Jewish Buddhism

(Again, an old chestnut from my former work's inbox...)

Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless you have the closet space.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget these simple things and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving-kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
.... And then what do you have? Bupkes.

gratuitous blonde jokes

I was cleaning out my office email account and came across these gems in an email from 2006. They're not the best I've ever seen, but they are chuckleworthy...

LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida...???"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.? After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde? on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me"
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL? OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

BLONDE PETS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?""HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

what should I be when I grow up?

I've been keeping something from you. For the last howevermany months, I've been looking for a new job. I didn't mention it before because, well, a couple of my coworkers know about this site, and on the off chance that one of them should visit before I found a new one... Well, it seemed safer to keep this from you.

I'm sorry. Please understand. I wasn't trying to mislead you...

The good news is that I have finally gotten a job doing what I think will be exactly what I want to be doing. (We'll see if it actually turns out that way, but at the moment, I'm so psyched I can't see straight.)

Over the course of looking for a job, I entered my resume and credentials into a number of search engines, and was continually entertained by some of the results I'd get. Mostly they were technological training jobs or programmer positions, but occasionally there were a couple of gems. Like these:

Executive Chef

(What on earth made them think I could cook? I don't even have "enjoys baking" at the end of my resume.)

Cardiopulmonary RN

(I have a circulatory system, but something tells me that's not their only criterion.)

Regulatory Attorney -- Corporate Governance

(Ok, so I work at a law firm (for five more days) and I could see how they would think that I might be all legal and stuff, but really? You're promoting me without the JD?)

Assistant Buyer, Kids

(I'm not really up on the going rate for kids these days.)

Bodily Injury Claims Specialist

(I do bruise easily.)

And my two favorites:

U.S. Army Band/Musician and U.S. Army Sewing Machine Operator.

(Are there dorkier positions available in the armed forces? I think not.)

Also, one of the things I saw listed as a job requirement for a job I was actually considering struck me as odd. Should I have worried that "use of box cutters" was required?

rejected facebook status updates

Facebook status updates I decided against recently:

Too provocative
Kate Surgeon showered this morning with a dirty Venetian. Oh, no wait. She showered with her dirty venetian blinds. Same thing, right?

Kate Surgeon took a pole dancing class last night and, though there were no mirrors in the studio, she's pretty sure she looked like a deranged cat in heat.

Too Much Information
Kate Surgeon has three zits she'd like to introduce you to: Snap, Crackle, and Pop!

Kate Surgeon wonders if you ever wonder, after looking at a poop, what you ate.

Too Sappy
Kate Surgeon misses him. Like crazy.

Kate Surgeon liked his imperfections best.

Kate Surgeon is pretty sure she was the only one crying at pole dancing class.

Kate Surgeon wants to shake him, and then smooch him, and then shake him, and then smooch him.

Too Vague
Kate Surgeon believes in avocados.

Kate Surgeon eats too much dried mango.

Kate Surgeon is crossing her fingers.

Too Work-Related
Kate Surgeon would like the receptionists at work to follow her around everywhere. They think she's HILARIOUS!

Kate Surgeon regrets to inform you that her office crush has found another job. Flowers may be sent to her at the office.

Kate Surgeon now has only two bottles of wine in her bottom drawer. The others have found their way home. (And by "home," she means her innards.)

on typos and other mistakes

1) I was on the train the other day, held captive as we went over the bridge (which, for those of you who don't live in NYC is a really long time not to be able to get out of the car you're in -- say 11 minutes or so?*) when a normal-ish woman got out of her seat and started proselytizing. Except it wasn't for Jesus, it was for some new political party, one that I'd never heard of before. But apparently they have a candidate in an upcoming election and their woman on the street-slash-subway wanted us all to vote for him in the next "governerial" primary.

I don't mean to be a bitch, but if you've got a gubernatorial candidate, you should know the word "gubernatorial," don't you think?

2) I was at work the other day, typing up a blurb about myself and my coaching practice, and instead of saying that I specialize in self-esteem, I said that I specialize in "elf-esteem." I was then forced to spend the next ten minutes cracking up at the thought of my running a seminar for depressed elves on how to cheer themselves up. ("Think big!" "Be elfish!" "It's all about elf-gratification!")

3) If I were looking for a new job title, I'm not entirely sure that this would be the one I chose:

*ok, p.s. this was totally a guesstimate on the time, but when I consulted a train schedule, it turns out, I was completely right! Now you know I'm a reliable source!

that ain't right!

