don't get suckered!

Rarely (if ever) do I offer you wisdom that will save you money. But it's a new year, and today, all of that's about to change.

Three Things To Avoid Wasting Your Money On, by Katherine Surgeon.

1. Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum

Nando and I got free passes to Madame Tussaud's that expired at the end of December. So we had to visit during high tourist season, and, if you can score these passes, DO. Otherwise, skip the museum all together. Forever. Avoid the block. Hell, don't go to Times Square.

With the free passes we had, we got to bypass the line that snakes through the lobby like an airport security line. Flash your passes (ha! I typoed that as "flash your asses" -- which would also probably work) and you skip right to the head of the line. Nando and I ended up behind a clusterfucky group of six hundred (ok, ok, five) and heard the exorbitant price -- $38 per ticket! That's nearly two twenties to walk around in a crowd of tourists taking pictures with statues of people that don't look like the people they purport to be. Nothing says "waste of money" like futile, crowded, annoyingness.

Nando and I had fun, though, because it was free. While we were waiting for the elevators (at the beginning of the exhibit and at the end), we contemplated a suicide bombing, just because it was annoying to be stuck like a herd of cattle with no one telling us why we were waiting. In the end, we decided against it because we had tickets to yet another waste of money:

2. Cirque de Soleil's Wintuk

We were very excited by the IDEA of Wintuk. We spent all week pronouncing things with fake German accents ("Vintoook!" "Vonderful!")* and thinking magical, wintery thoughts. We got to MSG and into our seats, and the set was beautiful! So exciting! Such Vintery Gutness!

Then the show started and it was poop. Cirque de Soleil makes their money by spectacle, and there was definitely spectacle in this show, but it was UGLY. The costumes looked like what you'd get if you melted a box of crayons over a gang of skateboarders. All the performers looked like children, and they're all in sixty five layers of clothing. Part of what I love about circus performers is seeing how hard their bodies are working when their faces are so serene and fun-filled. When they're in big, ugly, puffy jackets (or, in some cases, a garbage can), that ruins it for me.

There's supposed to be a plot to Wintuk, but it essentially just keeps coming back to an annoying little boy saying "When is it going to snow??" There are six dogs in the show -- people in dog costumes -- and they have a theme song. The lyrics? "Dog. Dog dog dog. Dog. (whispered) dog!"

At intermission, I looked at Nando, he looked at me, and we both agreed that we had gotten our $40 worth. In fact, more than that. We had gotten as much Vintook as we could handle.

And we left.

3. Emergen-C's Pink Lemonade Flavor

After New Year's and the concomitant freezingness that is winter, I'm succumbing to a touch of the plague. So I bought a box of Emergen-C Pink Lemonade, and I have to say, it tastes nothing like lemonade (pink or otherwise). If I had to guess the flavor, I'd say Strawberry Banana, because it has that cloying sweetness and yechiness I associate with fake strawberry banana. And the best part? On the back of the box it says "The color pink carries many connotations. Power, strength, and energy aren't usually among them."

Go with tangerine. At least then you won't be subjected to colorism!

* I'm not entirely sure why we pronounced things with fake German accents, as Cirque de Soleil is a Fronch getup. But if Nando and I did things that were rational, you probably wouldn't read this blog.