adventures in murray hill

I truly don't know where to start, other than not to start at all.

As those of you who are subscribers know, Thea and I have been on a mission to get ourselves out there. Meet people. Make connections. Date. See what our options are.

And let me tell you, last night, we found out what they aren't.

We went to a Meet Up event last night for New York City Singles. If you're not familiar with meet up (www.meetup.com), it's a great idea. It's a website that lets you search for groups in your area with different interests -- card playing, small dog owning, knitting, you name it, they've got a group for it. So we thought that maybe meeting single guys that way would be a good idea. They wouldn't be actors. They wouldn't be open-bar-hugging alcoholics.

They would, however, be painfully average.

We got to the event (for which we paid $10, and for which there were NO DRINK SPECIALS), and we were handed a lock. The gentlemen (I use that word loosely) were handed keys. If you found the right key for your lock, you won an extra raffle ticket. Good idea in theory, right?

"Hey, you're cute, I'm shy, let me make some lame joke about how I'm only in this for the cash and prizes..." But no.

Oh no.

Instead, Thea and I crouched by the calamari, surveying the room. It was junior high all over again. The boys were all on one side of the room, and the girls all on the other. There was no crossover. Until, that is, we were approahced by Laughs Too Loud Guy, who was charming, but wildly uninteresting. He was replaced later by Staring Joseph. I'd like to do an impression for you of Staring Joseph. Come over here and stand within two feet of me. Now don't say anything. Don't even really look at me or Thea. Answer, "yes, I come to these things all the time" when we ask. Oh, and wear a big cross around your neck. That's a big turn on in a bar. Are you still staring? Good. Because that's all Staring Joseph was good at. Even across the room, after we walked away.

Who did we meet on the other side of the room? The Drunken Blonde and Nasty PR Guy. The DB, apparently, had been RECRUITED from the regular part of the bar (where she had already been overserved), to join in the fun in the too-well-lit back room. And Nasty PR Guy, while arguably the best-dressed man in the room, chatted to Thea (not with her) about how he puts his toilet seat down even though he lives alone. Best part? When he went to the bar to get a drink, he asked Thea what she wanted. When he came back, he brought her nothing. "Oh, I forgot what you said you were drinking..."

So Thea left the Scary Ass Back Room Where All The Weirdos Were, and got herself a drink from the waitress in the main part of the bar. That's where she met a weirdo they didn't let into the party.

HIM: I noticed your blondeness from the other side of the curtain.
THEA: Really? Hmmmm. (pause) I have to go back to my friend now.
HIM: The one in the striped shirt?"
THEA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

After that, I declared that, no holds barred, I was marrying the man whose key fit in my lock.

But the worst part of Trollapalooza 2006 was that there was a camera crew from Fox Television there. Yeah, we were not only at the Loser Party (and I say that with as much affection as I can muster, but you had to be there) but there is now documentary footage proving we were there.

Why? Well, Jane Magazine is hosting a blog from a 29 year old virgin, Sarah, and the objective of it (as I gather) is for her to meet men that the readers of Jane have pre-screened and pre-approved. Week 9's winner, Richard, was flown to New York by the Dr. Keith Ablow Show (on Fox) either to dish on the experience, or to meet her on TV or something. I didn't exactly get the specifics. However, as a pre-filming detour, they sent Richard to Trollapalooza 2006 to meet the rest of us. The 29 year old non-virgins.

I foolishly signed a release, so they got me on camera spouting out my drunken theories on dating, and now they are entitled to whatever footage they've shot of me, despite my constant reiteration of "please don't use this footage. Oh god, please!" I thought about flashing them so they woudn't use the footage, or swearing a lot so they'd have to edit it so much it would be unusuble, but then I remembered that it's Fox, and a talk show, so that would only guarantee I'd be on TV. And I'd look like a complete idiot on top of that.

When they finally turned the cameras off, Richard was a nice guy, (as were the guys on the crew) but he was completely out of his depth in New York -- he'd only been here 6 hours. He argued that he doesn't know how to date, citing an 8 year relationship in his past (even though he's been out of his that relationship for five years now), and that he's not sure why they picked him. I told him that he was charming and attractive and that he shouldn't be shy to approach a woman in a bar. Although in a New York bar... I can see why he might be intimidated.

Let's not forget, though, he was at Trollapalooza 2006.

WHAT A COMPLETE AND UTTER DISASTER!

Thea and I left the bar screaming, and didn't stop for about six blocks. We had seriously hit a new low. And because the whole event felt like junior high, we judged it as such. I'm not sure there were any grown ups in that room. The only good thing to come from the night is that we know we're not in that league, the League of People Who Can't Meet People Any Other Way. Hell, not only are we not in that league, we're not even playing the same sport. And while it was reaffirming, it was also really sad. But it was such a complete waste of time and energy that I can't even focus on the sad part without wanting to run six blocks, screaming at the top of my lungs.

As a sidebar, I'm showing Richard the town tonight. Got to get him ready for the virgin!

Oh, and are you still staring? Because I'm pretty sure Staring Joseph still is.