apropos of nothing

I have, like the mythical Bizarro Easter Bunny, gathered up the following hidden treasures and placed them gently into this basket for you, dear reader, to enjoy in one fell swoop (instead of collecting them on the back of a headshot postcard of yourself when you were 26, which, when espied by a new, younger beau, engendered a whoop of "Is that you? You look nothing like that!")

(See what I go through for you?)


Much like Easter at our house, though, this post may only be full of peeps and jelly beans. I make no promises.*

1. I have decided (and believe that Dante would be on my side on this one) that there is a special place in hell reserved for the individual who made it possible to listen to music through the speakerphone on a cellphone.

And if not, there should be.

2. Why, oh why, must the lobby of my office building smell like fried chicken? Ever, really, but especially at 9:15 in the morning?

3. I had the idea recently that it would be cool to have on an invisible sweater. It would be all warm and cable-knitty, but completely see-through. The only problem is that if someone touched you, they'd feel the sweater, so you'd probably have to wear another sweater over it, which would make you look fat (or at the very least, bulky) and would totally defeat the purpose of the invisible sweater in the first place.

4. My friend reported having seen a hearty NYC squirrel lug a whole bagel with cream cheese out of a garbage can at Columbia. What I'm wondering is, who's the dummy who threw away a whole bagel with cream cheese?

5. I broke the office the other day. Apparently, all it takes to shut down an entire wing of my law firm is a little hazelnut syrup spilled on the rug (and one's pants, and one's shoes, and one's hair). It was in my mug and I was on the ten foot journey from my office to the coffeemaker when I dropped the mug, flinging hazelnut syrup everywhere. I cleaned it up as best I could, but several hours later, people were complaining about the smell of "old, stale coffee" and even called Office Services, who came and crop dusted us with Lysol.

I fessed up hardcore, but everyone who smelled the hazelnut syrup said it wasn't me. All I can say is that it was a good day to have a door.

6. I recently proclaimed that all bad smells are funny. I've appended that proclamation tonight, though, after passing through 42nd Street on the C train, where the smell was so thick I'm pretty sure I ate poo just by breathing. Yum!

7. An excellent quote from the half-book I half-received for my half-birthday: "The harsh truth is, most red-haired men look like blondes who've spoiled from lack of refrigeration. They look like brown-haired men who've been composted out behind the barn. Yet that same pigmentation that on a man can resemble leaf mold or junkyard rust, a woman wears like a tiara of rubies." (Tom Robbins)

*Note to my mom:** I love peeps and jelly beans.

** I mean, to the Easter Bunny.