1. Water is your friend. Unless you are bellydancing.
2. It looks a LOT easier than it actually is.
3. There are several hundred different ways to shake your hips. Most of them are wrong.
4. One can have excellent rhythm in her feet, legs and arms, with hips, shoulders and a butt that have a different soundtrack all together.
5. It's incredibly easy to look like a jackass in a room full of strangers. (It would be a lot harder if I actually knew anyone in there.)
6. Did I mention the water thing?
7. Sultry French-looking girls are good at shaking their hips but not good at following directions.
8. A woman can be outrageously strong and fit, and still have a belly that flops over her pants.
9. "Banana feet" is an acceptable dance term.
10. I am a lot sexier than a lot of people.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
a stitch in time saves nine monkeys in a barrel
The weather has addled my ever-so-gentle brain. That's why the following things have nothing in common, except that they are all in my ever-so-gently-addled brain. (and now on my ever-so-addled blog)
1. Paula Dean said on my favorite NPR show, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me that she had a recipe so good it would "knock your sock clean off and into the washer." (If it could do something to my dishes, those are brownies I'd make every day!)
2. Two kids playing at the park today:
younger brother: it was my idea
olders sister: no, it wasn't.
younger brother: yes it was. It was my idea to make the doodoo.
me: um, what?
Also, later:
older sister: this is a damn dirty damn!
younger brother: DAMN!
me: um, what?
3. If you're not familiar with the concept of Rickrolling, go here and learn about it.
If you are, stay here and enjoy this:
4. My aunt sent me this link a hundred years ago, and I think it's a really fun quiz. (I didn't do very well on it, though, what with the never really eating full candy bars. I believe more in the mini versions of them, and I rarely bite those in half to display these kinds of views)
5. I like a good first date, don't you? (she asked, smiling.)
6. I hiked a mountain yesterday and was half in New York and half in New Jersey. Oddly enough, I had gas in both states, but felt cheap in New Jersey.
1. Paula Dean said on my favorite NPR show, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me that she had a recipe so good it would "knock your sock clean off and into the washer." (If it could do something to my dishes, those are brownies I'd make every day!)
2. Two kids playing at the park today:
younger brother: it was my idea
olders sister: no, it wasn't.
younger brother: yes it was. It was my idea to make the doodoo.
me: um, what?
Also, later:
older sister: this is a damn dirty damn!
younger brother: DAMN!
me: um, what?
3. If you're not familiar with the concept of Rickrolling, go here and learn about it.
If you are, stay here and enjoy this:
4. My aunt sent me this link a hundred years ago, and I think it's a really fun quiz. (I didn't do very well on it, though, what with the never really eating full candy bars. I believe more in the mini versions of them, and I rarely bite those in half to display these kinds of views)
5. I like a good first date, don't you? (she asked, smiling.)
6. I hiked a mountain yesterday and was half in New York and half in New Jersey. Oddly enough, I had gas in both states, but felt cheap in New Jersey.
7. My mom passed this along to me today: "we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."
8. One of the major drawbacks of cooking with a recipe is when the cookies come out sucking. Because by following a recipe, you never have the fun of experimenting and wondering if Ingredient X will be a good or bad addition.
9. I'm volunteering with Recording for the Blind & Dyslexic this week in their annual Record-A-Thon. If you're feeling generous and would like to sponsor me or give a donation, let me know, or go here and do it on the sly.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
more fun than a gift horse's mouth!
On the street today, I passed a van for a car stereo installation company. You'd expect their windows to be down and music to be flowing out. You wouldn't, however, expect that music to be Milli Vanilli.
Also on the street today, I passed a guy who said "baby come back." I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking to me (or really, to anyone at all), but I was nonetheless tempted to tell him that he could blame it all on me.
