on snow

OH MY GOD! THERE'S A BLIZZARD! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

So far, the only remotely dramatic thing to happen because of the snow is that I actually got a seat on the express train. When I got to the office, all twelve of us (out of 250) looked a little soggy, but cute, in our bundledupedness.

In honor of the PENDING HORROR THAT CAN ONLY BE AROUND THE CORNER, I offer you my thoughts on snow.

Stay warm!

language goodies

Fernando and I were discussing "the bees knees*" the other day, and discovered that there is a lack of consensus about why that phrase even exists. One argument is that bees carry pollen in sacks in their legs (the next thing to be outlawed by the TSA, no doubt) and so if something's really sweet, it's the bee's knees. My favorite, though, is the argument that a bee's knees must be so small, and in a world where small = good, the bee's knees are the bees knees!

However, I was discussing this online with a potential internet date, and he argued that a flea is just as small as a bee, and that he was going to start saying "the flea's knees" just to see if people noticed. He then went on to point out that a flea doesn't quite have the coolness factor of a bee, what with the honey-bees-defy-physics-by-flying thing. I cyber-swooned. (Anyone want to take bets on whether I meet this guy or not?)

*is it one bee, with multiple knees? Many bees and many knees? Tricky, this language of ours.

Later, we were discussing tertiary and quaternary, and wondered if there was anything higher than that. Turns out, there is! After quaternary, there's quinary, senary, septenary, octonary, nonary, denary. There's also duodenary (12th) and vigenary (20th), but, if you ask me, those sound like things a maiden aunt would bring up at the Thanksgiving table, much to the chagrin of the rest of the family.

And here's something else you probably haven't stopped to actually think about: lay and lie. Lots of people get them confused, but there's a really good reason why. The past tense of lay is laid. The past tense of lie? LAY. (Thanks, English.) Laying is something that gets done to an object (like laying a book on the desk, or laying a blanket on the bed) and lying is something one does to oneself (she lies down on the couch, or, if she did it earlier this evening, she LAY on the couch. Then, there's the other lie, like the way she lied to herself about how much of that chocolate she ate).

But wait! There's more!

The best new word I've learned this year turned up when I was discussing some friends the severe manscaping one of my friend's date had shown. (He was totally nut-bald!) The polar opposite of that, though, is when a woman's nether regions get quite unruly; then she's sporting a vajungle.

Class dismissed!

oh mr. moon, moon, mr. silvery moon...

There's a reason I have a category of blog posts called "Important Stuff You Need to Know." And that reason is called "irony."

This post fits solidly into that category for oh so many reasons.

1. Full Moons

Did you know that each month's full moon has a name? And some of them are just genius. Like March's moon, "Full Worm Moon" or December's moon, "Full Cold Moon." ("Full Steamy Moon" was taken.)

And the winners in the Moon Porn Name Category? "Full Pink Moon" (April), "Full Flower Moon" (May) and "Full Beaver Moon" (November).

2. Speaking of Moons...

Have you seen the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt at Amazon? Check out the reviews -- apparently this is one hot seller!

3. Other moons:

a) Honeymoon: In Western culture, the custom of a newlywed couple going on a holiday together originated in early 19th century Great Britain, a concept borrowed from the Indian elite, in the Indian Subcontinent. Upper-class couples would take a "bridal tour", sometimes accompanied by friends or family, to visit relatives that had not been able to attend the wedding. The practice soon spread to the European continent and was known as voyage à la façon anglaise (English-style voyage) in France from the 1820s on. (Thanks, wikipedia!)

b) –verb (used without object)

1.	to act or wander abstractedly or listlessly: You've been mooning about all day.

2.	to sentimentalize or remember nostalgically: He spent the day mooning about his lost love.

3.	to gaze dreamily or sentimentally at something or someone:They sat there mooning into each other's eyes.

4.	Slang. to expose one's buttocks suddenly and publicly as a prank or gesture of disrespect.

c) Mooncup. (What disturbs me most is that there is a link on this page for "Trade Login." Please, please, please tell me that if one is using such a thing, one is NOT trading it.)

what I do for a living

Have you ever wondered what, exactly, I do for a living? (Don't worry, I have, too.)

Among the myriad other things of great importance that I do, I send out emails like this:

Do thoughts of Excel make you feel like this?

Would you rather they make you feel like this?

If so, then look for this:

The Excel Gym: Coming Soon!

(Unlike a co-worker of mine*, I get to slowly, quietly push the envelope of what is acceptable at a law firm.)

*said co-worker came to the office dressed, um, like a professional, just not of the legal variety. Wheee!

from the department of things that don't belong where I found them...

This:

was wrapped around the beater of my vacuum cleaner.

This:

was nestled secretly in my frozen spinach.

And this:

was in my fannypants.

