if you want to date me...

Dear Single Boys, Namely Those Who Are Dating Online,

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, and I'm not even going to charge you for it or dress like Dr. Phil when I tell you (although that might be kind of fun). Are you ready? Got your pencil? This is very subtle, complex, and probably hard to understand, so put your thinking caps on:

Sending out form letters to women that you want to meet online REALLY DOESN'T WORK.

Ok, wait, I'll rephrase that. Perhaps it works the first time. But I promise you, if you send That Form Email once, and it works, and you meet or chat on the phone, but then things fizzle out between you two, sending it again is as doomed as the bucktoothed eighth grader at the Sadie Hawkins Dance whose mom is a chaperone. Especially if you tell her that "you have absolutely beautiful eyes."

But why, why would this fail, you ask?

(I'm going to go ahead and assume my subscribers are all bright enough to know the answer, but perhaps you're new here and I don't know you. Hell, you might even be this guy, but I highly doubt it.)

Two reasons. 1) Duh. Because now I know you're a player who can't invest the ten minutes it takes to write me a personalized email, and 2) because sometimes there are two women on the same service who are friends, AND WE DO ACTUALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER. ("Hey, I got an email from him." "Yeah? Me, too. Did it say, 'how are you finding your experience online?'" "YEAH!" Much laughter ensues.)

Now, there's a chance that I've been giving too many guys the benefit of the doubt too long, that all I've gotten is That Form Email (but only once, when it still was fresh and new). I'm not thinking so. There are some bright, witty guys online, and I'm happy to hear from them. Less so from Formy McMailington.

Here endeth the lesson.
You're welcome.

p.s. if you have a Dr. Phil costume, call me!