At work the other day, I pulled a jug of milk out of the fridge and it wasn't one of the regular kinds we use at work. This one, for some reason, said "Juicy Taste" on it. So I thought maybe it was the store brand and they had accidentally bottled it in an orange juice container or something. But no. This milk brand's jeenyus marketing idea was to sell "juicy" tasting milk.

Pass the cream, please.

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On my way to the theatre the other night, I was traversing 42nd street with the hoardes and masses when there was a traffic bottleneck. Looking to find the source of the problem (and avoid it like the plague), I identified the "Traffic Enforcement" van from the police department blocking the box.

Nice move, guys!

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The theatre I was trying to get to was the Delacorte theatre in Central Park, for a production of the Winter's Tale. It was a strong production of an iffy play, but I have something I think anyone headed to outdoor theatre should know:

If you fart in an open air theatre, it still smells bad.

Don't do it.

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I sent an email out the other day, trying to clarify a point, and when I asked the recipient if he understood it, he wrote back simply, "presactly."

a season of farewells

I still miss the M train. The seats, the space, the convenient access to the east side, all of it. I'm making do with the R or the D or the N, but it's not the same.

You know what else isn't the same?

A Fernando-less office.

Yes, dear readers, a dark day will descend on me tomorrow: it will be my first day without Fernando.

"What?!" I hear you shouting at the screen. "What do you mean, 'without Fernando'? You didn't tell us he was leaving!"

I know. I didn't want to face it myself. The thought of going to the office and not having his goofy antics to report, his smiling, accepting face to look at, his advice, and his shenanigans... it was all too much for me, so I kept it from you.

I'm sorry, readers, it's true. I'm a truth-hiding blogger who doesn't deserve your trust. (Would it change anything if I told you I thought it was in your best interest?)

Fernando got a job in Texas and will be moving to Austin next Saturday. I miss him already, in a shockingly profound way. I have never met someone like him before, and probably never will again. He is charming, impish, childlike (without a trace of being childish). He is hilarious in his unintentional moments, and lovable in his intentional ones. I felt grateful every day that we worked together that he was the one chosen to be in my office.

I've never lost a friend like this -- and of course I know he's not lost. He's simply relocated. But I've never had a friend move away if I wasn't moving away, too. To deal with it, I'm doing something drastic. They will replace him, and someone else will move in with me, but that person should know one thing: I WILL NO LONGER BE SITTING AT THE SHITTY DESK!

And I might reconsider sharing the garbage can.

can you hear the drums, Fernando?

Highlights from my office:

The other day, there was a food tasting in one of the conference rooms, and they had fancy schmancy stuff like salmon and eggplant roulades and chocolate covered strawberries and grilled veggies. I loaded up a plate of non-walking goods, and when I got back to the office, Fernando noticed that I had asparagus, which he had neglected to choose.

He looked at my plate, looked at me, and said, "Can I have one asparagus? I want the pee."

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Have you heard of a thumb drive? It's one of those portable memory devices, also known as a jump drive, a memory stick, a flash drive... you know what I'm talking about.

In Fernando's world, though, a thumb drive is more like a coat drive, where everyone brings the thumbs they're not using to the office and then they get collected by charity workers. Because thumblessness is a huge problem in this world.

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Fernando and I took a trip out to the wilds of Bushwick recently to see a friend's show, and on the way there, we saw the most ghetto, hand-written ad for Herbalife that we've ever seen. It might as well have been advertising The Quitter's Version of Herbalife. Or Herbadeath.

After pantomiming what someone on Pathetic Herbalife would be like for a while, we then started rewriting the ad. No longer would you be purchasing Herbalife if you called the hand-scrawled number -- you could get GERBILIFE! A life filled with gerbils! All for $29.95 a month! Or better yet, you could get BURBALIFE! Turn your life into a burbling brook for only $29.95 a month! Call now!

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On the way home from that same trip, we saw a woman on the subway who was, to be polite, NOT petite. Fernando leaned over to me and whispered, "That woman has some serious potty mask."

I sat for a second, wondering what in god's green earth he was talking about. The woman was fat, but her face looked fine.

"Potty mask?" I asked him.

He closed his eyes, rolled them back into his head with laughter, and said, "No, BODY MASS."

