apropos of nothing

I have, like the mythical Bizarro Easter Bunny, gathered up the following hidden treasures and placed them gently into this basket for you, dear reader, to enjoy in one fell swoop (instead of collecting them on the back of a headshot postcard of yourself when you were 26, which, when espied by a new, younger beau, engendered a whoop of "Is that you? You look nothing like that!")

(See what I go through for you?)


Much like Easter at our house, though, this post may only be full of peeps and jelly beans. I make no promises.*

1. I have decided (and believe that Dante would be on my side on this one) that there is a special place in hell reserved for the individual who made it possible to listen to music through the speakerphone on a cellphone.

And if not, there should be.

2. Why, oh why, must the lobby of my office building smell like fried chicken? Ever, really, but especially at 9:15 in the morning?

3. I had the idea recently that it would be cool to have on an invisible sweater. It would be all warm and cable-knitty, but completely see-through. The only problem is that if someone touched you, they'd feel the sweater, so you'd probably have to wear another sweater over it, which would make you look fat (or at the very least, bulky) and would totally defeat the purpose of the invisible sweater in the first place.

4. My friend reported having seen a hearty NYC squirrel lug a whole bagel with cream cheese out of a garbage can at Columbia. What I'm wondering is, who's the dummy who threw away a whole bagel with cream cheese?

5. I broke the office the other day. Apparently, all it takes to shut down an entire wing of my law firm is a little hazelnut syrup spilled on the rug (and one's pants, and one's shoes, and one's hair). It was in my mug and I was on the ten foot journey from my office to the coffeemaker when I dropped the mug, flinging hazelnut syrup everywhere. I cleaned it up as best I could, but several hours later, people were complaining about the smell of "old, stale coffee" and even called Office Services, who came and crop dusted us with Lysol.

I fessed up hardcore, but everyone who smelled the hazelnut syrup said it wasn't me. All I can say is that it was a good day to have a door.

6. I recently proclaimed that all bad smells are funny. I've appended that proclamation tonight, though, after passing through 42nd Street on the C train, where the smell was so thick I'm pretty sure I ate poo just by breathing. Yum!

7. An excellent quote from the half-book I half-received for my half-birthday: "The harsh truth is, most red-haired men look like blondes who've spoiled from lack of refrigeration. They look like brown-haired men who've been composted out behind the barn. Yet that same pigmentation that on a man can resemble leaf mold or junkyard rust, a woman wears like a tiara of rubies." (Tom Robbins)

*Note to my mom:** I love peeps and jelly beans.

** I mean, to the Easter Bunny.

know your blogger: a quiz for the dedicated reader

Directions: Using a number 2 pencil, mark the correct answers on the screen. (If you're blonde and make a mistake, feel free to liberally apply white out to the screen, but only if you've ever been to Disney and seen the sign "<-----Disney Left" and gone home.)


1. What has gotten your favorite blogger up onto the roof four times already this summer?
a) the regional tour of Riverdance
b) blocked gutters that, when they overflow, make a really loud splash against the fire escape and wake her up at four in the morning
c) a cadre of noisy squirrels having sex
d) how would you know, you're not my favorite blogger!


2. When recently hard boiling some eggs, what did your favorite blogger do?
a) join the regional tour of Riverdance
b) start juggling the raw eggs and not the hard boiled ones
c) not scorch, toast, or merely burn her potholder, but aim for more of a potholder flambee, requiring a festive dance while putting a flaming piece of fabric into the sink
d) See d, above


3. What did your favorite blogger's date say as he ascended the stairs to her apartment?
a) "Nice ass! Do you Riverdance?"
b) "Geez, this is the ugliest apartment building color scheme I've ever seen."
c) "Come here often?"
d) "Hi Jesus, Hi Tiger!"


4. What would you say if you saw this in the hallway of your date's apartment building?

a) "Nice ass! Do you Riverdance?"
b) "Geez, this is the ugliest apartment building color scheme I've ever seen."
c) "Come here often?"
d) "Hi Jesus, Hi Tiger!"

5. Your favorite blogger recently celebrated her half birthday. What did her date bring her?
a) half a birthday card, reading "You'll need it when you're swinging on the chandelier by your ass," prompting her to wonder what in the hell the other half said
b) half a book of Tom Robbins short stories and one organic cotton legwarmer
c) half a vegan cupcake that was shockingly delicious (and animal free!)
d) all of the above

6. How many runs did your favorite blogger score in her kickball game today?
a) 0
b) 1
c) 2!
d) she plays kickball? Isn't that kind of, well, athletic?

