tips on being cultural

Here are a few things you should know before going to the New York City Ballet like I did tonight:

1. When your ticket is only $20, you should probably bring your binoculars. Barring that, you should definitely bring your glasses. (Especially if your night vision isn't all that.)

2. Don't go at all if you're going to sit behind me and hack up a lung. That's just gross.

3. The dancers are all skinnier than you are. (You know this.) However, some of them may actually seem to have boobs, and, while physiologically impossible, that's wildly unfair. Take some comfort in knowing that it's probably just the cut of those leotards, which only look good on ballerinas, Barbie dolls and toddlers in diapers.

4. There are bound to be some good looking male dancers. Don't forget that they're looking at all the good looking male dancers, too. (Can you say "Package Enhancer"?)

5. The choreography is likely going to involve a number of changements (or, as Keri calls them, "foot twiddles"). This will impress the ladies. Recreating said twiddles on the subway platform will not.

6. If you interpret some of the dancing-as-stand-in-for-dialogue to be "here, you take this jug" and "ow, don't punch me again" and "no, I can't stay, I'm going far far away to that corner over there," you're spot on. I got the script ahead of time, and that's exactly what they're saying.

7. When you watch the guy do the splits in the air, don't forget about the other guy, the one with his leg at a right angle while he spins around for two and a half minutes. I wasn't even spinning and my leg got tired. (Ok, I wasn't holding my leg up either, but that's not the point.)

8. And, last but not least, stay away from the Ladies' Room. It smells like old lady vagina.