let this be a warning to you all.

(Author's warning: there are more swears than usual in this post. Please use caution when reading it aloud to your conservative coworkers.)

Last night, I was on my way home from a night with the girls, when I hopped onto an N train which ended up running local. What often happens in this express-going-local situation is that a local N train, when it hits Brooklyn, will inexplicably switch itself back to being an express train, and leave those of us who only needed three more local stops in the cold solitude of the Atlantic/Pacific station.

But not last night! Huzzah! This local train was going local all the way!

I settled back into my seat, ready to just be home and in bed. (It was 12:15, after all)

For the sake of clarity, I've drawn little pictures to show you how I was, and how I wasn't sitting:

How I was:

How I wasn't:

Now that that's clear, watch out, there might be swears.

Before the doors closed and we left the station, a cop came into the doorway near me, and told me to put my feet down. I did, and then he mumbled something about getting off the train. I asked the woman sitting right next to the cop if he had summoned me, and she sort of nodded.

So, bewildered, I got off the train and the cop asked for some ID. I showed and then handed him, my license. I stood in the doorway of the train, because I didn't want this local train to slip away from me -- it would be another 15 minutes before the next one came along.

"Have you ever had a transit summons before?" he asked.

"No."

"Good, good," he said, in a really pretending-to-care-and-yet-being-entirely-condescending tone.

"Can I get back on that train, please?"

"No."

"But it'll be another fifteen minutes before the next one and I want to go home."

"Ma'am, just have a seat on that bench over there."

AND THEN HE PROCEEDED TO WRITE ME A SIXTY DOLLAR TRANSIT TICKET.

Yeah, because I was "obstructing seating." Apparently the twelve other people on my train car all wanted to sit there, but none of them bothered to get up and come anywhere NEAR the seat -- had they done so, I would have moved my feet FROM THE EDGE OF THE SEAT (see above pictures) so they could sit there.

I was so furious I was shaking. Me. Me, of all people. Mrs. Hyper-Conscientious Seat Provider. I hate to ask people to move their bags, so when I see someone coming near me to sit down, (95% of the time) I move my bag before they even ask.

And yet, here I was, in the middle of the night, on an empty fucking train, being written up.

DON'T THEY HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO??!?!?

"The rules have been posted for a long time, now, ma'am."

Thanks, Sherlock.

For your edification, the rules are here, but let me highlight something for you:

• It is a violation to... [p]lace one's foot on the seat of a subway, bus, or platform bench; occupy more than one seat or place bags on an empty seat when doing so would interfere with transit operations or the comfort of other customers.

I was totally interfering with transit operations and the comfort of my fellow passengers. Yeah, you caught me. Good job, guys, you're taking another felon to task!

Seriously, NYPD? I'd say you just increased your level of moron-hood by a factor of at least sixty.

The best part? "You can call this number to contest this, ma'am, and I suggest that you do."
Really? You suggest that, huh? THEN WHY'D YOU WRITE THE FUCKING TICKET IN THE FIRST PLACE??? Oh wait, I know. You have a quota of tickets to write this month and you haven't caught a single actual bad guy yet. Glad I could help with that.

[Note: the number I can call to contest the ticket? Not really useful. All they told me was to come, in person, to their offices at 505 Fulton Street in Brooklyn. Anybody free at 8 am?]