My mother tormented me recently by forcing me to watch the craptastic film Nights in Rodanthe. (I'll spare you the merde: she sucks, he sucks, he meets her, he fucks her (during a rain-free hurricane, no less), he stops sucking, she stops sucking, he dies, you die, the end.) We hated it almost as much as we hated the book Tuesdays with Morrie (which we affectionately call "Wednesdays with Dipshit").
Mom promised me recently that if they ever filmed it, she would never make me watch Tuesday Nights in Rodanthe. I promised her I would never kill myself on her sofa right in front of her.
There's a new IT error I learned about recently. It's the ID-10-T error. (If you look at it long enough, you'll see how it resembles a PEBKAC.)
Have you ever noticed how really tall guys (or rather, guys with really tall feet) have to go down a staircase sideways? That cracks me up!
One of the major drawbacks to singlehood was pointed out to me recently by a friend of mine -- Too Many Leftovers When You Make a Tuna Noodle Casserole. Because, as we all know, it is possible to have too many tuna-y noodles.
And now, children, class is dismissed.
Also on the street today, I passed a guy who said "baby come back." I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking to me (or really, to anyone at all), but I was nonetheless tempted to tell him that he could blame it all on me.
My mother tormented me recently by forcing me to watch the craptastic film Nights in Rodanthe. (I'll spare you the merde: she sucks, he sucks, he meets her, he fucks her (during a rain-free hurricane, no less), he stops sucking, she stops sucking, he dies, you die, the end.) We hated it almost as much as we hated the book Tuesdays with Morrie (which we affectionately call "Wednesdays with Dipshit").
Mom promised me recently that if they ever filmed it, she would never make me watch Tuesday Nights in Rodanthe. I promised her I would never kill myself on her sofa right in front of her.
There's a new IT error I learned about recently. It's the ID-10-T error. (If you look at it long enough, you'll see how it resembles a PEBKAC.)
Have you ever noticed how really tall guys (or rather, guys with really tall feet) have to go down a staircase sideways? That cracks me up!
One of the major drawbacks to singlehood was pointed out to me recently by a friend of mine -- Too Many Leftovers When You Make a Tuna Noodle Casserole. Because, as we all know, it is possible to have too many tuna-y noodles.
And now, children, class is dismissed.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
in honor of easter
While I wait for my mother to upload or send me pictures of our masterfully decorated eggs*, I'll share these with you instead.
First, instead of buying celery root for one of her dishes, my mother accidentally purchased horseradish root. While this is not her picture, it adequately represents the shlongish features of said root. Since it was purchased in error, one root inevitably found its way into my mother's purse and the other into the front seat of my sister's car.
Oops.
I just love Peeps. Can't get enough of them. And apparently, neither can the ABA Law Journal, as they're displaying a variety of Peepy Pics on their website. This one? The Supeep Court!
*Talk about being upstaged! My sister decoupaged her eggs. I'm not kidding. She spent the morning cutting out pictures from magazines, wrapping paper and original Chagalls (several of which hang in my parents' mansion**) and the afternoon gluing them to eggs. And man were they good looking eggs!
First, instead of buying celery root for one of her dishes, my mother accidentally purchased horseradish root. While this is not her picture, it adequately represents the shlongish features of said root. Since it was purchased in error, one root inevitably found its way into my mother's purse and the other into the front seat of my sister's car.
Oops.
I just love Peeps. Can't get enough of them. And apparently, neither can the ABA Law Journal, as they're displaying a variety of Peepy Pics on their website. This one? The Supeep Court!
And in other non-Easter related news, Fernando came across a headline the other day that said "Twister Kills Three" and thought that it said "Twitter Kills Three." (I, of course, instead, imagined a horribly deadly game of Twister. "Right foot green!" "NOOOOOOOO!")
And that is all.
*Talk about being upstaged! My sister decoupaged her eggs. I'm not kidding. She spent the morning cutting out pictures from magazines, wrapping paper and original Chagalls (several of which hang in my parents' mansion**) and the afternoon gluing them to eggs. And man were they good looking eggs!
