the area of my expertise

I was feeling kind of useless today, and wanted to pick myself up a bit. I started thinking about all the things I'm really good at -- talking, listening, acting, laughing, reading, sleeping, baking... the list could go on (and did, in my head, thank you very much) But, in true gotta-find-the-crummy-brown-lining-of-every-cloud fashion, I realized there were very few areas in which I am an actual expert, which, as defined by the dictionary is "having, involving, or demonstrating great skill, dexterity, or knowledge as the result of experience or training... an authority"

So, with that in mind, I bring you a list of things at which I am an expert:

Letting Fruit Rot
I have scientifically calculated the perfect temperature/time/humidity concentration for fruit rot. (it's commonly known as "all day in my apartment") Clementines are the best for this experiment, as they are clumped together in true mold-developing honeycombs, but, oddly enough, I've managed to rot a potato in the crisper of my refrigerator.

Picking My Nails
Not usually considered an area in which to have expertise, I possess infinite cuticle-jabbing skill and hangnail-biting dexterity as the result of much dactyl activity.

Grazing
This oft-neglected form of eating, which involves a little bit of this, one of these, ooh, a couple of those, just one more of these and several of those (because they're small), while never in contention for Olympic status, really shouldn't be overlooked in one's own list of things in which one is an expert. Especially if you're me, and you somehow find a way to spend the entire day eating. I mean, I pack my lunch, so you'd think there would be more cow-in-a-pen type eating as opposed to oh-give-me-a-home-where-the-buffalo-roam-(and-eat-EVERYTHING-in-sigh) type eating. But I suppose that's what makes me an expert. (no, I won't give you my secrets!)

Looking Really Fat in my Coat
Luckily, I have the best coat in the whole wide world (and I do mean wide). It keeps me roasty-toasty on the cold-ass days of the nyc winter. However, it's not sexy. Not even near sexy. Like, if sexy were Florida, me in my coat would be the outer reaches of Alaska.

Here, this is the best I could do to approximate what I look like in my coat (which is from Land's End, and the bestest ever!):

She still looks sexier in it than I do, though. But then again, she doesn't have a Ph.D. in Looking Fat In My Coat. Not everybody can be an expert, after all.

Killing Time at Work by Posting Inanities Online
By now, I'm sure you're considering your own list of exceptional skills and abilities, and I hope that you'll consider yourselves experts at Reading the Drivel That Kate Writes. Hey, not everybody could stand something this exciting!