what makes a guy a keeper

I realize that I've been working on this in a sort of backwards fashion – meeting guys and then trying to figure out why I didn't like them – but at least I'm starting to make some headway in creating a list of criteria for What Makes a Guy a Keeper. (alternatively titled So Many Losers, So Little Time)

I met a guy this weekend at a party, and we really seemed to hit it off. He was attractive, intelligent, interested in me and flirty. But by the end of the evening, my feelings were hurt and I wanted to go home. Two main reasons: 1) in the course of the evening, he never once bought (or offered to buy) me a drink, and 2) he was making points and then refusing to hear what I had to say in response. (For example, he was emphatic that I acknowledge what a great a thing it is that my parents support me in my acting. And I do acknowledge that, trust me, I do. But what he refused to hear was that with that support comes a huge, self-imposed, internal pressure to be successful. And if he could have heard that, instead of insisting on his own point, he might have been blessed with the opportunity to kiss me. As such, he went home alone in the rain.) (and so did I.)

So I've narrowed it down into seven primary categories in which I think you should click with any prospective mate. And I don't think any one is any more important than the others, but that's probably because I've been on so many dates lately that have gone well, but which I wouldn't classify as a success simply for want of fulfillment in one (or, say, six) of the categories.

They are:

• Initial Attraction
• Sense of Humor
• Intellect
• Connection
• Sexual Energy
• Trust
• Consideration

Initial Attraction.
This one is easy. You can't examine it or dissect it. You either are initially attracted to someone or you're not. This really comes into play if you're dating online – you can dig someone's email and phone styles, and then meet them and find that you're just not attracted to him. Sucks, but it's true.

Sense of Humor
I'm huge on laughing, so this is particularly important for me. It's like winning the lottery if I can find a guy who cracks me up. But I have a very specific sense of humor, so it's important that whoever I'm with also find me entertaining. Nothing sucks quite as much as laughing alone. (Well, laughing alone when there are other people around. Laughing alone at home rocks! I'm doing it right now!)

Intellect
For me, this isn't about book smarts (although they're pretty sexy). This is the general ability to talk about issues of interest with some air of authority. Periodically referencing something specific, like a book or a movie or an article, can serve as a means for connecting ("and I read in this book…." "Oh my god I love that book (and now I love you, too!)") If you're smart, you've probably done interesting things. I'd like to know about those things, and perhaps do some of them, too.

Connection
Hmmm. "Connection" is a little wishy-washy. But for me it's huge. It's that feeling that you get after talking to someone for three hours that he might be someone you actually know a little better than you did when you started. This is where someone starts to feel familiar. It's friendship, really. Is this guy someone who is open to being friends with me, to sharing things with me? This also tends to be the area that houses passion – not sexual passion, but passion for the things in your life that are important to you. I like this one. It makes me feel really great when it's there, and when it's not… well, eh. More fish in the sea.

Sexual Energy
If you read the previous post, you know how big a deal this is. It's common knowledge that most guys like to make out. But that doesn't mean they want to make out with you. It's important that the right signals land on the right receptors. I don't want to have to wonder if you want me, but by the same token, I don't want to spend the whole night talking about my boobs. (I mean, they are worthy of an evening of discussion, but you can go ahead and do it without me. Really, I won't mind.) And this is a really fun area to navigate and negotiate. I mean, come on, who doesn't like a first kiss?

Trust
I do a monologue that comes from Athol Fugard's play The Road to Mecca, and in it, the character says, "You know what the really big word is, Helen? I had it all wrong. Like most people, I used to think it was love. That's a big word all right, and quite an event when it comes along. But there's an even bigger one. Trust. And more dangerous. Because that's when you drop your defenses, lay yourself wide open and if you've made a mistake, you're in big, big trouble. And it hurts like hell." Trust is something you can develop (or repair, if you have to), but if I don't trust someone, I have to run away. I have more than my fair share of self-doubt, so I don't need it from the guy in my life. And if these categories are the criteria for starting a relationship, there's no reason for me to invest in someone I don't trust.

Consideration
This has been the watchword for Thea lately, and I've jumped on her bandwagon. It's about how much a guy pays attention to you, and is interested in making you happy. It seems simple, especially if this is a guy who wants to date you or take you home for the night, but in my experience (e.g., above), guys miss this boat more often than they should. It's not about spending money, but about showing a woman you value her. Sure, it often involves money, and I'm not advocating buying her a fur coat on the first date, but if you're getting a drink, check with her to see if she might like one, too. If you say you're going to call at six, try to get around to it before 6:30 or so.

I'd like to think that by narrowing down my criteria into a handful of succinct paragraphs, I will instantaneously find myself with someone who meets all seven. Ok, ok, sure it's unlikely, but the beauty of knowing more specifically what I'm looking for is that I don't have to waste my time anymore with someone defensive (#6), oblivious (#7) or gay (#5).

p.s. these are the criteria I'm using to find out if I want to date someone. Being someone's girlfriend has a few more criteria. But let me get some good solid dates under my belt before we put the cart before the horse!