conversations with ugly cake

So, instead of sitting down and shoving the other half of it into my face to fill up the emptiness I periodically feel, I decided to sit down and have a heart-to-crumb with ugly cake. The following is a transcript of our conversation.

k8: Hey ugly cake. What's up?

ugly cake: Not much. I'm kind of bummed.

k8: why?

uc: Well, I'm kind of seeing this flan. And he's really great. Rich, creamy, fluffy, without being too airy -- he's got a lot going on. And the other muffins in my life think he's a stud. But I think he just isn't really ready to be in a relationship with me.

k8: what makes you say that, ugly cake?

uc: It's complicated. You know, it was my birthday recently.

k8: Really? I had no idea! Did someone get you a person?

uc: Um, yeah. You.

k8: Oh, right, duh.

(pause)

k8: ahem. go on.

uc: Well, on my birthday, there was this big party, and I invited the flan to go with me. And he agreed to go -- this was weeks ago, mind you, when I first invited him. See, we've been going out, I don't know, a month or two? And I realize that meeting all the other baked goods in my life might be a little precipitous at this point, but why not? It's a party, there would be all kinds of free nuts and frostings there, I thought he would enjoy it.

So, as the day of the party approached, I asked the flan if he would consider coming back to my pantry after the party was over. He immediately told me it wouldn't work. And didn't give a reason for it at first. (I mean, I know he's got this big dish, and there's alternate side of the cupboard parking in the pantry where he lives, so he probably had to take care of that. But there seemed to be more to it than that.)

k8: Oh, yeah, the guy I'm seeing has a car. Same deal.

uc: My feelings were hurt. Here it was my birthday, and the flan didn't want to share it with me. I felt like something was inherently wrong.

k8: well, did you ask him what was at the heart of it?

uc: Yeah. He said that he didn't understand why it was so important to me that we spend the night together.

k8: Oh that sucks. I mean, duh, it's your birthday. Of course you want to spend the night with the flan you're seeing.

uc: THANK YOU.

k8: No, I'm totally with you. So what happened?

uc: Well, we talked about it some more, after the party and after we had spent the night together and he told me that he wasn't sure what he had found so threatening in my request.

k8: well, it's good that he was thinking about it.

uc: Yeah. He said maybe it was the importance I was placing on our being together, maybe it was the assumption that we'd be together... I don't know. He said he was uncomfortable with my depending on him.

k8: Ooh, that sucks. Sounds kind of like he just hasn't decided whether or not he's ready to be in a relationship yet.

uc: I guess. But then why is he acting like my boyflan?

k8: What do you mean?

uc: Well, he calls me almost every night, talks to me about what's going on in his crumbs, invites me over one night and then balks about having me over two nights later... why is he doing this?

k8: I don't have an answer for you on that one.

uc: What can I do?

k8: Well, I certainly don't know. I think all you can do is give him the space he needs to make a decision like that. It sounds like it isn't you, ugly cake. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to be clear and communicate what you'd like.

uc: I know, but I feel like I'm failing.

k8: Listen here, cakey-poo. This has nothing to do with you. You are a charming, loving, adorable (albeit ugly) cake, with rich frosting and cute sprinkles. Your flour and eggs stayed together and gave you a seriously chocolatey base. Not every cake is as lucky as you. Sure, you sometimes feel like you're not enough --

uc: TOTALLY.

k8: -- but we all feel that way sometimes.

(ugly cake blushes)

k8: The question you have to ask here is one that Thea asked me earlier, while we were eating you. Why are you in it? It shouldn't be all about him. Why are you sticking around?

uc: Well, I'm hoping that it will get better.

k8: And is there any indication that it will?

uc: That's hard to tell. (thinks) Well, he says he's acting in a certain way to achieve a certain end result, one that won't be as fucked up as his last few attempts at relationships. He says he's not 100% sure he's doing it the right way. Maybe if he didn't try so hard, maybe if he just relaxed and trusted me... I don't know. (sniffs)

k8: Hey, it's ok. (patting ugly cake with a fork) You don't have to have an answer right now. Just keep an eye on whether or not you're getting what you want out of this "relationship," whatever it is.

uc: I just want him.

k8: I know. Trust me, I know. But can you live with what you're getting, just as it is right this very second?

uc: (begrudgingly) no. I don't think so.

k8: So, I'd say you should get through the holidays, focus on your family and friends, your potential new career as a... what?

uc: half-eaten birthday cake.

k8: Um, right. (confused look) Just see how it is in January, and don't forget to keep something for yourself.

(pause. ugly cake dries her tears)

k8: You know, I'm having a hard time thinking about eating you anymore.

uc: Phew. I was starting to get nervous.