you need to read this like a fish needs streamers and a big horn for its bike

I'd like to start today's post with a HUGE celebration: today is the first Secretaries' Day in nine years that I haven't had to suffer the indignity of being a secretary.*

I can't tell you how good this feels. It's better than the smell of thaw. Better than hot, melty chocolate cake. Better than sex. Better than that giddy feeling you get when the guy who's been making you laugh all night leans in to kiss you.Yeah, sure, ok, I didn't get any flowers or gifts today, or get taken to lunch by my bosses (which has, on past occasions, been more of a chore than a delight), but I did get a chair with my firm's name on it.

Oh, and I got my pride back.

*I have nothing against secretaries. I think they do very important, valuable work. I just don't ever want to be one again. A huge side-benefit of not acting anymore is never having to answer someone else's phone.

Devolving right along...

1) I've discovered another tanning salon in my neighborhood -- this one's called Sunspot Tanning. Seriously, guys? Why not just go for Freckle Central or Blotchy 'R' You?

2) The depressing thing about eating Grape Nuts is that if you restrict yourself to the actual serving size, your breakfast is over in mere nanoseconds.

3) My friends with the four cats are out of town for a couple of days, so I've been swinging by their place to feed the brood. One of the cats has a rampant peeing issue (i.e., she pees on EVERYTHING) and when I got there last night, she had topped her best. The instructions for taking care of the cats? Yeah, she'd peed on them.

4) I had a meeting today with a woman who, when I spoke to her on the phone, I was convinced was a pleasantly dumpy woman from the midwest. Walking through the door into her office, however, I discovered she was a Perfect Person. Instead of being threatened by her perfectly tanned skin and tiny designer jeans, I actively decided to interact with her as if she were a frumpy gal from Ohio. I'm pretty sure it worked, and even if it didn't, I felt a hell of a lot better about it.

5) Last night I was discussing some techniques for networking, especially if you're shy. One woman suggested that when you go into a room, just pretend you're someone else. At the end of the meeting, one of my friends turned to me and said, "Would you mind if I pretend to be you?"

Anytime, chica. Anytime.

6) Old news, but still true, as I wade through the leftovers: I think that all the Jews really needed to do was invite the Egyptians over for Passover dinner, and then sneak out really early the next morning, while all the Egyptians were clutching their bellies and their heads, sleeping off their Maneshewitz hangovers.

7) What did one boob say to the other?"We'd better stop saggining like this before someone thinks we're nuts!"