watch out for flying merde

In an order that makes sense only to me and my drug-addled brain:

1. Summer colds suck. And summer colds that have no concomitant pain suck worse. (It sounds counterintuitive, but it's not.) Without pain (sore throat, headache, whatever), you don't know how sick you are, and you do silly things like stay out late on Friday and Saturday and by the time you're draggin' ass and ready to recover on Sunday, the weekend is already over and you've missed your chance. So then you have to stay home alone, all day, on one of the hottest days of the year so far, armed with neither netflix nor cable, (uphill both ways), grateful that The Stand (which you are now reading after having looked at it on the shelf for over a year and a half) is 1134 pages long because you've already read 200 of them today.

The defense rests, your honor.

2. I got this email recently:
"please allow me to open up this friendly line of communication with you...first and foremost my name is dee,i read ur profile and i respect how u feel about people and life itself. you couldnt epressed urself any better then that. now as for myself,i admire realness,honesty,loyalty. im very business minded,mentally intuned with the almighty and im very clost with my family. fars some of the things i like and dislikes lol. i like making money thats why im self employed. love to travell,work out,read,dance,bowl and net-work with good hearted strong minded people. my dis-likes are,i cant stand being around fake people,racist,nastyness and disloyal people. other then that im just a down to earth guy thats focus. after i read ur profile i said she sounds like a woman of sustance let me drop her a line or two. if by chance ur interested in geting to no a rarefind gentleman i guess ill be hearing from you.lol"

I'm especially fond of how he likes how I feel about "people and life itself." Um, have y'all read my profile here? While I'm fond of it, and won't be changing it any time soon, I think perhaps I could have epressed myself better.

Oh, and did I mention I got it twice? Excellent.

3. Along a similar line, I finally got Yahoo personals to accept my profile without saying it had "too much personal information in it," and then, once it was posted, promptly took the profile down. Because in addition to a bevy of gents who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're," I got this email (abridged, of course, because the original was about five pages long). Now, I have to admit, it's well written and charming (and makes references to things in my profile, so some of it may not make any sense). But enough! Read:

Oh come on Kate! That last picture [the one I've now posted as my main photo here] is just not fair. I might have passed your profile, but that last shot of you is just so sexy and alluring. Now you might be asking yourself, why?! Why would someone want to pass by your profile?

Gee, I don't know, Mike from Staten Island. Why don't you tell me what's wrong with my profile.

Your Height - Some guys might want to pass you by because they would be intimidated by your vertical superiority. I have no such issues with you, as I am taller than you. That's not my concern.

You're Liberal - OH no, is political debate taboo in a relationship? I don't think so... do you? I'm somewhat conservative, but I've shifted to not-political. ... I don't think you're the type to get crazy over political discusion, so this is not my concern either.

Batman T-Shirt - Most girls would not present themselves in a Batman T-shirt. There is a small percentage of men that might pass you by, just because of your t-shirt. These are the same people that have their brains eaten in zombie movies.

OK... OK... OK...

I'll get to it. Religion is my concern. I'm not a church goer, but I am Christian / Catholic. Normally, I don't push my ideals on people. ... So, this wouldn't be an issue in the beginning. Yet, I'm forward thinking and I can be serious minded. What happens if we're together in bed. You're wearing nothing my blue button-down shirt and I'm wearing a big smile. Then, you tell me the news. "Mike, I'm pregnant!"

What would we tell our child when they ask, "Where did I come from? Why am I here?" Yes, I have a big imagination. I can see us having a lot of fun together. Nothing says we have to have children, but "What if" is a game I play. I think we'd have a lot of fun together, but what if?!


You mean, what if I never email you and we never meet and we never end up in bed together and we never have children? What will you tell them then?

4. Have you seen the fainting goats? I heart them.

5. Has anyone been to Austria? I'm taking suggestions for my family's trip in September.

6. I went to White Castle on Friday night. At 11:30. I ate a chicken ring and I was assured it was cut right from the chicken's ring. Why was I there? Hmmm, short answer: birthday party. Long answer: did you know White Castle burgers (called "Slyders") have five holes in them? So not only are they tiny, they're Swiss! And, um, I'm on a trek to explore all things Swiss in NYC. (I'm pretty sure the long answer is a lie.)