the man with the gun

I was accosted last night by the Man with the Gun! It was just horrible! I was coming out of an appointment, feeling a little down in the dumps (come on, did you read yesterday's post? sad sad sad) when all of a sudden, the Man with the Gun (or TMWTG) pulled me aside.

TMWTG: Ma'am, I need you to cross the street to the south side.

Me: (trembling) The south side? But that's the side where (gasps) Bath and Body Works is... And they're having a... sale. I. Just. Couldn't.

TMWTG: Ma'am, have you seen my gun? I'm pointing it right at you.

Me: That's true. You are very menacing.

TMWTG: Just cross the street, and we'll see what happens. Oh, and by the way, I know you have that gift card in your wallet.

Me: Do you want it? Here, take my wallet.

TMWTG: No, lady, I don't want it. But I do want you to go in that store and spend until it hurts. There's some really good smelling stuff in there.

Me: I know! That "need a margarita" scrub is soooooo good.

TMWTG: (waggling his gun) GET MOVIN' LADY.

So I had no choice but to go into B&BW, the cocoon of good smells enveloping both me and TMWTG. He forced me into the back of the store, handed me a bag and when I protested and said I was done with just two products he said, "Yeah, but it's buy two get two free, so these are free. Take them or I'll shoot you!"

Then, as I was trying to get on line, without attracting any attention from security, for fear that all hell would break loose -- there was, in fact, a man with a gun in their store, afterall -- we ended up passing by the spraying-smelly-goodness aisle.

TMWTG: Hey! Lady! You need this. P.U. You stink!

And he threw some white tea and ginger spray into my bag. I mean, he was being honest, I don't think I smelled very good last night. Maybe he was just doing me a favor.

I went to check out and handed them my gift card which the (Psychic) Mand with a Gun knew I had. Only $11 left on that. So I had to put the rest on my credit card. And as soon as I had signed the receipt, the Man with the Gun was gone.

Really weird.

[The upside of this story is that I smell so fucking good today I'm having a hard time not actually licking my arms and legs at work. I guess I really did need a margarita! Thanks, Man with the Gun!]