Oh, yeah. Body mass.

a hodgepodge of gobbeldygook

Heard recently in my office:

1. Fernando was calling the Japanese Rail Association the other day (he's going to Tokyo) and the woman came on the line to tell him to hold. Then the music came on, and he waited. Then the woman came back on the line and said simply, "Hold on more."

2. "Those pants don't fit you very well. They look like a small Mexican family moved out of your butt." -- Rachel

3. "The woman who poured my soup had a large rear." (Clearly it wasn't me!)

Unrelatedly, if you recall, the first two nights of Passover this year were incredibly rainy. Lisa was out of town and asked me to visit her cats, and, of course, her basement, which has been known to flood when her two year old drools heavily. Luckily, the work they've done kept the basement safe and dry, but I was complaining about being soggy. Lisa pointed out that I had someone nearby to keep me warm and dry, and I pointed out that he was busy with an Orthodox Passover. Lisa then texted me to say that she was such a bad Jew that she had forgotten it was even Passover. Her following text said, "No, wait, I ate a macaroon today. That counts."

Also unrelatedly, I learned a great game recently. It's a cross between a magic 8 ball and a tea party. Basically, when you drink yogi tea, ask the box a question, and then pull out a tea bag and read the quotation on its string to get your answer. It's nice, because it never lies. It just says inscrutable things that you can't parse.

I saw a great t-shirt recently that said "I Can't Afford to NY."

I also met three wildly bizarre home-schooled children who, I fear, may never get laid. Ever.

from the department of what you don't need to know

From the department of WTF, Yahoo:

Really? You think I'm a codgy old guy who looks like he's faced with a choice between a poke in the eye and a poke in the fannyhole? And what, exactly, does this have to do with my going back to school? You need better ad servers.

From the department of good quotes:

"In the end, I'm only really looking for a one life stand." -- Hot Chip

From the department of fictional characters that should exist:

Fernando wants to create a Roman epic based on everyone's favorite hero, Neosporin! He could slay lions and infidels, and then come home and make everything heal without scarring!

From the department of online dating:

I've noticed that the quality of a guy's profile and looks are inversely proportional to his height. Guys over five eleven have profiles that say things like "I want to meet you if your smart," and "And Jay Kay from Jamiroqaui...I would definitely do him. But I'm not gay, or anything." Guys under five seven want to discuss fine literature while giving me backrubs and flashing their adorable smiles at me.

Tall guys send me emails that say "OMG!! u r so CUTE. I want to take u fold u up and put u in my back pocket and take u home to my mom," while short guys say "Every few years I'll add a new word to my repertoire of 'how I want to live my life.' In the past I chose Taoist influences like 'simplicity,' 'compassion,' and 'patience.' My newest contribution is 'authenticity,' which is a way for me to live honestly through my core beliefs..."

It is just painfully too bad that I would TOWER over these sweet, thoughtful, authentic guys, making me feel awkward and doofy, likely leading me to write in text speak and say stupid things.

on snow

OH MY GOD! THERE'S A BLIZZARD! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

So far, the only remotely dramatic thing to happen because of the snow is that I actually got a seat on the express train. When I got to the office, all twelve of us (out of 250) looked a little soggy, but cute, in our bundledupedness.

In honor of the PENDING HORROR THAT CAN ONLY BE AROUND THE CORNER, I offer you my thoughts on snow.

Stay warm!

what I do for a living

Have you ever wondered what, exactly, I do for a living? (Don't worry, I have, too.)

Among the myriad other things of great importance that I do, I send out emails like this:

Do thoughts of Excel make you feel like this?

Would you rather they make you feel like this?

If so, then look for this:

The Excel Gym: Coming Soon!

(Unlike a co-worker of mine*, I get to slowly, quietly push the envelope of what is acceptable at a law firm.)

*said co-worker came to the office dressed, um, like a professional, just not of the legal variety. Wheee!

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

1. Online dating handles that do not appeal to me:

(These are, in fact, the actual handles of users who can be found on okcupid. Feel free to look them up. Perhaps they appeal to you...)

beardinyourbush

iamtoowildforu

thatfukinguy

nudeslutm

warlockflash

mstluvoral

rolly_tacco

2. Amusing things that were said at my birthday party:

"'The Most Wonderful Thing I Did with my Futon' would make a great name for a musical."

"I didn't mean to hit your boobs. They just stick out."

"If I give them cake, do you think they'll stop making out?"

3. Have you ever noticed that when you're really exhausted, it seems like there's never enough time in the world to get done the six million things you need or want to get done? But when you get some sleep, and are on your game, not having finished this week's New Yorker doesn't seem like such a crime?

