groutyogurt and other fancy stuff

I am out of chocolate and it is raining. These are two very important facts that may or may not have any bearing on what flows from my fingertips in this post. (Just thought you should know.)

That being said, I got a spam message the other day that was just full of random words and a link to a porn webcam, purportedly. It said (and I quote), "emotion flummox dehydrate yellow groutyogurt feeble worm evacuate" I'm not sure what groutyogurt is, but I'm pretty sure it's growing in my shower.

Meanwhile, on my seltzer bottle, I can see that the good Orthodox Rabbinate has blessed my seltzer, making it kosher for passover. Mine, apparently, was especially blessed by Rabbi Ralbag. I had the pleasure, however, of mistakenly thinking it was blessed by Rabbi Ballbag.

I want to make some t-shirts. One will say "Jesus only loves you 'cause he has to." The other is for me to wear at the Park Slope playground. On the front it says, "These are not my kids." On the back it says, "Do you have a brother?"

A direct quote from Fernando:
"Sometimes a poo is so gross only an old dude could have dropped it."

Have you seen texts from last night? It's a website where you can forward your sent or received text messages for the world to enjoy. Searchable by area code! (Thanks, Rhonda!)

My recent favorites:
"I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home."
"Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier."
"(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom"

Similarly, have you seen Ask Google? It's a blog that does some of the more philosophical Google searches for you and then posts the answers. It's a great idea whose founders must have been less than enthralled with it, as there are all of four posts and the last one is from 2003. Alas...

What is love?
588,000 "love is" free
305,000 "love is" forever
227,000 "love is" understanding
117,000 "love is" stupid
67,700 "love is" selfish
44,700 "love is" expensive
13,200 "love is" selfless
0 "love is" "a prickly sunrise of the soul"

While you're at it, go out there and enjoy Postcards from Yo Momma. It's a collection of emails and texts from readers' mothers. (I'm sure I've got a doozey or two I could submit...)
For example:
"Backstory: After I got a D on my economics exam.
Honey, econ is for boring and ugly people. You shouldn’t be in that class, you’re too pretty and creative. I’m sick of these hard classes. Next semester sign up for gym classes."