when the hell did it become august?

I'm just saying, time is going by too quickly. I'm getting old.

In an effort to delay the inevitable, I bring the following things to your attention:

1. Tuesdays with Nando
Just like the best selling book, Tuesdays with Morrie, (which my mother and I detest and call "Wednesdays with Dipshit"), this tome is full of charming, heartwarming episodes. Like the time I said to Fernando, "I have a weird patch of skin falling off my finger. I think it's leprosy," and he responded by shouting "UNCLEAN!" and pointing me out of our office. Other winning chapters involve Fernando's salads smelling of egg farts (and driving my boss out of the office) and the old acting headshot postcard of me that we've taped to the mailbox so that when I'm out of the office, Fernando has someone to talk to.

Stay tuned... Mondays with Kate will be out soon.

2. Ye Olde Oral Fixations
Remember Freshen Up Gum? The gum that squirted green goo into your mouth when you bit the center of it? Why was that ever popular? It was easily one of the most disgusting things not actually marketed to kids.

I was thinking of that the other day because Fernando gave me spearmint gum (and I don't eat spearmint gum, but figured I'd try it again, just to see if I was missing out on anything -- and I'm not) and it tasted just as I remember Freshen Up tasting. This, of course, led me down a slippery slope, recalling Chewels and Velamints, too.

Crap, I'm old.

3. Pearls before Swine Flatulation
The beau said something absolutely lovely recently. "I knew I was going to have fun with you," he said, "but I didn't think I would like you this much."

I smiled, and accidentally kicked him under the table.

"I'd say you're like a ray of sunshine, but you're more like..."

"A funny looking cloud?" I offered.

"No, if you were sunshine, that would imply it was all dark and gloomy before you came along. You're more like... You know what you're like? You're like a pig's fart in a candlelit room."

Take that, Shakespeare!

4. Two for the price of one
My mother was recently diagnosed with a liver cyst, which you can really only get by talking nasty to your children. (I told her to "fucking cut that shit out" years ago, but does she listen? Goddamnit, of course not!) She went in to have it removed yesterday, and apparently, it wasn't one monster cyst, it was two.

One for me and one for my cyster.

5. Watch Out!