it's september fifteenth!

So, for most, if not all of you, I would assume that September 15th is a non-red-letter day. Sure, it's Friday, sure it's Estimated Tax Day, sure it's Declaration of Independence Day (according to my fine desk calendar). But what else is it?

It's the day Kate gets back on the horse.

After having been in serious relationships for the last, um, fifteen years, almost non-stop, I decided after my last break up to Intentionally Not Date. To Take A Break From Being With Someone Else. To Be (Gasp) Alone. The plan was to just focus on being single and seeing what my life was like that way. Becuase, seriously, I haven't been on my own since the summer of 2003. And that was only long enough to go on six internet dates, all of which were less than stellar. It almost doesn't count as being alone becuase I wasn't focused on just hanging out with the mistress of cool (that's me), I was looking for what was next.

This time? I set myself a date, fairly arbitrarily. I picked September 15th because it felt long enough away (from the end of July when things ended), but close enough that it was actually achievable, and not some self-imposed long-term punishment. Turned out to be about 7 weeks -- although I didn't really make the plan until a week after things were over, so consciously it was 6 weeks. I allowed myself the space to randomly hook up with someone if I needed to, but I never did.

What have I learned? God, so much.

First off? I really don't like sharing my bed. I much prefer going to sleep alone and waking up alone. That way the day belongs to me, and I can do whatever I want with it. (I know, I know, the next thing I need to learn is that that doesn't have to change when someone's in your bed, but let's do this one step at a time, please.)

I've learned there's a calm and release to being alone. I have always felt that I needed someone to know my intimate details and my day to day life or I didn't matter. But I've realized that I know them, and even if someone else knows them, too, they will never know them as well as I do. So this frees me up from feeling the need to call someone late at night when I'm exhausted and defeated by my life -- or, if I do, I call Christina, because she lives in California and always has more energy at 12:30 than I do. I don't have to check in with anyone, make plans with anyone, cook breakfast for anyone.

Now, that said, I also don't get to make plans, check in or cook. I see the downside as well as the upside. I am much more independent, which, if you know me, you may have assumed I already was. But I wasn't. I feel like by taking even this little amount of time alone, I've wiped the slate clean and can start over.

Here's a little relationship theory ala Kate: I think that when you bounce from one long-term relationship to the next the way I have (and many of the men I've gone out with have), you carry over more than a little of your past relationship with you. For example, when I started going out with Ian, I had just broken up with Colin (and Ian was in the process of a divorce). Let's say (for the sake of argument) that Colin and I had achieved a Level 5 relationship. So when Ian and I started our relationship, the base level was a 5, not a 0. We stayed together and took our relationship to Level 8 (these are not scores from the Russian judge, they're arbitrary numbers that reflect my perception of our levels of intimacy, openness, understanding, compatibility, blah blah blah). Then I met Sean (yes, I've dated someone with every variation of that name), and we started out at an 8, and took it to 8.5 or whatever. And one of the reasons that fell apart so quickly was because we never took the time to go back to zero. I assumed there was more there than there was (I can't speak for Sean, because I know he feels differently); I assumed that because we acted like we were at Level 8, that we were, in fact, there. But we weren't.

So now, I feel officially back to about a 2 or 3. And I don't know if I'll ever get back down to zero. I may be too loving and too generous with the benefit of the doubt to ever get back to zero. And that's fine. All I have to remember is not to jump back to level 8 on my first date. (which can happen any time now...)

To add something interesting to the mix: I'm not really looking for Mr. Right just yet. Were I to meet him tonight, I might actually freak out. I think I have more to learn from being single, still. After all, it's only been seven weeks. I just want to go out, meet some people, have a good time, and maybe make out a little. But that begs the question: should I really start dating if I'm not necessarily ready to meet the right person for me?

On September 15th, I declare the answer is yes.

The management reserves any and all rights to change their declarations at any time