Foxtrot Union Charlie Kilo

I was listening to some hard-core German acid-techno today while working out (not what you thought I listened to, eh?) and the name of the song was Foxtrot Union Charlie Kilo. It's just about as subtle as Britney's If You Seek Amy. (Just get drunk and say that a couple of times and it'll start to make sense.) I mention it, because, well, I named the post after it.

Fernando and I were discussing some of the unfortunate smells one is likely to encounter in the bathroom again (I swear we talk about more than poo) and another co-worker and I agreed that there is an odor worse than poosmell: crotchfunk. That rancid, pantyhosed hooey smell that some women are prone to. There was a woman in college who had crotchfunk so bad that when she worked out next to you, you wanted to barf -- and she wasn't even wearing pantyhose!

Fernando was disturbed beyond his ability to comment.

(May I add, however, that neither my co-worker nor I are sufferers from this malady. I mean, we suffer, sure, but do not generate the funk ourselves.)

Unrelatedly, I've observed that when you take off your pj pants as you're heading to the bed (because pj pants are good for hanging out in, not actually sleeping in), when you wake up in the morning and put them on again, they're backwards. To counter this, I've started approaching my bed backwards.

Three more delightful places to visit:

Awkward Family Photos, where the photos are awkward and the families are, too!
My First Dictionary, which I secretly want to read to the screaming kids on the train. [Thanks, Rhonda!]
and a little mind bender: The Wrong Brand.

My boss dropped a gem on us the other day, complaining that users were "drinking from the fire hose of stupid." I'd like you all to promise not to do that.

(Oh, wait, I take that back. You'd all leave.)

There was a squirrel outside of my apartment the other night, and it was either really, REALLY horny, or really, REALLY being eaten by the stray cats in the neighborhood. I'm not sure I care which.

And for the locals... have you noticed? The Swine Flu (oh, forgive me, the H1N1 Virus) has been given its own theme song on NY1. Kind of a cross between "Crap! It's Deadly! We're All Going to Die!" and the ice cream truck song.

more things I think should be rules

I'm not a bossy person. (Ok, well, I'm not ALWAYS a bossy person.) But there are certain things in life that I think should be rules. And these are but a few of them:

1. If I am going to pay you a dollar to sit outside the bathroom and sell candy, then I should be able to see myself in the bathroom mirror, and I should not have to wipe the pee off my toilet seat.

2. If I join you at a BBQ, you should not force food into my face. (Really, the way you all did that was reprehensible, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.) (heh heh)

3. If you are going to stroll three abreast on the sidewalk, you should not hold hands.

4. And if you don't heed number 3, then you should at least stick to ONE SIDE of the sidewalk and not weave back and forth.

5. And if you don't heed numbers 3 or 4, then you should HEAR ME AND MY GRANNYCART COMING and move out of the way before I have to say "Excuse me" more than once.

6. If you live in my building, you should definitely put your trash into the trash cans. We have rats on this street and I don't particuarly want them moving in with me.

7. If you are as adorable in 3D as you are in 2D, I should recognize you. (My bad, Taar. Sorry!)

8. All grassy fields should spend at least two weeks without being mowed so little legged dogs can bound through them like they're some kind of jungle grass and feel like herodogs.

9. If you are having your 30th birthday party, you should not have it at a bar full of 23 year olds.

10. If you are a yogi, you should not make snippy comments to me in a class on goal setting.

11. If you are my armpits, you should really make an effort not to smell like a litter box. (what the hell is THAT about, anyway??)

That is all.

For now.

groutyogurt and other fancy stuff

I am out of chocolate and it is raining. These are two very important facts that may or may not have any bearing on what flows from my fingertips in this post. (Just thought you should know.)

That being said, I got a spam message the other day that was just full of random words and a link to a porn webcam, purportedly. It said (and I quote), "emotion flummox dehydrate yellow groutyogurt feeble worm evacuate" I'm not sure what groutyogurt is, but I'm pretty sure it's growing in my shower.

Meanwhile, on my seltzer bottle, I can see that the good Orthodox Rabbinate has blessed my seltzer, making it kosher for passover. Mine, apparently, was especially blessed by Rabbi Ralbag. I had the pleasure, however, of mistakenly thinking it was blessed by Rabbi Ballbag.

I want to make some t-shirts. One will say "Jesus only loves you 'cause he has to." The other is for me to wear at the Park Slope playground. On the front it says, "These are not my kids." On the back it says, "Do you have a brother?"

A direct quote from Fernando:
"Sometimes a poo is so gross only an old dude could have dropped it."

Have you seen texts from last night? It's a website where you can forward your sent or received text messages for the world to enjoy. Searchable by area code! (Thanks, Rhonda!)

My recent favorites:
"I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home."
"Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier."
"(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom"

Similarly, have you seen Ask Google? It's a blog that does some of the more philosophical Google searches for you and then posts the answers. It's a great idea whose founders must have been less than enthralled with it, as there are all of four posts and the last one is from 2003. Alas...

What is love?
588,000 "love is" free
305,000 "love is" forever
227,000 "love is" understanding
117,000 "love is" stupid
67,700 "love is" selfish
44,700 "love is" expensive
13,200 "love is" selfless
0 "love is" "a prickly sunrise of the soul"

While you're at it, go out there and enjoy Postcards from Yo Momma. It's a collection of emails and texts from readers' mothers. (I'm sure I've got a doozey or two I could submit...)
For example:
"Backstory: After I got a D on my economics exam.
Honey, econ is for boring and ugly people. You shouldn’t be in that class, you’re too pretty and creative. I’m sick of these hard classes. Next semester sign up for gym classes."