adventures in the east village... sort of

It was a simple plan, and the two, single, hot young ladies were up for its execution.

Thea, the tall, sultry blonde known around the world as The Vixen with a Self-Effacing Facade, plunked down her smallish bag (which, unbeknownst to most patrons at the bar contained four headshots, a pair sneakers, a roll of Ricolas, a bottle of water, several small children and a farm in upstate New York) and waited for her partner in crime to show up. She surveyed the Beauty Bar. A woman was getting a $10 Manicure With a Free Drink. Three obviously Artistic guys were chatting with the DJ. The bartender was eating a Clif bar. Thea considered the manicure, but felt that liquor was a better way to spend her ten dollars.

She ordered a drink, drummed her unlaquered fingernails on the bar and waited.

She would have called Kate (or anyone, for that matter), but she'd left her phone at home that day. And only through a series of convoluted messages left for one another did the two ever connect in the first place.

She sighed. Which set off the oh-so-ladylike death rattle in her lungs, and she coughed up a loogie so disgusting it would make any thirteen-year-old step-brother proud.

It was hard to execute the plan this way.

Just then, Kate crashed through the front door, sandals clacking, skirt aswish, backpack taking out anyone within a four foot radius.

"I just got totally screwed by the L train," she began by way of apology.

"I just coughed up a lung," Thea responded, and the girls knew they were ready for phase two of the plan.

Drinks in hand, they surveyed the bar. Nothing had changed since Thea first looked at it. The Artistic types were still there, still kind of greasy, cute in their I'm-so-poor-you'll-have-to-buy-the-next-round-if-you-want-me-to-keep-talking-to-you way. Knowing Thea had a weakness for anyone who couldn't pay the rent, Kate knew they had to move on.

"Drink up, sexy. We're off to meet some guys!"

The two girls paid up (well, Thea did, actually, since she was rolling in cash that night) and out they went into the evening. Long legs strutting, smiles wide across their faces, they were two ideals to behold -- Thea, her long, blonde goddess-hair flowing out behind her like a brook, in an emerald green top that brought out her eyes, hip-hugging jeans and a low-cut shirt that showed just enough of the merchandise to entice the buyer to keep looking. And Kate, long bare legs stretching up to her cute white skirt, black cowl neck sweater and eyeglasses. The Librarian and the Amazon, side by side.

Strolling down the street, the two encountered a variety of gentlemen, one so chivalrous that instead of stepping aside and letting the two women through first, he plowed down a construction-constricted sidewalk, arms akimbo, taking up whatever room there was.

Thea very generously allowed him to be Kate's boyfriend.

Next they met with a young, drunken, college-in-New-Jersy type. "Excuse me, miss," he said to Thea, "but I need a woman like you in my life." Kate burst out laughing, the guy joined in, and so did Thea. And as the sweet youth staggered away, "don't need me enough to stick around, do you?" could be heard muttered under a goddess' breath.

Phase Two: Go Where the Guys Are.

As bar after bar they passed was empty or quiet or full of old men, the two were at a loss for an acceptable destination, and entered the ACE bar on East 5th Street. Their plan, which had been moving in a lateral direction for the last ten minutes took a sharp turn right and headed for the border. The bar, while packed, was jammed up with twelve year olds. NYU was back in session. Teenagers were hogging up the skee-ball, taking pictures with the holographic werewolf, and generally mucking up the evening for the two twentysomethings.

"NEXT!" they shouted in unison, and traipsed off into the night.

But there was no next. Every bar they passed was either full of children or devoid of human activity. Couples were everywhere, like wet gremlins after midnight. But single guys? None.
The analgesic effect of their first drinks were beginning to wear off, and Thea began to cough more, while Kate began to limp in her clacking sandals. "Are we too old for this?" asked Thea.
"No! God, no! It's just Thursday night before Labor Day. Everyone's out of town. I mean, come on, wouldn't you be out of town right now if you could be?"

As the two parted ways at the Second Avenue F stop, Kate secretly worried all the way downstairs. Was she too old for the east village? Was there something wrong with the two of them, that they couldn't find somewhere to go? Did they need to be with someone more assertive than both of them combined? Would they ever be noticed? Or would the rest of their Girls' Nights Out be plagued with a dearth of guys capable of fulfilling the plan? And would the F train come before her feet fell off?