bad postal karma

I'm not big on new year's resolutions. I like the feeling of turning over a new leaf at the beginning of the year, and the low-level psychic support of thousands (if not millions) of others also trying to better themselves helps to do that, but January first feels so arbitrary. Why should this Thursday be any different from last Thursday? I try to remember that each new day is another opportunity to make a new plan and to change things about my life that make me unhappy.

Like my relationship with the postal service...

I've been having some bad postal karma lately. A birthday present arrived for me after I had left town for the holidays, and UPS declared that the driver "MET CUST MAN." When I called UPS, they told me that meant the driver had "met the customer's man." I, being the customer, wanted to know who that man was, as I have yet to meet him myself. (A new dating service! Let UPS pick your date!) I told the customer service agent that there were a number of men who lived in the building, but none of them lived with me. Yet. (She didn't find that as amusing as I did.)

Long story short, I sorted things out with the company this morning, and would HIGHLY recommend Philosophy if you're interested in ordering bath and body products. Their customer service was OUTSTANDING. Needless to say, I had the new package shipped to my office, to avoid the black hole vortex that my lobby has apparently become.

Similarly, I ordered presents for a friend of mine from Amazon and the mailman delivered a "We Seemed To Have Missed You" slip to her mailbox when she wasn't home to receive it. She signed the slip to indicate they could leave the package for her, and then either put it in the mail or returned it to her mailbox. (I'm not sure which.) Regardless, the package is now sitting at her local post office and since she's no longer in possession of the slip (but does have the tracking number) she can't get the package.

This is my imagined version of the exchange at the post office:

Friend: Hi, I'm here to pick up my package.

Postal Worker: Your slip.

F: I don't have it. But I have the tracking number.

PW: I don't need the tracking number, I need the slip.

F: But I don't have it. I have ID with my address on it, and the tracking number. Wouldn't those indicate I am who I say I am?

PW: Without the slip there's nothing I can do.

F: But I mailed the slip back to you. (Or put it in my mailbox -- whichever she did.)

PW: Without the slip there's nothing I can do.

F: So the package, which is sitting right there where I can see it, which is addressed to me, at the address that is right here on my state-issued ID, which, in most states, counts as proof that I am who I say I am, will be sent back to the shipper because I lost a lousy piece of paper?

PW: Without the slip there's nothing I can do. (read: "It's beyond my control.")

F: I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE IN HERE AND THEN SHIMMY THROUGH THE FOUR INCH WINDOW SO I CAN GET TO MY PACKAGE, BITCHES!

PW: That'll be fine, as long as you give me the slip first.

I have no idea how that's going to work out.

And then, as a kicker, I'm having this problem with my Time Out New York subscription. I've subscribed to this magazine for a hundred years and have never had a problem. Then, in September, my subscription runs out. So I try to renew it. But nothing happens. So my subscription runs out, and in November, I renew it for three years. My credit card is charged, and I settle down, waiting for the Thanksgiving issue.

Nothing.

So I call them the first week of December and say "hey, where's my magazine?" and they say "what magazine?" and I say, "um, yours?" and they say "yeah, you're not a subscriber" and I say "yeah, I am" and they say "um, ok, please hold." Then they sort it out, and the 12/11 issue should be on its way to me.

December 30th comes and I call them again because I still haven't received an issue. I say "hey, where's my magazine?" and they say "what magazine?" and I say, "um, yours?" and they say "yeah, it's at your house" and I say "um, no, it's not. I'm at my house, magazineless" and they say "well, it should be there, call the post office" and I say "ok, I'll call the post office, but why do I have this notice threatening to send me to collections when I've already paid for a three year subscription?"

(pause)

"ok, NOW you should get a magazine, and your subscription ends in September of 2009" and I say "yeah, except that I paid for a three year subscription" and they say, "ok, yeah, you're right" and blah blah blah blah blah. Six years later, they tell me that I'm all set, that I'll get the January 11th issue and that my subscription will be four issues short. I say, "So basically, since you guys claim to be sending me four weeks of a magazine that I haven't gotten, I have to suck it up and get four fewer issues in my subscription." Their response, "Um, yeah."

Note to TONY: if I don't get the January 11th issue, I'm calling my credit card company and stopping payment on that charge. (Take that!)

I hope everyone is having a lovely new year, and if you need help sticking to any non-postal related resolutions, feel free to contact me. I can be a great motivator if you need one!