1. Online dating handles that do not appeal to me:
(These are, in fact, the actual handles of users who can be found on okcupid. Feel free to look them up. Perhaps they appeal to you...)
beardinyourbush
iamtoowildforu
thatfukinguy
nudeslutm
warlockflash
mstluvoral
rolly_tacco
2. Amusing things that were said at my birthday party:
"'The Most Wonderful Thing I Did with my Futon' would make a great name for a musical."
"I didn't mean to hit your boobs. They just stick out."
"If I give them cake, do you think they'll stop making out?"
3. Have you ever noticed that when you're really exhausted, it seems like there's never enough time in the world to get done the six million things you need or want to get done? But when you get some sleep, and are on your game, not having finished this week's New Yorker doesn't seem like such a crime?
4. Rapping vs. Crapping
A coworker of mine recently complained that it was quiet in her office and that her officemate was "practicing his rhymes." In response, I sent her this message:
Why are there no new matters?
'Cuz they're all as mad as hatters
And they climb up crazy ladders
Where their minds just shatter.
a-bump-cha-a-bump-bump-cha!
Fernando then sent this:
So today was slow
The firm didn’t grow
What could be worse??
Listen to me flow….
My coworker then responded with:
I sit in chair
At Elite, I do stare
Why don't no one care??
Cuz the D-man doth Scare
boom-chi boom- chi boom
I wasn't ready for the day to end yet, so I sent back:
Nando and me
We're as sad as can be
Cuz you're snarkin your tea
And stuck there with D
But Nando's so funny
I'd pay him some money
He ain't my big honey
But I won't trade him, sonny!
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chOW!
Fernando was finally the voice of reason, pointing out that our rhymes weren't bad, but our beat boxes sucked.
s-s-s-s-s-s-s-su-su-ucked!
5. Friends don't let friends drink and cook.
Tonight I was making dinner tipsy. Which means that I almost strained my noodles by pouring them into the sink.
Wheeeeeee!
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5 comments:
i think i'll change my handle to nudeslutw
One of the best things about having a young child is I now get to rhyme all the friggin time, for no reason, and to the best audience ever. I. Love. Rhyming. But you know what's hard to rhyme with, surprisingly? Mommy. I usually go with Mommy Salami which kind of sucks. I invite your suggestions.
Yeah, for some reason transcribed beatbox never works for me, either.
buh-uh-huh-uh-huh.
i think you forgot "30-older-than-us". that was my favorite comment at your birthday.
I've learned never to have wine before dinner is done cooking. And most of my handles really suck. There is a business out there for writing the complete online pkg: handle, profile, initial introductory msg, and a few bon-mots for blogs.
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