the single girl and her christmas tree: a parable

Once upon a time there was a girl in the city and she was single. She was content to be single because, well, that's how it was, and there was really no point fighting it.

One fine, December afternoon, the single girl called her friend and neighbor, Jimmy, to see if he wanted to come pick out a Christmas tree with her. He had helped her last year, offering his opinion on her shrub selection, taking the trunk end as they wrangled the tree up the stairs and generally bringing holiday cheer to the event of Tree Selection.

This year, however, Jimmy was out of town, and the single girl really needed to get a tree TODAY. (It was going to snow tomorrow, and she had to have it in time for her party next weekend.)

So the single girl bundled up in her coat, grabbed her granny cart, and trucked off to the local merchants to buy a tree.

Sadly, the folks at the Polish grocery store were extorting their customers, charging $35 for a tree that barely reached the single girl's chin. Lenny's Pizzeria was also selling trees, but they were all taller than the single girl, and she didn't want to bite off more than she could chew. Or carry.

So the single girl headed out to the dreaded no-man's-land called Home Depot. Her married friends refused to go there anymore, calling it the Auschwitz of Trees. ("Birchenwald!" the single girl thought to herself as she strolled, cracking an inappropriate smile. "Firschwitz!") But they would have a tree for her, she knew, and they wouldn't charge her an arm and a leg. "I'm brave," she said to herself, "I'll be too busy shopping to think bad thoughts."

She was right.

The single girl had no idea what kind of tree to get, so she started shopping by height and price. Anything around or under $30 would be acceptable. Of course, this being Home Depot, nothing was labeled, nobody seemed to work there and the single girl very quickly became overwhelmed and lonely.

Focusing on the task at hand (and not at the tears pooling in the corner of her eyes -- loneliness? or just the biting wind??), she picked a tree, held it at arm's length (which is a very inconvenient length from which to survey a whole tree) and decided hell, it was good enough, and she plunked it perpendicularly across her granny cart, taking out everyone in a five foot radius.

When she got to the teller, to her delight the single girl discovered her tree was a mere $24.95, and that the woman with the chainsaw would chop off the bottom inch for her. Her shorter tree was then placed into friendly netting and the single girl popped it into her granny cart to stroll off into the sunset.

Near the middle of the parking lot, however, the single girl noticed her tree was leaning over like a drunk on a barstool, causing the granny cart to list and veer to the left. She rearranged her Adorable Single Girl's Purse and really put her back into it. This is what single girls have to do, afterall.

By the time the single girl and her drunken tree arrived at home, the single girl was running through a list of all the things she liked about being single. "I don't have to smell anyone else's bad breath. I only have to clean up my own mess. I don't have to do anyone else's laundry. I can come and go as I please, without reporting to anyone on my whereabouts. Nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night." She mumbled these under her breath as she considered calling her single aunt to commiserate. (She decided against this, fearing her aunt would not only not adopt her positive skew but complain so badly it would only depress her further.)

By the time the single girl was lugging both the granny cart and the tree up the stairs, she felt defeated. "Stupid Christmas. I hate being single!" She yanked the tree out of the cart, jabbed it onto the spikes in the holder and trundled the whole thing into the living room, muttering something about wanting to be Jewish.

The next morning, however, the single girl awoke to the smell of pine in her house, snow swirling around in the streets outside her window and an overall Christmassy spirit.

She ventured into the living room. "Good morning, tree!" she said, delightedly. She took a deep, piney-fresh breath and announced to the whole apartment, "I did this all by myself. See this tree? This big, fat, attractive, inexpensive, lovely and festive tree? I got it. I bought it, I carried it, I jabbed it on its spike, and I made it not be tilty. I am the coolest single girl in the whole wide world."

And she was right.

The end.