Fernando is trying to kill me

It's true. He's out to get me. (I don't know why, I'm nothing but charming, loving and adorable.)

Proof positive:

1. He gave me more death gum.
Last time he gave me death gum, I wrote it off. I mean, the guy has no taste buds. He won't eat chocolate, but he'll enjoy a stick of perfumed ass? This time, however, I'm convinced he's trying to poison me. Yesterday's flavor was a cross between toilet bowl cleaner, fruity fruit and a pine tree. Apparently there were some other lovely flavors that blossomed while munching on the gum. (I only know this from watching others chomp on this foul concoction. I spit the shit out before it killed me.)

2. He sits in his chair and does the peepee dance.
We sit facing each other all day, and the guy drinks more water than a great whale. But for some reason, he likes to push it with his bladder. He makes rules about how much water he must drink before allowing himself to pee, and meanwhile, I sit across from him and develop agita, just waiting for him to pee in his pants.

3. He scoffs at my chocolate baked goods.
In the last year and a half, I have baked a lot of goods. And since Fernando won't eat chocolate, I have bent myself into a pretzel to bake non-chocolate options. Peach cakes, peanut butter cookies, white chocolate tarts (he'll eat those, since white chocolate really isn't chocolate afterall, duh)... I've spanned the gamut. And yesterday I brought in chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and what did I get?

"YECHHHHH! And good morning, Kate!"

4. He still has the good desk.
After all this time together, he still has the good desk, and I still have the crappy one. No amount of whining, cajoling, non-chocolate-baking or other chicanery I have used have led him to relinquish his hold over the desk that faces the door, and to move into my crap-ass desk that backs up to the door, allowing everyone I work with to know I'm writing this. (Luckily, it's 6:03 and nobody should care.)

5. He's gotten me addicted to green tea mints.
And these puppies are expensive. We had to order them in bulk from Amazon, just so we could afford them. I'm worried now that he might actually kill me, just to inherit my share of the mints.