4. Rapping vs. Crapping

A coworker of mine recently complained that it was quiet in her office and that her officemate was "practicing his rhymes." In response, I sent her this message:

Why are there no new matters?

'Cuz they're all as mad as hatters

And they climb up crazy ladders

Where their minds just shatter.

a-bump-cha-a-bump-bump-cha!

Fernando then sent this:

So today was slow

The firm didn’t grow

What could be worse??

Listen to me flow….

My coworker then responded with:

I sit in chair

At Elite, I do stare

Why don't no one care??

Cuz the D-man doth Scare

boom-chi boom- chi boom

I wasn't ready for the day to end yet, so I sent back:

Nando and me

We're as sad as can be

Cuz you're snarkin your tea

And stuck there with D

But Nando's so funny

I'd pay him some money

He ain't my big honey

But I won't trade him, sonny!

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chOW!

Fernando was finally the voice of reason, pointing out that our rhymes weren't bad, but our beat boxes sucked.

s-s-s-s-s-s-s-su-su-ucked!

5. Friends don't let friends drink and cook.

Tonight I was making dinner tipsy. Which means that I almost strained my noodles by pouring them into the sink.

Wheeeeeee!

now that I'm older and wiser, my posts will be, too!

Yeah, that's a lie. I have absolutely no plans to up the quality of what you find here, even though I'm now 33.

Do I feel bad about that? Yeah, kind of. To use a phrase Fernando employs when he does something really stupid and feels awful about, "I'm sorrytarded."

So here are a few of my observations since we last saw each other.

1. I saw a fabulous dance piece recently, called Nut/Cracked. Unfortunately, it's closing today (I knew I should have posted sooner!) but it's a more modern version of the Nutcracker. I'm not a big modern dance fan, but this piece was terrific! My favorite moment was a solo where this woman walks on stage, unrolls a sheet of bubble wrap about three feet wide by five feet long and then spends the next six minutes NOT stepping on it. Flailing herself over it, wiggling around it, I'm-not-touching-you-I'm-not-touching-you it, until finally, she can't stand it any longer and then just flings her body, full force, smack into the middle of the sheet with the most gratifying POPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOP of all time! Like a pig in shit or a kid in frosting, there is no way around the fact that this was orgasmic.

In truth, it made me want to go home and get some bubble wrap.

2. At work the other day, a woman stopped by my office.

"I have a problem I need you to look at in my email," she said.

"Ok, what is it?"

"It's Sarah."

"Who's Sarah?"

"I think you should come and see."

So I got up, walked over to her desk and looked at her inbox. She was drowning in emails from Sarah. All 87 of them had the same subject: "Sarah has added you on FuckBook!"

"Who is this Sarah?" asked my co-worker, "And what, exactly, does she think I'm going to do on FuckBook?"

The best part of all this? Not my co-worker hounding Fernando with stories of FuckBook for twenty minutes in a row (although that was really funny). No, it was having to forward the message to the head of IT, asking for help to block the emails from Sarah from FuckBook.

Wheee! Legitimate use of the word Fuck at work!

3. I would like to take a moment to thank all the cute guys of the world who actually look good in tight pants for wearing them. And, while I'm at it, to send a reminder to the not-so-cute guys in the world, who don't look good in tight pants, to go out and invest in some lovely khakis. You know, the ones with AMPLE room in the seats...

less content, more fluff!

I was on a date a while ago and the guy I was with said something deep and profound and prefaced it by saying something like "Well, you know what de Tocqueville says... [insert deep and profound thing here.]"

I looked at him, smiled nerdishly and said, "You've been waiting all day to quote de Tocqueville, haven't you?"

He looked at me, smiled nerdishly and said, "I paraphrased him, I didn't quote him."

Touche, date, touche.

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Overheard at work recently:

"Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you."

"Nut up or shut up"

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The heat came on in my apartment recently. For a whole day, my home smelled like hot dust.

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So there's a great DIY arts and crafts organization called Etsy. (I think it's short for something, but I don't know what.) They have a whole website where you can buy and sell homemade stuff. And this, of course, has spawned another fabulous website... have you seen regretsy?

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Fernando got two enormous boxes of something delivered to the office recently. So of course, I had to climb into one of them and pop out and shout "SURPRISE!" when he came back into the office. Yes, he knew I was in there. Yes, he laughed anyway. (I love this guy.)