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

1. Online dating handles that do not appeal to me:

(These are, in fact, the actual handles of users who can be found on okcupid. Feel free to look them up. Perhaps they appeal to you...)

beardinyourbush

iamtoowildforu

thatfukinguy

nudeslutm

warlockflash

mstluvoral

rolly_tacco

2. Amusing things that were said at my birthday party:

"'The Most Wonderful Thing I Did with my Futon' would make a great name for a musical."

"I didn't mean to hit your boobs. They just stick out."

"If I give them cake, do you think they'll stop making out?"

3. Have you ever noticed that when you're really exhausted, it seems like there's never enough time in the world to get done the six million things you need or want to get done? But when you get some sleep, and are on your game, not having finished this week's New Yorker doesn't seem like such a crime?

4. Rapping vs. Crapping

A coworker of mine recently complained that it was quiet in her office and that her officemate was "practicing his rhymes." In response, I sent her this message:

Why are there no new matters?

'Cuz they're all as mad as hatters

And they climb up crazy ladders

Where their minds just shatter.

a-bump-cha-a-bump-bump-cha!

Fernando then sent this:

So today was slow

The firm didn’t grow

What could be worse??

Listen to me flow….

My coworker then responded with:

I sit in chair

At Elite, I do stare

Why don't no one care??

Cuz the D-man doth Scare

boom-chi boom- chi boom

I wasn't ready for the day to end yet, so I sent back:

Nando and me

We're as sad as can be

Cuz you're snarkin your tea

And stuck there with D

But Nando's so funny

I'd pay him some money

He ain't my big honey

But I won't trade him, sonny!

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chOW!

Fernando was finally the voice of reason, pointing out that our rhymes weren't bad, but our beat boxes sucked.

s-s-s-s-s-s-s-su-su-ucked!

5. Friends don't let friends drink and cook.

Tonight I was making dinner tipsy. Which means that I almost strained my noodles by pouring them into the sink.

Wheeeeeee!

don't get suckered!

Rarely (if ever) do I offer you wisdom that will save you money. But it's a new year, and today, all of that's about to change.

Three Things To Avoid Wasting Your Money On, by Katherine Surgeon.

1. Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum

Nando and I got free passes to Madame Tussaud's that expired at the end of December. So we had to visit during high tourist season, and, if you can score these passes, DO. Otherwise, skip the museum all together. Forever. Avoid the block. Hell, don't go to Times Square.

With the free passes we had, we got to bypass the line that snakes through the lobby like an airport security line. Flash your passes (ha! I typoed that as "flash your asses" -- which would also probably work) and you skip right to the head of the line. Nando and I ended up behind a clusterfucky group of six hundred (ok, ok, five) and heard the exorbitant price -- $38 per ticket! That's nearly two twenties to walk around in a crowd of tourists taking pictures with statues of people that don't look like the people they purport to be. Nothing says "waste of money" like futile, crowded, annoyingness.

Nando and I had fun, though, because it was free. While we were waiting for the elevators (at the beginning of the exhibit and at the end), we contemplated a suicide bombing, just because it was annoying to be stuck like a herd of cattle with no one telling us why we were waiting. In the end, we decided against it because we had tickets to yet another waste of money:

2. Cirque de Soleil's Wintuk

We were very excited by the IDEA of Wintuk. We spent all week pronouncing things with fake German accents ("Vintoook!" "Vonderful!")* and thinking magical, wintery thoughts. We got to MSG and into our seats, and the set was beautiful! So exciting! Such Vintery Gutness!

Then the show started and it was poop. Cirque de Soleil makes their money by spectacle, and there was definitely spectacle in this show, but it was UGLY. The costumes looked like what you'd get if you melted a box of crayons over a gang of skateboarders. All the performers looked like children, and they're all in sixty five layers of clothing. Part of what I love about circus performers is seeing how hard their bodies are working when their faces are so serene and fun-filled. When they're in big, ugly, puffy jackets (or, in some cases, a garbage can), that ruins it for me.

There's supposed to be a plot to Wintuk, but it essentially just keeps coming back to an annoying little boy saying "When is it going to snow??" There are six dogs in the show -- people in dog costumes -- and they have a theme song. The lyrics? "Dog. Dog dog dog. Dog. (whispered) dog!"

At intermission, I looked at Nando, he looked at me, and we both agreed that we had gotten our $40 worth. In fact, more than that. We had gotten as much Vintook as we could handle.

And we left.

3. Emergen-C's Pink Lemonade Flavor

After New Year's and the concomitant freezingness that is winter, I'm succumbing to a touch of the plague. So I bought a box of Emergen-C Pink Lemonade, and I have to say, it tastes nothing like lemonade (pink or otherwise). If I had to guess the flavor, I'd say Strawberry Banana, because it has that cloying sweetness and yechiness I associate with fake strawberry banana. And the best part? On the back of the box it says "The color pink carries many connotations. Power, strength, and energy aren't usually among them."

Go with tangerine. At least then you won't be subjected to colorism!

* I'm not entirely sure why we pronounced things with fake German accents, as Cirque de Soleil is a Fronch getup. But if Nando and I did things that were rational, you probably wouldn't read this blog.