7. What was the highlight of the kickball game?
a) your favorite blogger's chocolate-coconut cupcakes
b) the way your favorite blogger caught the kickball and made the out, even though it may well have broken her left boob
c) when your favorite blogger did a cheerleading kick that took her foot over her head and somehow knocked her other foot off the ground, causing her to land on her ass and exclaim, "Ow! My pride!"
d) all of the above

8. Which words best describe the weather your favorite blogger has been living with?
a) summery, delightful & lovely
b) June-like, dry & breezy
c) clear skies, fresh & salubrious
d) none of the above (see question 1)

TO SCORE:
The best way to score is to be your favorite blogger's date! (Ba-dump! I'll be here all week; tip your waitress!)

Another way to score is to be on your favorite blogger's kickball team, as they beat the black team 10-6 today.

Or, you could just add up all the correct answers. (There should be 8 of them.)

happy 503rd post!

Apparently I missed the opportunity to commemorate my 500th post (this one) so I'm throwing a party on the 503rd one, and serving you all the following menu:

Hors-d'œuvres

Jeune fille avec le grande illusion
A girl in my neighborhood who told her friends that she was a really good swimmer and this year her mom was probably going to let her swim across "Lake Champagne." I thought about volunteering to lifeguard.


L'conversacion (for two)
On the way to the subway, I passed a married couple with a kid. This was the extent of their conversation.

Him: Yeah.
Her: Yeah, yeah.
(pause)
Him: Yeah.

Les Bougies
I learned a new phrase from Fernando the other day. He told me he had a "bat in the cave." I couldn't figure out what it meant until I saw him waving his hands around his face, generally aiming for his nose.

Deuxième

L'grand ironie
A friend texted me this from the airport the other day: "I just saw a dog with cataracts leading a visually impaired man leading a blind man."

L'grand comique
I heard that there is one joke that is universal. It appeals to everyone, regardless of upbringing, race, religion, history, etc. I'm not sold on its universality, but it's this: the idea of a fat man rolling down a staircase. (Are you laughing?)

L'grand question
How many times is the average turnstile rung on the top of the turnstile? I imagine the answer is "one out of three" but I don't want it to be. Because picture this: you've got one person going in, and one person going out. Then in, then out. That third rung (the one on the bottom) will never make it to the top. But I guess they invented math to prove my silly logic wrong.

Troisième

Salade Chinoise
I had Chinese food the other night with my friend Kate. Afterwards, I cracked open my fortune cookie. "Happiness is a state of mind," it read. "That's stupid." Kate said. We cracked up. Which begs the real question: which is stupider, the fortune cookie or us?

Jours de maladie
A friend at work was talking about having a touch of the plague. "You know," he said, "it's just kind of a 24-hour Ebola. Nothing big."

Faux-real Fernando
An actual quote from Fernando today: "She's asking if we're talking about her. What should I say?"

Dessert

Pie-ta
I was at an awesome concert last night and sitting in a nook behind where my date and I were standing were two women, one cradling the other. I asked my date what he thought was going on, and he said, "maybe she's sick and needs to be cradled." Later in the concert, I pointed out that unless she was flashing the audience a brief smile, one of the lead singers looked like she had a headache. "Perhaps she needs to be cradled," my date offered.

long time no see

"Come here often?" she asked, leaning perilously on the bar and lurching herself in your direction.

Here are a few observations of late:

1. Did you know there are frogs that can live through the winter, frozen solid? It's true!

2. I was reading the New Yorker on the train the other day (which is where I learned about the frozen frogs) and the guy sitting next to me was reading the exact same magazine, one page ahead of me. I very much wanted to tap him on the leg and ask "does it get better on the next page?" but I didn't. Because I don't really want to grow up and be a crazy cat lady.

3. What's a good word? "Dummie." Not used enough in life.

4. My friend has a date with a guy who works at a company called Littler. It's pronounced "Lit-Ler," not "Little-er" but that doesn't really change the fact that the guy's last name is Weiner. (and no, it's not pronounced "whiner")

5. I saw a girl on the sidewalk the other day wearing a shirt that said, "I'm not with Stupid anymore." I punched her in the head and took it.

6. Ok, maybe not.

7. I ran into a mini-setback recently and called a friend, announcing myself as the Department of the Bummed. She called back the next day to, as she said, "calibrate her bummerometer."

Foxtrot Union Charlie Kilo

I was listening to some hard-core German acid-techno today while working out (not what you thought I listened to, eh?) and the name of the song was Foxtrot Union Charlie Kilo. It's just about as subtle as Britney's If You Seek Amy. (Just get drunk and say that a couple of times and it'll start to make sense.) I mention it, because, well, I named the post after it.

Fernando and I were discussing some of the unfortunate smells one is likely to encounter in the bathroom again (I swear we talk about more than poo) and another co-worker and I agreed that there is an odor worse than poosmell: crotchfunk. That rancid, pantyhosed hooey smell that some women are prone to. There was a woman in college who had crotchfunk so bad that when she worked out next to you, you wanted to barf -- and she wasn't even wearing pantyhose!

Fernando was disturbed beyond his ability to comment.