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"I will continue to microwave halibut in the company lunch room every single day until such time as you sign all of my expense reports." (Awesomeness.)

stuff that has nothing to do with anything. (maybe.)

I had a date the other night that I thought was scheduled for a different night, so I didn't leave the house dressed the way I might normally dress for a first date. Luckily I was non-dowdy enough to actually go on the date and not reschedule it. I wasn't 100% confident about my outfit, though, so I asked Fernando if what I was wearing was ok.

"I wouldn't pretend I wasn't there to meet you if I saw you wearing that outfit."

Good old Nando. Always showering me with compliments.

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I left the house the other morning and saw my breath. [insert long, boring, complaint-filled paragraph with lots of muttering and head-shaking here.]

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There were lots of toilets in Greece where you weren't allowed to flush the toilet paper in the toilet. Which made for a lot of smelly bathrooms.

Also, on the island of Santorini, they tell you not to drink the water. And then they charge you €1.50 for a bottle of it. I smell a conspiracy (and a bathroom)!

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I spread my scarf across my face the other day and asked Fernando if I looked like a spooky ghost. "No," he said, "You look like you have pizza stretched across your face."

Oh, right. Duh.

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I cheated on my chiropractor today. I love him, I really do, and I'll be forever indebted to him for introducing me to the many joys of bone cracking. However, my new chiropractor? Ok, yeah, he's ridiculously hot. He knows it, too, so that ratchets it down a notch, but now I have to start thinking about what kind of underwear I wear to my appointments!

The best part? His office likes to focus on massage. (I got poked in the psoas today.) This could be the start of something wonderful...

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I'm reading a 920 page book right now and I've slogged all the way through to page 620. I'm not in love with it, but I'm committed to it at this point. My favorite part so far has been when the narrator described something unpleasant as "moisturizing with Tabasco."

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Crazy homeless man who haunts the 53rd Street station was back tonight. I took notes as he dictated. Learn ye this:

"When you sleep with the boss, you never have to work."

"The Senator had to beat his wife."

"Lesbians don't know they're women. Mental illness!"

Kettle, honey? It's pot. You're black.

I'm using my powers for good. I think.

There are many things you need to know. And who better to supply them to you than me, right?
First, when Fernando and I escape on our Costa Rican holiday, we'll be staying in this hotel:

For several reasons.

1. It's a plane
2. Your neighbors are monkeys
3. It's in Costa Rica
4. It's a plane

Second, Apple is releasing its newest operating system, Snow Leopard, sometime soon. What I want to know is when are they releasing the upgrade to the kick-ass operating system, Def Leppard?

Third, I'm awfully fond of a very geeky, computer-related comic called xkcd. Occasionally it's too geeky, even for me, but the following comic had us rolling in the hallway recently:

Fourth: What's the last thing you think to hear a bike messenger saying into his phone? For me, it was easily, "Dude, 'polemical' is just another word for 'controversial.'"

Fifth, I love Mimi Smartypants. Because she loves Smashed Rats:

"If I have lunchtime errands, the route I take involves crossing the same street twice (which is totally possible, fuck you Heraclitus). This is because of crazy construction activity and blocked-off sidewalks. This could be kind of a drag, but now I look forward to it because of SMASHED RAT!

"A smashed squirrel is a pretty standard thing in Chicago. You know the kind—completely devoid of organs or guck (where did that go? stuck to the car tires? spread and diffused and soaked into the pavement?), flush with the street, basically just a flat gray strip of matted fur. But a smashed rat is something special! Rats are usually more wily and less interested in crossing streets, so they do not become smashed as often. Plus, that tail! The State Street Smashed Rat is really perfectly smashed, too: you can see the outline of his little face and body and the tail is still long and pinkish despite being smashed.

"Obviously, when I pass Smashed Rat I need to say “SMASHED RAT!” Smashed rat is the new dead bird. Yesterday as I was waiting for the light to change I said, “smashed rat” and a fellow pedestrian heard and gave me a strange look. So I pointed down and showed him the smashed rat so he could SHARE THE JOY."

Sixth, did you ever wonder what it looked like when trucks filled with various things tipped over? Then you need to go to http://www.truckspills.com/ and see images like when the truck full of chickens tipped over:

May I recommend the whale guts? (Just slightly too disgusting to post here!)

when the hell did it become august?

I'm just saying, time is going by too quickly. I'm getting old.

