The Holiday Schedule at Chez Surgeons

Welcome aboard Holiday Airlines Flight 2006 from Brooklyn, New York to Southern Connecticut, where you'll enjoy a four-day, four-night stay at the renowned Chez Surgeons, a five-star bed and breakfast tucked into the heart of snooty suburbia. Please review your itinerary for your stay:

Friday, December 22:
2:49 Hastily depart your office, realizing that you have no train ticket in your wallet and some large carry-on items (a suitcase, backpack and shopping bag). Run through Grand Central, knocking small, festively decorated children on their asses.

3:04 Arrive in the train, ticketed, to find an empty seat next to the snottiest lady alive. When you move her coat so you can put your suitcase in the luggage rack, resist the urge to punch her when she sneers, "could you please leave my coat where it was?" Instead tell her that you'll put her coat on top of your suitcase if she'd like (unless she'd rather sit on your suitcase...)

3:07 Train departs. Take a nap.

4:16 Train arrives in Snootyville. Greet your mother when she picks you up in a car you can't see because it's behind you. Right behind you.

4:17 -- 7:15 Hang out with your parents (the proprietors, no less) and eat far more from the tin of popcorn than you thought humanly possible -- especially because the popcorn will be stale.

7:15 -- 8:30 Wrap presents (a.k.a. hide) upstairs while your parents have cocktails with some family friends that you don't have the energy to talk to. In the same timeframe, your sister and brother in law will arrive home, so just when you think the party is leaving and you can go downstairs for a snack, everyone has another drink, and you're stuck in the office, starving (because everyone knows stale popcorn has no staying power).

8:30 -- 11:00 Hang out with your sister and brother in law. Try to sneak up on Scott while he is wrapping presents. Scare the daylights out of him. Break down laughing. Try not to pee in your pants.

Additionally, eat so much corn chowder that you actually have to lay down to feel better.

11:00 -- 11:30 Enjoy "Christmas Eve" with your family. Unwrap your Christmas Cuties (the nightgowns/pajamas your mother has bought for the family for the last 30 years so you look nice in pictures in the morning). Drag your popcorny/chowdery ass to bed.

Saturday, December 23rd
8:30 Wake up because your sister hocks a big fat loogie in the shared bathroom.

8:35 Sneak downstairs and hide behind a really big present and scare the pants off your mother and sister.

8:45 Make noise so Scott and Dad wake up.

9:00 Start Christmas!
(Scott didn't get a pair of kitty pants)

10:00 Eat too much French toast.

10:30 Enjoy unwrapping too many presents, including several books, a new duffel bag, some lightbulbs (yes, I asked for them), a bunch of tights, muffin pans and a new can opener (no, I didn't ask for that, but mom thought I did). Whenever you open something you don't particularly like, feel free to say, "Oh, I have one just like this at home," and then hide that present in a pile you can't see.

12:30 Start cleaning up after Christmas. Eat too many candied pecans.

3:30 A guest arrives for dinner. This guest may look a lot like the guy you are dating. Try not to freak out. Stay cool. You have another seven hours together.

3:30 -- 7:30 Play games with the family -- most notably, the new game Apples to Apples that Polly gave to dad this year. Fun game. Win one round!

8:00 Dinner at the Country Club. Feel posh. Get drunk. Admire your guest as he converses with ease and grace with members of your whole family. Fantasize a little about what it would be like to actually count on him to be there. Then stop.

9:30 Go to the bathroom and have a weak moment, wishing you actually had a serious relationship with this guest.

9:32 Notice that your sister has flung her stall door open while still on the toilet. Let her cheer you up. (She rocks.)

10:30 Enjoy wheelchair rides from your sister in the coat check. 10:45 Your guest departs. Go to bed. Don't think about it.

Sunday, December 24th
8:30 Wake up because someone in the house closes a door too loudly. (Don't forget, you're the lightest sleeper ever)

8:45 Go for a walk with your sister. Try to burn off the scallops, wine and chipwich from the night before. Oh yeah, and the guacamole, cheese and crackers, too. Did I mention the candied pecans?

9:30 -- 2:00 Laze around, working on the Sunday Times crossword, chatting with the family, and playing with new toys from Santa.

2:00 -- 4:30 Quake in trepidation as Lois goes into Party Mode, and strikes fear into the hearts of every family member. "There's an inch of dust on every surface in this house!" Prepare to dust, vacuum and clean up within an inch of your life.

4:30 -- 6:30 Cocktail party. Eat too many cocktail weenies, chips, mini-quiches and candied pecans.

Pretend not to notice when Polly and Scott slip out through the garage so they can spend Real Christmas Eve and Real Christmas with Scott's family in Vermont.

6:30 -- 7:15 Caroling on God's Acre (that's what the call the lawn in town that happens to be bordered by three churches -- what else do you want them to call it?) with the family and remnants of the cocktail party guests.

(Mom and Auntie Miriam)

7:30 -- 11:30 Pretend you're eating dinner, but instead, flop down on a couch and eat more hors d'eourves. Watch Warm Springs, the HBO movie about FDR. Watch the rest of your family fall asleep on the couch.

Monday, December 25th
8:15 Wake up because your dad doesn't know how to close a door quietly. Try not to be bitter.

8:25 Go running. Hell, you've eaten enough for a small country at this point.

9:15 Come home and eat a sensible breakfast. (twice)

9:15 -- 12:00 Do nothing. Really. Nothing.

12:00 -- 1:00 Play paddle tennis with your dad. Win the first set 6-1, lose the second set 6-2 and lose the third set 6-4. Swear like a sailor, but have a hell of a good fucking time!

3:30 Depart for your aunt's house to pick her up for the big family Christmas, more food, and regifting!

4:30 Arrive at your cousin's house, eat more food, drink more wine, and get rid of some crappy gifts you've accumulated over the year. Walk out with a set of floating candles (which you put in last year) and a Coach bag. Consider yourself totally the winner. Feel lucky you didn't get any of these:

9:30 Step away from the cookie tray and chocolate box, and end the Christmas festivities. After all, you have a "flight" to catch tomorrow morning at 8:07.

10:30 Arrive home, and call your sister in Vermont. Let your mother tell her everything you've just spent the last half hour telling her.

11:30 Go to bed. It's been a long weekend!

Tuesday, December 26th
7:30 Get up.

8:07 Get on the train.

8:10 Get depressed.

9:15 Get to work.

9:30 Start writing.