adventures in the flower district

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, step right up to hear the Adventures of The Fearless Duo in Let's Go to a Singles' Event!!!

Yeah, that's right, Thea and I went out last night to an event co-hosted by Absolut Vodka and Lavalife.

First off, they required that you register for this event. So Thea and I showed up, registered as Bob Williams and Cady Sanburg, respectively. Which might have been a problem had we shown up at 8, but by the time we got there, the guy at the front door was so harried that we just showed ourselves in. Little did we know, however, that the guy up front was the guy handing out the free drink tickets.

Luckily, Thea finagled us some drinks out of this guy near the bar, (hell, he wasn't paying for them) but just as soon as we got a drink, they cranked the music up so loud that you could only hold a conversation with someone by yelling directly into their eardrum. Which was really unfortunate for Thea, as the guy she scored the drinks from could have benefitted greatly from a piece of gum. Or a field of mint.

Armed with our free drinks, we worked the crowd -- not in Thea's LA-Style, which apparently involves flailing about and getting ugly looks from all the perfect people in the room, but by simply walking, and acting like Moses, if Moses were in a sea of five foot men. Five foot, unattractive men.

It was only ten minutes in, and already I wanted to leave.

We found Thea's friend from college, Mike, and gratefully chatted with (i.e., screamed at) him while the music got louder and louder. Thea went off to find the bathroom and came back with a lawyer. I sat in the corner and talked to a guy who works in the telecommunications industry who told me that "Snoop is coming to my friend's place later" and that the cellphone is my "remote control to the universe." He insisted on touching me a lot. I insisted on ignoring him after that.

While the noise level was extremely unpleasant, the company (other than Mike) a little dubious and the drinks strong, random and free, I actually had a good time, and learned some valuable lessons last night:

1. Vodka makes me surly. Red wine will open my heart so I love the world. Whiskey will make me stumbly and goofy. Tequila makes me want to smooch everything I see. But Vodka? It makes me want to yell at people and punch them in the head. I don't think I should drink it much anymore.

2. Peeing at McDonald's, while always a risky proposition, is a really good excuse to get a tasty parfait treat. (It's best to go to the McDonald'ses that aren't under construction, though. Hard to pee when there is no bathroom.)

3. I don't think I'm cut out for singles' events at loud bars. Meeting me there is like meeting me while I'm shopping at Bergdorf's -- it's a fluke, and you'll never catch me in that situation again, so how can you possibly meet the real me?

4. Thea is a true friend. Involved in as intimate a chat (i.e. screaming match) as she was with a cute lawyer (who had Hobbit ears), she looked at me, saw that I was surly, single and solo, and told the lawyer we had to leave. Didn't even take his number.

5. Thea and I may be single for a while. And truthfully, that's OK with me!