(May I add, however, that neither my co-worker nor I are sufferers from this malady. I mean, we suffer, sure, but do not generate the funk ourselves.)

Unrelatedly, I've observed that when you take off your pj pants as you're heading to the bed (because pj pants are good for hanging out in, not actually sleeping in), when you wake up in the morning and put them on again, they're backwards. To counter this, I've started approaching my bed backwards.

Three more delightful places to visit:

Awkward Family Photos, where the photos are awkward and the families are, too!
My First Dictionary, which I secretly want to read to the screaming kids on the train. [Thanks, Rhonda!]
and a little mind bender: The Wrong Brand.

My boss dropped a gem on us the other day, complaining that users were "drinking from the fire hose of stupid." I'd like you all to promise not to do that.

(Oh, wait, I take that back. You'd all leave.)

There was a squirrel outside of my apartment the other night, and it was either really, REALLY horny, or really, REALLY being eaten by the stray cats in the neighborhood. I'm not sure I care which.

And for the locals... have you noticed? The Swine Flu (oh, forgive me, the H1N1 Virus) has been given its own theme song on NY1. Kind of a cross between "Crap! It's Deadly! We're All Going to Die!" and the ice cream truck song.

more things I think should be rules

I'm not a bossy person. (Ok, well, I'm not ALWAYS a bossy person.) But there are certain things in life that I think should be rules. And these are but a few of them:

1. If I am going to pay you a dollar to sit outside the bathroom and sell candy, then I should be able to see myself in the bathroom mirror, and I should not have to wipe the pee off my toilet seat.

2. If I join you at a BBQ, you should not force food into my face. (Really, the way you all did that was reprehensible, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.) (heh heh)

3. If you are going to stroll three abreast on the sidewalk, you should not hold hands.

4. And if you don't heed number 3, then you should at least stick to ONE SIDE of the sidewalk and not weave back and forth.

5. And if you don't heed numbers 3 or 4, then you should HEAR ME AND MY GRANNYCART COMING and move out of the way before I have to say "Excuse me" more than once.

6. If you live in my building, you should definitely put your trash into the trash cans. We have rats on this street and I don't particuarly want them moving in with me.

7. If you are as adorable in 3D as you are in 2D, I should recognize you. (My bad, Taar. Sorry!)

8. All grassy fields should spend at least two weeks without being mowed so little legged dogs can bound through them like they're some kind of jungle grass and feel like herodogs.

9. If you are having your 30th birthday party, you should not have it at a bar full of 23 year olds.

10. If you are a yogi, you should not make snippy comments to me in a class on goal setting.

11. If you are my armpits, you should really make an effort not to smell like a litter box. (what the hell is THAT about, anyway??)

That is all.

For now.

groutyogurt and other fancy stuff

I am out of chocolate and it is raining. These are two very important facts that may or may not have any bearing on what flows from my fingertips in this post. (Just thought you should know.)

That being said, I got a spam message the other day that was just full of random words and a link to a porn webcam, purportedly. It said (and I quote), "emotion flummox dehydrate yellow groutyogurt feeble worm evacuate" I'm not sure what groutyogurt is, but I'm pretty sure it's growing in my shower.

Meanwhile, on my seltzer bottle, I can see that the good Orthodox Rabbinate has blessed my seltzer, making it kosher for passover. Mine, apparently, was especially blessed by Rabbi Ralbag. I had the pleasure, however, of mistakenly thinking it was blessed by Rabbi Ballbag.

I want to make some t-shirts. One will say "Jesus only loves you 'cause he has to." The other is for me to wear at the Park Slope playground. On the front it says, "These are not my kids." On the back it says, "Do you have a brother?"

A direct quote from Fernando:
"Sometimes a poo is so gross only an old dude could have dropped it."

Have you seen texts from last night? It's a website where you can forward your sent or received text messages for the world to enjoy. Searchable by area code! (Thanks, Rhonda!)

My recent favorites:
"I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home."
"Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier."
"(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom"

Similarly, have you seen Ask Google? It's a blog that does some of the more philosophical Google searches for you and then posts the answers. It's a great idea whose founders must have been less than enthralled with it, as there are all of four posts and the last one is from 2003. Alas...

What is love?
588,000 "love is" free
305,000 "love is" forever
227,000 "love is" understanding
117,000 "love is" stupid
67,700 "love is" selfish
44,700 "love is" expensive
13,200 "love is" selfless
0 "love is" "a prickly sunrise of the soul"

While you're at it, go out there and enjoy Postcards from Yo Momma. It's a collection of emails and texts from readers' mothers. (I'm sure I've got a doozey or two I could submit...)
For example:
"Backstory: After I got a D on my economics exam.
Honey, econ is for boring and ugly people. You shouldn’t be in that class, you’re too pretty and creative. I’m sick of these hard classes. Next semester sign up for gym classes."