the online equivalent of dumping out the vacuum cleaner

Here, for your entertainment, but in no particular order are some thoughts I've collected in my brain (which doesn't lose suction!) over the last few days/weeks/eternities:

1. I used to think the Dyson vacuum commercials said "doesn't USE suction" instead of "doesn't LOSE suction." If it didn't use suction, I wondered, how did it get the dirt and crumbs into the vacuum? Gentle persuasion? Excessive compliments? Two-for-one drink offers?

2. One of the things I really like in life is being the first one to step on the freshly laid bathmat. Luckily, this is much more easily accomplished when single. Another benefit of being single? When your office won't let you bring a date to the holiday party, you can say, "Well screw you, I didn't have a date to bring, anyway!" (My company, however, is using reverse psychology on me and allowing me to bring a date, which, in a posture of strength, I am refusing! Respect my singlehood!) Although... I could bring the chiropractor. (And his girlfriend.)

3. Speaking of the chiropractor, I'm suffering from a little role reversal. Just last visit, the physical therapist (who was close to being cast off of Survivor: Chiropractic) told me that I was showing some improvement, and the chiropractor (who had previously been the sweetheart of the series) told me that I was "too far along to be showing this little progress."

Mixed messages. Hurt. My. Brain.

4. I pass a co-worker's desk at least ten times a day, and for the last month, she's had a bottle of "Chestal" on her desk. I swear to you that the first time I saw that bottle, I thought she was involved in some bizarre mammarian experiment. Apparently she just has a cold.

5. Someone at work recently threw out four quarts of milk. Full quarts. Right into the trash. With loose lids. Like that's not going to cause a mess. Don't these people throw things out at home?

6. Places where skin is acceptable: bodies, soups, butternut squash lasagna filling
Places where skin is not acceptable: jell-o, eyeballs, milk

7. There is a higher power, and I think it might be a Norse god. What's my proof, you ask? I tried to get a piece of furniture from Ikea twice, and was thwarted both times. Fool me once, etc., but after getting to Ikea and them being SOLD OUT of the piece of furniture I wanted? Well, we won't be fooled again.

(Editor's note: when I discovered that the Red Hook Ikea was out of the Hemnes Wardrobe (in white), I broke down in tears. There I was, just shy of 32 years old, weeping my little brains out in the boxed furniture department because I couldn't give the Swedes (who are my people, I'll have you know) an extra $400. It was sad. Three hours and a little rearranging later, I decided I didn't need the piece anyway. Take that, Thor!)

8. You've heard that joke, right? Thor, the Norse god, goes out to a bar one night and picks up this girl. They hit it off and head back to her apartment. After a wild night of knocking boots, he starts to feel bad and decides to tell his date of the evening who he really is. So he rolls over, gently strokes the woman's face and says, "There's something I haven't told you: I'm Thor."

"You're Thor?!?" she retorts. "I'm tho thore I can barely thee thtraight!"

And... that's a wrap.