why I'll never fly Evil Spirit Airlines again

I'm cheap. I'll admit it. But there are some things that just aren't worth saving the hundred bucks it would have cost me to fly Jet Blue. To wit:

1. I showed up 75 minutes early for my flight (my fault) which was then delayed 90 minutes (theirs). This gave me the opportunity to sit next to a lovely woman who, I'm not kidding, said "fuck" every other word. I texted this my friend Christina, who told me that in response, I should just start randomly saying "poop" to no one. I considered this, but didn't want to poop -- I mean, stoop -- to their level.

(poop.)

2. Evil Spirit Airlines will book your seat for you, but if you want to sit somewhere other than in the bathroom, you have to pay anywhere from $12 to $20 on top of your ticket price. Needless to say, I sat in the bathroom. Where I didn't have any snacks, drinks, or luggage.

3. Something about this airline breeds children. I've never seen so many of them in my life. I swear there were more when we landed than there were when we took off. And they. Were. All. Crying.

4. Ever been on a plane with creaky arm rests and lots of children? Yeah, don't.

5. On the flight down to Florida, we hit some of the worst turbulence I've ever seen in my life. It's sad when the thought of your own death provokes whimpers of "but I haven't DONE anything yet!!"

6. We flew on an Airbus that "was only two years old!" (hooray!) However, Airbuses are made in France, and apparently, in the last two years, there has been such a dramatic decline in the number of French people who pee that the designers thought two toilets would amply serve 156 people. In horrible turbulence. And we were told repeatedly that we should really use the one in the back, since NOBODY can linger near the cockpit door. NOBODY! EVER!

7. Also, French people must be very, very, short, as I am a mere 5'8" and my knees were jammed into the seat in front of me. Even nicer, the seat in front of me reclined while mine was frozen in place, because it was broken. So I read my book like the nerdy kid in high school (which I was anyway), a mere six inches from my face. I considered crying (which I also did in high school).

8. I'm barfophobic. We've discussed this at length. So when turbulence gets really bad on a plane, I don't think "OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING DOWN!" I think "OH MY GOD WHO'S GONNA BARF?!?!" And perhaps this is well warranted:

8A: On the way home, two rows behind me, before we even took off, a flight attendant arrived on the scene with a bag.
"Here," she said. "Wipe that up, and throw it in here. And then this bag's for later."
For me, hearing this was like seeing an accident up ahead and resisting the urge to find out if the motorcyclist lost his head in the collision with the semi. But resisted I did!
When I walked by later (to pee in the one bathroom), the offending guy was covered in napkins, so it was hard to tell. But I'm still convinced he barfed. Because, hell, it's Evil Spirit Airlines!

8B: The landing was extended for some reason, and we ended up flying over Queens, Long Island, up into the Bronx, to the Canadian border, back around via Arizona, and landed at LGA. It was a little bumpy, but nothing like the turbulence we suffered earlier. Nonetheless, I saw a flight attendant waggling a barf bag at a passenger during landing, which is a rare sight. (Luckily I stealthily kept my ipod on under my hair so I didn't have to hear what was going on.)
Anyway, as we were deplaning, she got on the radio and said the regular "welcome to LaGuardia, the local time is blah blah blah" crap, but added the ever so lovely "we know there were lots of upset stomachs during this flight, so if any of you have any bags... full of... sickness, please feel free to deposit them in the garbage as you leave the plane."

Oh Jet Blue, why was I so foolishly led astray??

(poop!)