Fernando is still trying to kill me

I'm not paranoid, I swear! Here are five more ways in which my dear, sweet, wonderful officemate is trying to kill me. (Or at least drive me to take my own life.)

(You can see the first five ways in which he's trying to kill me here.)

6. He steals the garbage can
In an effort to be environmental, Fernando and I share a garbage can. One can, one bag, less plastic in the oceans... we're essentially good people. Except when Fernando HOGS the garbage can WAY over the halfway mark between our desks. He claims it's the cleaning lady who does this, but I know he's using some weird telekinetic voodoo to inch it over to his side while I'm not looking.

7. He got me hooked on pitted dates
Once upon a time, Fernando came back from the 99 cent store with a container of pitted dates. They were cracky good. We ate them until that container was gone. Then we bought another one. And another one. And another one. We ate them like they were going out of style. He turned me into an ADDICT! I'm like a vegetarian zombie who roams around moaning "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES"

8. He forces me to write songs
Fernando will take anything I say and turn it into the refrain of a song. For example, I'll say something like "it's time for a pitted date" and he'll spice it up and jazzify it, chanting "it's time for a pitted date (oh yeah!)/ it's time for a pitted date (you know it!)/ you asked for the time, and instead you got this rhyme / it's time for a pitted date!" and then I end up singing the pitted date song for the next two-to-three hours at least. My other coworkers think I'm crazy, but really, without Fernando I'd be totally sane. I swear. I'd never make up a song all by myself...

(Note to self: don't write about the pitted date song, or it will get re-stuck in your head.)

9. He stopped eating pitted dates!
After introducing me to the heroin-like fruit, Fernando stopped eating them. Because they had calories and nutritional value. See, Fernando has this strange obsession with the Eat-This-Not-That kind of news reporting that can be found on such reputable sites as Yahoo! Mail. He continually alerts me to which fast food joints have the worst grades in the fat/calories department, even though he knows I haven't eaten fast food since high school. He also thinks he's going to die of visceral fat. (I periodically remind him that he has to HAVE visceral fat to die from it.)

10. He drinks like a fish
Back in the day (around the time of the pitted dates), I vowed I would drink more water. You know, because it was good for me. I announced my intention to Fernando, making it more likely that I would actually follow through with it, and he joined in.

Now he drinks WAAAAAY more than I do, and he's got this weird clicky throat noise that makes me worried that water is going to come out his nose if he holds his head at the wrong angle. (I secretly want to test out this theory, but how could I subtly convince him to drink water while leaning over the arm of his chair?)



Now, I just want you all to know that I am NOT THREATENED by the fact that Fernando eats better than I do, drinks more water than I do, is generally more charming and attractive than I am, and that when he's out, fewer people come to visit.

Not threatened at all.

(Although, you should also probably know that one time he made me try to pop popcorn with my cellphone. I know, crazy, right??)