a family trip

Once upon a time, Grandma and Grandpa Surgeon had two children, Dick and Janet.*

After finishing school near Chicago, Dick Surgeon left the midwest and settled in New York, where he met his wife, Lois, and they had two beautiful, brilliant, sweet, and phenomenal girls, Priscilla and Kate.**

Janet settled down outside of Chicago and met Dick Practitioner, and they had two children who were wonderful in their own rights, but nowhere near as awesome as Priscilla and Kate.***

Right after Kate was born, Grandpa Surgeon died. It was sad, but Kate was too small to know anything about it.

When Grandpa Al Surgeon died, Grandma Surgeon (whose name was Marian, but who (for some inexplicable reason) decided that "Mar-Mar" was a better name for the grandkids to call her) drove around with the ashes of Grandpa Al in a box in the trunk. Everyone thought this was a little odd, but when Mar-Mar said that she liked having him around, everyone agreed it was easier not to argue with Mar-Mar and let it drop.

Many years later, Mar-Mar also died. This was sad, too, but Kate was big enough to know things about it.

As a result, Dick and the East Coast Surgeons inherited the enormous powder blue boat that she had been driving in her last (incontinent) years. (Yum!) While the Surgeons were happy to have what amounted to a brand new car to replace the Shithole they had previously owned, the Oldsmobile was a lateral step (if not a backwards one), and definitely did not improve their good looks. (As if anything really could...)

When the car arrived on the East Coast, Dick put the ashes of his mother in the trunk with his father. Everyone thought this was a little odd, but when Dick said he didn't know what else to do with them, everyone agreed it was easier not to argue with Dick and let it drop. (Anyway, he was going to be the ONLY family member who would be driving that ass-ugly car, so who were the rest of them to argue, really? And the other choice was putting his parents in the garage, which seemed kind of hostile, so Grandpa Al and Mar-Mar moved into the trunk of the Olds.)

Waaaaaay too many years passed, and the Oldsmobile finally died. This was NOT sad.

However, Grandpa Al (whose box, incidentally read, "Melvin Surgeon," not "Alvin Surgeon") and Mar-Mar were once again without a home. So Dick transfered them into the trunk of his new (inexplicably powder blue) car.

Many more years passed, and Janet came to visit the East Coast Surgeons for Christmas. Dick picked her up in his powdery car, with their folks in the trunk. When she got to the house, Janet sat down, asked for a drink and said how nice it was "to take a nice ride with my whole family again." And that kicked off Christmas.

The End.

*This is actually true. It wasn't until I wrote it just now, however, that I realized how close they are to Dick and Jane.

** This is also true. Really!

*** This may be editorialized a bit.

Author's Note:
We tried to get Dick and Janet to make a plan for the relocation of their parents, but I feel compelled to point out that Al's been in the trunk for 32 years, and Mar-Mar for 10, so expecting forward movement on this is kind of like waiting for pigs to fly. (They might. You never know.)

In related news, I once managed to really freak out a boyfriend by asking him if he wanted to meet my grandparents and then opening the trunk of the car and introducing them to each other. Good times!