instructions for the under-assed

How to Make Your Butt Feel Bigger in Three Easy Steps

Feeling too trim? Butt not wiggly enough for you? Never Fear! K8's Three-Step Butt Increasing Regimen can help!

1. Wake up in the morning and put on a pair of pants, preferably lined, that fit just perfectly fine last year. (If you can, select a pair given to you by your sister, so you can be sure that HER ass would fit in them, even if yours doesn't.)

2. Sit down in said pants. Make sure the lining stretches like sausage casings over your bee-hind and thighs. This step is crucial because it indicates to you the fabulous increase in fannitude without actually communicating that increase to the good people around you (namely the head of HR or anybody you might be dating).

3. Walk around and feel the lining stick to your things. This is essential to at least the perception that your butt is growing.

If these steps don't make you feel like you've stuffed a down coat into your trousers, here's an additional step -- pinch the flesh of your left hip when zipping them up. Nothing says "Un-Slim" like zipper wounds on the hip!