In an effort to delay the inevitable, I bring the following things to your attention:

1. Tuesdays with Nando
Just like the best selling book, Tuesdays with Morrie, (which my mother and I detest and call "Wednesdays with Dipshit"), this tome is full of charming, heartwarming episodes. Like the time I said to Fernando, "I have a weird patch of skin falling off my finger. I think it's leprosy," and he responded by shouting "UNCLEAN!" and pointing me out of our office. Other winning chapters involve Fernando's salads smelling of egg farts (and driving my boss out of the office) and the old acting headshot postcard of me that we've taped to the mailbox so that when I'm out of the office, Fernando has someone to talk to.

Stay tuned... Mondays with Kate will be out soon.

2. Ye Olde Oral Fixations
Remember Freshen Up Gum? The gum that squirted green goo into your mouth when you bit the center of it? Why was that ever popular? It was easily one of the most disgusting things not actually marketed to kids.

I was thinking of that the other day because Fernando gave me spearmint gum (and I don't eat spearmint gum, but figured I'd try it again, just to see if I was missing out on anything -- and I'm not) and it tasted just as I remember Freshen Up tasting. This, of course, led me down a slippery slope, recalling Chewels and Velamints, too.

Crap, I'm old.

3. Pearls before Swine Flatulation
The beau said something absolutely lovely recently. "I knew I was going to have fun with you," he said, "but I didn't think I would like you this much."

I smiled, and accidentally kicked him under the table.

"I'd say you're like a ray of sunshine, but you're more like..."

"A funny looking cloud?" I offered.

"No, if you were sunshine, that would imply it was all dark and gloomy before you came along. You're more like... You know what you're like? You're like a pig's fart in a candlelit room."

Take that, Shakespeare!

4. Two for the price of one
My mother was recently diagnosed with a liver cyst, which you can really only get by talking nasty to your children. (I told her to "fucking cut that shit out" years ago, but does she listen? Goddamnit, of course not!) She went in to have it removed yesterday, and apparently, it wasn't one monster cyst, it was two.

One for me and one for my cyster.

5. Watch Out!

hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go!

1. A co-worker is temporarily situated between two of our stranger birds, and recently reported this conversation to me:

(Oddity1 enters with a paper bag.)

(Oddity2, hearing the bag, runs across the hall.)

Oddity2: (almost violently) WHAT DID YOU GET?

Oddity1: Eggs.

Oddity2: WHAT???

Oddity1: Eggs. Eggs.

Oddity2 (again, disappointed) Oh. I thought you said peanut butter and jelly.

(She exits, sadly.)

2. My boss brings me gifts every now and then. Like this picture of her little friend, Moogie, and his little friend, Jacob.

(Adorable, right?)

3. Fernando recently went to the accounting department to look at the firm's Verizon bill, when the following conversation happened:

AccountingGirl: I don't know which bill you need.

Fernando: If you just give me the folder, I'll take a leak.

AccountingGirl: (blink) (blink)

Fernando: I mean, I'll take a leak.

AccountingGirl: (blink) (blink)

Fernando: I mean, just give me the bills, please.

4. I accidentally told a partner I was talking out my ass the other day. I'm not sure which was sadder -- the fact that I was talking out my ass, or that I felt compelled to announce it.

5. We introduced my boss to Ken Lee this morning. Have you met him?

astrological truths revealed!

Sometimes I think horoscopes are right.

Like the one I got on the day of my cousin's baby shower:
"Your family is abuzz with some new plan -- maybe a vacation or a party, or maybe something more practical. You'd much rather just get on with it than keep exploring options, though."

Or the one I got last week, which could really apply to just about any day of my life:
"You're still all fired up with good energy, and you should be especially drawn to children and others young at heart. Have fun with your daily activities, and you may just inspire others to do the same."

But sometimes, they're beyond right. They're personal.

The other day I had the most ridiculous commute to work ever. There was a local train two stations away with its brakes in emergency, so after waiting 20 minutes, the station agent finally told us about the situtation. I waited another 10 minutes, as these things often clear up on their own, but even after 10 minutes, there wasn't any sign of a train. So I grabbed my suitcase (which makes commuting even more fun) and hopped on a downtown local, so I could take an express train from 36th street.

Long story short, an hour after I walked into my local station, I was on an express train that hadn't even gotten BACK to the station I started from.

And what did the stars have to say about that?
"It's a good time for you to drill down and forget about the big picture for now -- you've got to make the trains run on time before you can think about laying down any new tracks!"

Creepy!