read this. it will change your life.

Would you like fries with your drivel today? (If so, please go out and purchase them. This is not a charity operation, you know.)

A few things I'd like to comment on, in no particular order:

1. I am not one to say "never," but I believe this firmly: Cantaloupe should NEVER be green and furry.

2. A friend from high school was in town recently and asked me if I had had a breast reduction. I turned to him and said, "I've had a whole ME reduction!" and then proceeded to call him a boob-looker for the rest of the night.

3. Have I mentioned that I finally joined the human race and got cable? Yes, yes, I did! I also got high speed internet and phone, too. Except, (surprise, surprise) the phone doesn't work. I called Time Warner to report it and they said I have to call them from my home. Excellent.

3a. I got cable on Wednesday and was out late Wednesday night, so I couldn't watch it or play with it at all. And then, on Thursday I went my parents' house straight after work. So Thursday morning, slightly hung-over, I stood naked in my living room, towel turban on my head, trying to program my DVR and pack my suitcase at the same time, periodically running into the other room to put clothes on. It was a sight.

(an approximation of my inner monologue: "Ok, CSI.... "press select"... ok, select! .... brrr, I need some pants.... oh! Pants! good idea, pack those!... Ooh, Mythbusters! Yeah, I like that!.... man, I'm thirsty.... hmmm, what shirt should I wear?")

4. I believe that, in mid-August, I should not be sleeping in long pants and a long sleeve shirt under my heavy blanket. Unless I'm feeling especially profligate and am sleeping directly under the air conditioner. (which is almost never the case)

I also believe, unrelatedly, that you should not wake up to August temperatures that correlate to the hour of the day (e.g., it should not be 55 degrees at 7:55, like it was today). And (also unrelatedly) I believe that you should never have to wake up at airplane o'clock (7:47).

5. I sent this email to my friend Keri today, who I'm sure now thinks I'm insane:

Dear Library,
Keri recommended this book. can I have it please?
Love,
Kate
---------------------
Dear Kate,
Yes, you can have it, after 179 other people read it.
Love,
NYPL
-----------------------
Dear NYPL,
You kind of stink. But only a little. By the way, here's my $1.75 for five books overdue a day. My bad.
Love you!
k8
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Dear Kate,
We love you, too. Would you like to send us $20 as part of our fundraising event? Please?Pretty please?
Your BEST FRIEND,
NYPL
-------------------------
Dear NYPL,
Here's $20, but please stop calling me and hanging up. It's getting awkward.
Regards,
Kate
-----------------------
Dearest, sweetest, most lovable Kate,
Where have you gone?I MISS YOU SO DESPERATELY!I am holding all your holds until you come in and I can hold you again.
Your hot lover,
NYPL
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To the New York Public Library,
You are hereby ordered to stay 50 feet away from Ms. Katherine Surgeon at all times. Failure to do so may result in a fine and/or prison sentence.
THE NEW YORK POLICE DEPARTMENT

At least I crack myself up.