First, some excellent things I've heard recently:
1. At my birthday party about a month ago (and the only reason I'm recounting it now was that I totally forgot about it, and found the cocktail napkin I used to record the conversation in my camera case):
Guy: I'm black and Peruvian and Brazilian and Chinese.Me: I'm half Swedish.Guy: Can I make out with you?
Me: No.
(Note: this guy was not remotely attractive to me, despite his compelling heritage.)
2. Tonight, sitting next to a naked guy reading a book about cooking meals for childen:
Guy: I'm touching my testicle do you like sleeping canneloni?
(Note: this particular guy was four years old.)
3. Also tonight, with said naked guy (prior to disrobing) rolling around on the carpeting:
Guy: I don't want to control myself. It feels soooooooooo good!
(Note: this particular guy could have been four or thirty-four, I'm not sure it makes much of a difference.)
4. In Colorado this weekend, I met my friend's roommate, Yoshi. He walked into the kitchen in a pair of what looked like brand new jeans with the entire front crotch area completely busted out.
My friend: What happened to your pants, Yoshi?
Yoshi: Oh, I roundhoused my friend.(pause)
My friend: You think you can get those fixed?
Yoshi: No, probably not. And they're brand new. I got them for Christmas from my mom.
(pause)
My friend: Well, why don't you ask her where she got them and then just go and buy another pair?
Yoshi: I can't. The exact same thing happened two years ago.
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A note to all the low-life cheating bastards out there in the world (and my dear, sweet readers will only be able to pass this on to them, as none of my readers are of this particularly shitsome ilk):
You fuck with my friends again, I'll hunt you down and hurt you.
Love,
kate
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A conundrum for those of us who are dating:
Is there a difference between who a person is, and how that person treats you?
I think this is a particularly compelling question, mostly because unless you spend great amounts of time with the person you are dating, and see him (or her, obviously) interact with others, you'll never know the difference. And if a tree falls in the woods...
Anyone else have thoughts on this?
Actually, while we're here, I have another question:
What's an acceptable time frame for a "relationship"? I mean, when is it ok to start thinking of someone as your boyfriend (or girlfriend)? I know I rush into things too quickly [and if anyone I'm dating is reading this, don't freak out! I'm not thinking of you, per se, I'm just thinking outloud], but what's "too quickly"? And if the person you're with is really the right person (as chosen for you by the universe), could rushing that stage really ruin things?
My friend tonight reminded me of when I tried to rush things with ugly cake's boyflan and how disasterous the results were. These days, while I really really really want to be in a relationship, it is important to remember that, sure, the early bird gets the worm, but slow and steady wins the race. (And afterall, who wants a wrinkly little worm??)
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Is there anything that can be made out of an english muffin, half a jar of tomato sauce, a wedge of blue cheese, a frozen banana, some licorice and four mealy apples? Because that's what I've got in my fridge right now.
Oh, wait! I just found some All Bran.
Lucky me.
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Some photos from Colorado:
You probably can't see it in the picture, but something about the air in Colorado really turns your boogers into weapons. Small square cubes of boog in your nose that, if picked (say, accidentally), could actually cause bleeding.
Also, for any of you considering traveling to Colorado, please avoid doing at least one of the following:
- getting dehydrated
- getting sleep deprived
- getting emotional
- getting premenstrual
- getting hung over
- getting jet lagged
- getting hosed by a fake snowstorm in NYC that cancels your flight but actually brings no snow
and
- getting a cubey booger stuck to your sleeping shirt
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