diana? please call your grandmother!

I get home at around 8 o'clock on Sunday night. The light on my answering machine is blinking! Four messages! Oh rapture! There are four people out there, trying to reach out to me, connect with me. Four hot, single men are each asking me out for different nights of the week! Ed McMahon is calling to tell me I've won the Publisher's Clearing House! (Or someone's trying to give me a credit card with a higher limit. Hell, that would be ok, too.)

But no. It's the same tiny voice on my machine. The one I get over and over and over again. "Dee-Ahnna? Dee-Ahnna? Es abulea. Dee-Ahnna? Llameme. Abuela."

Abuela (grandma) sounds like she's about a thousand years old. She's got this tiny, plaintive voice, and I'm guessing little to no hearing at all. I spoke to her last weekend, telling her in my broken-ass Spanish that "no hay una Diana aqui" (there is no Diana here) and that she had "el numero incorrecto." She apologized (in broken-ass English) and I thought that would be the end of it.

But no.

If you call me, my answering machine ACTUALLY SAYS (in broken Spanish) THAT DIANA DOESN'T LIVE HERE. And yet Abuela calls me like I'm a suicide hotline and she's a teenager on accutane.

Why? I have a few theories.

1. "Diana" is code. "Abuela" is really a drug addict looking for her dealer. If hooking her up would keep her from calling me every day, I'd totally find her some heroin. (Luckily she's a hundred years old, and isn't looking for a fix past seven o'clock.)

2. Diana calls Abuela regularly and then sits at home wondering why, why doesn't grandma ever call her back?

3. Abuela is Satan, tempting me daily over to the dark side.

(The third theory falls apart, though, simply because if she were Satan, she wouldn't have a blocked phone number, so I could call her back and she could speak in tongues to me until my brain was so addled I agreed to be Diana and do her bidding.)

So on the off chance that one of you out there is Diana, PLEASE CALL YOUR THOUSAND YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER AND GIVE HER YOUR REAL NUMBER.

If I could call mine, I totally would.