more entertaining utter uselessness

I was recently complaining to a coworker about how stupid some other coworkers were and I said to him, "I mean, come on, it's not like it's rocket surgery!"

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I think it's sad when the only action you're getting is from your dental floss:
(and when the screen on your camera phone is so small you can't tell when something is in or out of focus...)

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Remember my animal crackers? They've been in the bag together too long, and I think they're getting randy!

I can't say that I blame them, though. I've always been a big fan of hot monkey on hippo action. (lion on guinea pig action? squirrel on cow action?)

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I was on a date the other night, telling one of my favorite stories of all time, and the Frank I was on the date with cut me off halfway through. And I'm all for chiming in when you're excited about what you're hearing, but I also believe there needs to be some circling back to where the original story was left off. Otherwise it feels like you're not listening to me.

So, in honor of interrupting cows -- I mean, boys -- everywhere, I bring you the full story:
I used to live one block further south than I do now, and on my way home, I used to pass a small produce store, run by an overly friendly Korean woman who spoke both English and Spanish (and, of course, Korean). I was a very regular customer, and she often plied me with chocolate bars, compliments or other niceties you might share with your top shoppers.

Our conversation was always very mundane -- the weather, the neighborhood, the price of cantaloupes. It was a formality that was comfortable. I knew her well enough to greet her in passing, but not well enough that I actually knew anything about her. One day, however, she crossed some imaginary line and took up residence at the corner of Don't Go There Lane and No She Didn't Avenue.

I happened to walk out of the house one morning sporting the largest Mt. Vesuvius my forehead had ever seen. I mean, this zit was so big, it throbbed. It impinged my line of sight. It was colossal. I did my best to cover it up, but there was really no hiding it, so I just pretended it wasn't there and went on with my day.

Until I got to the produce store. The first thing the shopkeeper said to me was, "You have beeg peempill on your foh-head!"

I stared at her, shocked. After twenty seconds, I picked my jaw up off the floor and said, "You don't tell people that! They already know!" I paid for my goods, stormed out the door and contemplated never going back.

Of course I went back (her fruit was so much cheaper than anyone else's) but from that point on, I dubbed her Inappropriate Vegetable Lady, and was braced for whatever was going to fall out of her mouth next.

"You very beeg," she said, making the hubba-hubba-big-tits gesture with her hands. "I no think so 'cause you so skeeeeny!"

I made the mistake of telling her I was single. "You no maddied? You preeeety girl. You should be maddied. Make man buy food for you to cook."

I made the mistake of telling her I had a date. "Where he take you? 'Spensive dinner? They no pay, they no good."

I made the mistake of taking a boyfriend in with me to shop. "You maddy her? You very lucky. She very beautiful." And in the same visit, "You two look like brother-sister."

Eventually I took to lying to her. Yes, I lied, he buys me things. Yes, I told her, he's moving in. Yes, I dug the hole deeper, I'm engaged.

Finally, I moved up the street. No longer passing her store on a daily basis, I found it much easier to just never go back. And although the folks at Steve's C-Town (Town Town) are efficient, cheap and non-intrusive, occasionally I suffer a wave of nostalgia for Inappropriate Vegetable Lady, and wonder what on earth she would come up with if I strolled into her store today.

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My sister is turning into my mother. Last night I talked to her on the phone and she told me three different times that her wig had arrived from Hong Kong just that very day. (which was funny enough just hearing it once.) My mother would say my sister has a case of "youngsheimers."

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How's this for an awesome quote?

"One thing is certain: To the person with an unshakable faith that something wonderful is going to happen, something wonderful is happening." -- Eric Butterworth