happy old year!

As we race into the next decade* I thought I'd give you a going away present.

A few, actually, because I'm so generous.

1. Oh Fernando, Why Are You So Eloquent?

The other day my dear officemate declared that he was listening to "poopular music," which gave us a good chuckle. And then, yesterday, when I was wearing the new fleece I got for Christmas (sort of), he told me that my fleece was very "action." "It looks like you're going to do things," he said, as I put it on.

2. That's Very Surprising!

Have you ever eaten a lot of beets? I bought and roasted a bunch of them last week, and they were delicious. However, there's a shocking side effect: purple poo.

3. I Heart My Mother

Among the many ridiculous things we all said over the Christmas holiday, here are my favorites from my mom:

me (over the phone): What are you doing?

Mom: Sitting around in our Santa hats, eating candy canes, waiting for you to come home.

Mom: (in a game, trying to come up with a verb) To be-is-am-are-were-run-fuck!

My Aunt: (describing an imaginary friend from childhood) Yahudie [pronounced "yay-who-dee"] lived in the refrigerator and turned the light on and off.

Mom: (very matter of factly) No, no, no. That's not right. Yahudie lived under the sidewalk.

(duh, everyone knows that.)

3. Oh-S0-Irritating!

You know what drives me crazy? Asterisks on product labels that lead nowhere. My mom had some disinfecting wipes, and they made a claim that it killed 98% of bacteria, which was followed by an asterisk, which I assumed meant that statistic would be explained or expanded on.

But no! They either forgot to add the information -- information someone thought at some point was important enough to highlight with an asterisk! -- or they never thought anyone would catch it.

But I did. (Call me Asterisk Watch Dog if you want to.)

4. A Lesson For Everyone

Not you, of course. You're perfect. But everyone else should look here.

* I hate it when people say this. (See? I follow up with my asterisks!)