i'm so fearless it's scary (part two, saturday)

Day Two, or Kate Learns a Shitload and Then Gets Kind of Burnt Out.

Saturday morning began (way too early) with a seminar with Iyanla Vanzant [watch out, her website is really hooey-gooey and kind of God-and-Jesus-y] which was awesome. She's a really terrific presenter -- kind of an Oprah-meets-Ellen-meets-a-minister-meets-my-mom. Very funny, not particularly Jesus-y and completely upfront and real.

When we talked about fearlessness she said that fear is just our body's way of presenting us with a warning sign that it's time to make another choice. We don't choose fear (for the most part), she argued, we fall into it. And when we fall into fear, we can either choose to stay in it, or we can choose to find the joy, exhilaration, or the whatever-that-isn't-fear of the situation. It's about cooperating with yourself to rid yourself of fear.

She also said there were three things you could do to keep yourself out of fear:

1. Be clear about why you're doing what you're doing.
Try to emphasize what you're moving towards rather than what you're moving away from. (for me, for example, this would mean looking at it as moving towards counseling and not away from acting.)

2. Be clear about what you're actually willing to do.
Set a realistic goal about what you want. (again, in this example, it's not realistic for me to think I'll be enrolled in a graduate program by this summer, or that I'm willing to leave NYC to go to grad school.)

3. Be clear about what you're willing to give up.
Focus on giving up something you already have, and remind yourself that this is only temporary. (I may have to give up the financial security of this job, but in the end, I will end up with another job)

Also, in giving something up, look at what you're not willing to give up, and then give that up first.

Then we started talking about other things, and I won't post them all, but one of the things she talked about was "staying in your own car." Helping other people is great, but when it comes at your own detriment, there's no point. "If you're driving someone else's car," she asked, "who's driving yours?"
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My next session was with Debbie Ford, the woman who wrote the book I raved about recently. Oh, she's so truly cool. I'd very much like to be her. Her seminar was awesome, just choc-a-bloc
with good stuff, and I think my pants are burning from the fire she lit under my ass.

Long story short (I'll try): She works on what's called the Shadow Process. It's about acknowledging that all the crazy traits you hate in other people are actually part of you. And until you acknowledge that the rude, boring, needy, arrogant and offensive people you see in the world (these are some of my trigger words, not yours necessarily) are just like you, you'll never find peace with them.

The flip side of this is that if you are so focused on being "good" or "perfect" or "nice" then you run the risk of embodying all the characteristics you loathe, because you're focusing on running from them and not on what you're going towards. (See that integration?? I'm totally holistic!)
She has seven key qualities that, if you cultivate, will help you see the dark side of yourself, and help you make peace with others.

1. Compassion
Debbie said she usually travels with a baby, seats the baby onstage and then asks the audience for a number of qualities they hate about other people (or themselves). And then she declares that the baby's just been "fat" or "stupid" and she goes over and whacks the baby. Now, something tells me she never actually travels with a baby, but it's a good way to see that you can't blame someone for hating fat or stupid people (even themselves) if they learned at a very young age that it's wrong or shameful to be fat or stupid.

2. Humility
The only part of ourselves that likes humility, Debbie argues, is the false "good" persona we present to the world. It's not a quality the ego enjoys. And yet, since we really know nothing about the universe (except, perhaps a fraction of our miniscule part of it) then we must be humble in order to learn more about it, including learning more about ourselves.

3. Courage
We need courage to face qualities in ourselves that we detest. We need to be strong and determined in order to face our own shame and fear.

4. Shamelessness
We must love ourselves so much that we become shameless in our expression of that love. Debbie got on stage and said "you know, that wasn't a very good welcome. Clap for me some more to show me how much you want me there." And we did. And she said that self-love expresses itself by asking for what you want. We are only worth as much as we are willing to ask for.

5. Forgiveness
We are all flawed. And to free yourself from your anger and frustration, and to connect with those elements of your dark side, you have to forgive yourself for being human. For being flawed.

6. Focus
In looking at your darker qualities, you need to know where you want to go. Go towards greatness, Debbie advises.

and 7. Self-Loving
It's kind of like shamelessness, but more encompassing. It's what enables you to be shameless in your expression of your self-love.

Oh there's so much more, but I'll move on.

After lunch we had a presentation by Caroline Myss, but I wasn't wild about her, so I'll skip it, and then we had a presentation by Arianna Huffington. She made a variety of interesting points, and I'll try to be selective about them.

1. The greatest obstacle to fearlessness is the "obnoxious roommate in your head." The negative chatter we tell ourselves, and listen to. What can we do about it? Lower the volume -- add a sense of humor, observe the voice and disassociate yourself from it ("I am not the voice.").

2. Another obstacle to fearlessness is the sense we have of struggling against things. Look at everything in your life that showed up, but was not part of your plan. Try to move from struggle to grace and acceptance. (Very Buddhist, and a little hard to grasp, although her phrasing of it speaks pretty clearly to me.)

And another thing she points out? Forgiveness is not about forgiving the other person, it's about forgiving yourself. I like that.

Getting burnt out? Me, too. Imagine this taking eight and a half hours!