the trouble with showmances

showmance noun [shoh-mans]

1. a romantic affair or endeavour centered around the experience of working together on a theatrical production; a love affair of the same nature.

Ok, so they're not typically found in the dictionary, but showmances abound in an actor's life (but let's be honest here -- particularly in mine). They are passionate, ardent affairs, leading to emphatic (and premature) declarations of love on Brooklyn subway staircases, to desperate kisses in the bathroom of a dingy midtown bar and to bodies slammed against the security grate of a closed laundromat at 2 o'clock on a Thursday morning. (All excellent experiences, really.)

They break up relationships. They start new ones. They personify and embody the delirium and ecstasy of actually doing what we as actors dream of doing -- being on stage every night. Of living that ideal life, in which being a secretary or a waitress or a messenger really does take a back seat to being an artist. Because of the intensity of emotions involved in theatre and the short time period a show lasts, the participants of a showmance subliminally agree to see only the bright side of each other -- as actors/directors/playwrights/producers, not as human beings with wildly inherent flaws. Just as you don't judge the character you're playing, you suspend judgment (hah! perfect phrase) on your showmance. You believe, albeit however briefly, that this is the most perfect person, and that you are going to have the most perfect relationship ever.

There are platonic showmances, as well. Those you carry on with married folks (keep your snickers to yourselves, peanut gallery), or with cast members of the same sex. These are often called "Show Friends" (as distinguished from "Real Friends"). Thea, Lisa and RJ are the perfect example of show friends turned real friends. Thea and I met working on a truly showmantic play (one in which I met a boyfriend of two years) and Lisa and RJ and I met on an all-female Measure for Measure... and yes, despite the lack of men, I had a showmance (in my head) with the woman playing Angelo. Can't help it. When you're a showmance junkie, you get your fix where you can.

Here's what's tricky about all of this: a showmance makes you feel really alive and tingly all over. You can't wait to get back into the theatre, back into the company of people who support you, who fill all the holes provided by your regular life. It's community. It's family. It's... addictive. I mean, what's better than the look in your showmance's eye when he tells you that you've done more for this play than he could ever imagine?

Ahhhhh... I digress.

I bring this up, not because I'm in a show and have found myself a hot new showmance (alas), but rather because a Work Friend (read, a Show Friend Of A Different Origin) who recently left the law firm has me worrying that he won't successfully make the transition to Real Friend. I don't think it's a particularly difficult transition, but it does take a concentrated effort to stay in touch with someone you no longer see everyday. And that's the number one reason Show Friends don't make the transition. Friendship that requires no additional effort is much, much easier... but is it friendship, or just convenience?

And, ok, maybe I bring it up because it's been at least a year since I was even in a showmance, and I just want another hit (even though I've sworn off deluding myself). I really wish I could just find someone Real, someone as passionate and electric as the Actor, as strong and focused as the Director, as genius and soulful as the Playwright... and, yeah, maybe I'd like to see that person through the blinders of a showmance, if for no other reason than to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop in three licks.

And that, my friends, is the trouble with showmances. They allow you to operate in a world where that kind of blindness is regular, if not the norm. The romance gets intense too quickly, feels too good too soon, and then evaporates before you even start to get to know that person.

And we all know that's not the way to get me what I want long term... even if it feels overwhelmingly like it will give me what I want right now. Stupid showmances. They're such ruiners!!