pantyhose: a lament

Control Top Pantyhose: Fashion's Revenge on or Blessed Gift for the Shapely Woman?

I'm wearing the saddest pantyhose in the world today. I hate wearing pantyhose in general, so any pair is going to be irritating. And if they come from my "lingerie drawer" (which also has socks, shorts and my passport in it), they're likely to have a run at the toe, and a run at the waist (but nothing from shin to thigh!), or be covered in cat fur, as I often inherit pairs from my feline-owning sister or mother. I am the Old Pantyhose Dunghill.

But beyond my regular complaints, today's pair has really let me down.

First off, they're Control Top. (For those of you not familiar with the term "Control Top" see below):
The idea is that this panel of SUPER-CONSTRICTING, NON-BREATHING, BIZARRE-IMPRINT INDUCING NYLON will keep your bulges, ripples, jiggles and other unsightly imperfections in check.

However, it rarely works that way. The kind I have on today are too tight at top, so there's an unsightly De-Controlled Zone (DCZ) near my waist, leading to a nice, um, shall we say, fold, and for some reason, the area of "control" keeps creeping higher and higher, pushing everyone else out below. (see Insert 2.1 below)

What is this controlling? My underwear? Barely!

Now, I'm not saying that I am the poster child for control top pantyhose -- I'm neither Jiggle Free nor the Light 'N' Lively Cottage Cheese Factory, but I'd consider myself someone with a few Control Deficits. And when I ask for help, I expect my pantyhose to rise to the occasion. (But not quite so literally!)

Secondly, I'm experiencing the fine phenomenon of "elephant knees," which basically means my knees look like, well, those of a wrinkly old (or young) elephant. (I thought this was a more prevalent condition, and I'd be able to find pictures of other women's elephant knees online, but apparently it's not even a term used outside my own family. Oh well.)

Basically elephant knees happen when your pantyhose are all stretched out and too tired to bother staying on your leg. My picture above doesn't really do the condition justice, but I'm at my desk at work. I can't take too many pictures up my skirt. Suffice it to say that when I step out of these babies tonight, they're going to be shaped just like me.

Except for the control panel. That part will be shaped like a small Asian woman.

And while I am grateful that everyone down there is safe and secure (and snugger than a bug in a rug), I am appalled that I wore this same skirt all summer and never once thought about what my fanny looked like. Not that I worry it looked bad -- I'm sure it was fine. I'm appalled that in winter, when we're wearing MORE clothes, that's when I start to worry about what's shaking.

So, Fashion's Revenge or Blessed Gift? Hard to tell. All I know is that I have a date tonight, and since I pulled a stomach muscle last night, I can't suck my stomach in. A girl's gotta find her support where she can get it.