I've learned a thing or two recently about boundaries.
For the longest time, I didn't think about boundaries. I thought, hey, I'm pretty cool, and I like feeling close to people, so I'm going to show you everything I've got, and you can go shopping in my soul to fill up your basket. That way, you'll like me better... so I can like me better!
It really never occurred to me to keep anything back. I thought that if a relationship was "real," it was meant to handle the mess and the ugly and the misery of a drowning person (me). That was its point, right? I never really knew the benefit of handling something on your own, and then approaching your friend/lover/parent/etc. as a person.
(Insert blanket apology to all my ex-boyfriends, ever.)
(Oh, and my family.)
(Yeah, ok, my friends, too.)
(Random reader? You want in? Fine. My apologies for all those years.)
Having been single for a while now, and recently going through something best described as "tricky" with one of my closest friends (which means we haven't spoken on a daily basis like we're used to), I've begun to see the benefits of handling emotional things on my own, and having boundaries.
Turns out: boundaries aren't just about what you let in from other people, but what you let out from yourself. (hmmmmm.)
As an actor, it is valuable to have access to a lot of emotion. (I think this holds true for human beings in general, but I'm just me.) However, there is a difference between "being emotional" and acting on that emotion. For example, a few years ago, I was so dismally unhappy with myself, I started to cry in front of my boyfriend who, bless his soul, didn't judge or walk away or anything. He just stayed with me and supported me. A total hero. The more I cried, the more wretched I felt. That sinking, spiraling feeling overwhelmed me and I got angry, sick, sad, miserable... a million crappy feelings at once. (I forget how it ended. Maybe my hero boyfriend rallied me. I only remember how awful it was.)
The problem was that the more I shared this with him, the crappier I felt about it. I wanted him to rescue me, but he couldn't.
If I had had a sense of my boundaries back then, I would have told him that I was having a crappy night, that he should go home and that I would take care of myself and either come by later or not. It's easy to succumb to the idea that someone else can take care of you better than you, and while someone can be supportive and help you out, you're the one changing your mind. You're the one doing the work.
Tom Kenyon (a random guy I found on the internet, who I happen to like) said in an article about boundaries, "To say 'no' to ourselves or another can sometimes be the most courageous and powerful act imaginable. And sometimes, saying 'no' to someone is more 'loving' (i.e., caring) than saying 'yes.'"
Of course I'll continue to be an open, trusting person. That's just my nature. And I'm sure I'll overstep and understep my boundaries in the future. But I finally know about them, and what they feel like. I'm willing to work on them and keep them in my awareness.
So go ahead, try and mess with me. I'm Boundary Girl now!
(um, no, please don't.)
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In writing this, I looked around online for some framing ideas, and came across some thoughts that didn't incorporate themselves neatly into what I was writing. I share them with you in a half-hearted attempt to smack any of you over the head who want it (or will want it further down the road).
This site talks about how unhealthy boundaries may appear in a relationship, mainly in six different ways:
- Lack of a Sense of Identity
- Settling for Second Best
- Over-Responsibility and Guilt (for someone else's well-being)
- The Difference Between Love and Rescue
- Fantasy vs. Reality
This site delineates the range of boundaries, including healthy boundaries, unhealthy boundaries, walls and no boundaries.
It also shows the signs of healthy boundaries, for those of you who are now worried:
- Appropriate trust
- Revealing a little of yourself at a time, then checking to see how the other person responds to your sharing
- Moving step by step into intimacy
- Putting a new acquaintanceship on hold until you check for compatibility
- Deciding whether a potential relationship will be good for you
- Staying focused on your own growth and recovery
Weighing the consequence before acting on sexual impulse - Being sexual when you want to be sexual--concentrating largely on your own pleasure rather than monitoring reactions of partner
- Maintaining personal values despite what others want
Noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries - Noticing when someone invades your boundaries
- Saying "NO" to food, gifts, touch, sex you don't want
- Asking a person before touching them
- Respect for others--not taking advantage of someone's generosity
- Self-respect--not giving too much in hope that someone will like you
- Not allowing someone to take advantage of your generosity
- Trusting your own decisions
- Defining your truth, as you see it
- Knowing who you are and what you want
- Recognizing that friends and partners are not mind-readers
- Clearly communicating your wants and needs (and recognizing that you may be turned down, but you can ask)
- Becoming your own loving parent
- Talking to yourself with gentleness, humor, love and respect
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