**blatant fabrication.
Friday, April 10, 2009
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
This year, I had the joy of attending another Seder with my favorite adoptive Jewish family. It was my first vegetarian Seder, and somehow, even without the turkey, pot roast, stuffing and chicken broth (you better believe I ate the Matzo ball!), I still managed to stretch myself beyond capacity.
To that end:
If they invited me but didn't give me wine
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they gave me wine but it wasn't four glasses full
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they gave me four glasses but they weren't from a local Brooklyn winery
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they gave me local awesome wine but not gefilte fish
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me gefilte fish but not the fancy Israeli matzo
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the fancy Israeli matzo but not the matzo ball soup
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me matzo ball soup but not the Sannie Salad™
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the Sannie Salad™ but not the potato pie
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the potato pie but not the brussels sprouts
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the brussels sprouts but not the macaroons
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the macaroons but not the chocolate covered matzos
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the chocolate covered matzos and not Ladybird cupcakes
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me Ladybird cupcakes but didn't make me laugh
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they made me laugh but the baby didn't fling hard boiled egg at me
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If the baby flung hard boiled egg at me and they didn't make me feel loved
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
But boy did I feel loved.
And covered in egg.
And full.
And it was enough.
To that end:
If they invited me but didn't give me wine
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they gave me wine but it wasn't four glasses full
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they gave me four glasses but they weren't from a local Brooklyn winery
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they gave me local awesome wine but not gefilte fish
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me gefilte fish but not the fancy Israeli matzo
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the fancy Israeli matzo but not the matzo ball soup
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me matzo ball soup but not the Sannie Salad™
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the Sannie Salad™ but not the potato pie
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the potato pie but not the brussels sprouts
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the brussels sprouts but not the macaroons
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the macaroons but not the chocolate covered matzos
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me the chocolate covered matzos and not Ladybird cupcakes
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they fed me Ladybird cupcakes but didn't make me laugh
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If they made me laugh but the baby didn't fling hard boiled egg at me
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
If the baby flung hard boiled egg at me and they didn't make me feel loved
it would have been enough, DAYENU!
But boy did I feel loved.
And covered in egg.
And full.
And it was enough.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
a good, old-fashioned rant
Things that really piss me off:
1. People who rush to be the first ones out of the subway car and in the stairwell, only to climb the stairs more slowly than a granny on smack. Why, WHY must you torment me so early in the morning?
2. My haircut. It used to be cute, but now it’s all scraggly, and I just want it to be long again, so cutting it seems to go against everything I want.
3. Dumb people, in general. Dumb coworkers, in particular.
4. My neighbors. Not all of them, just the ones who refuse to lock the front door.
5. Having to show the lady at the library the contents of my bag. I don’t know why this one pisses me off so much. Probably because I have a zipper bag and it’s just awkward having to finagle it all right after going through a revolving door.
6. Canker sores, especially the ones placed in spots difficult to douse with Listerine.
7. Increases in health insurance premiums to the tune of $1,200 a year.
8. The phrase “good start."
9. Poison gum. (‘nuff said.)
10. Fundamentalist Mormons. (read Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer. Yeesh!)
And p.s. Did you see that Sarah Palin's half-sister-in-law was arrested for burgulary? Awesome.
1. People who rush to be the first ones out of the subway car and in the stairwell, only to climb the stairs more slowly than a granny on smack. Why, WHY must you torment me so early in the morning?
2. My haircut. It used to be cute, but now it’s all scraggly, and I just want it to be long again, so cutting it seems to go against everything I want.
3. Dumb people, in general. Dumb coworkers, in particular.
4. My neighbors. Not all of them, just the ones who refuse to lock the front door.
5. Having to show the lady at the library the contents of my bag. I don’t know why this one pisses me off so much. Probably because I have a zipper bag and it’s just awkward having to finagle it all right after going through a revolving door.
6. Canker sores, especially the ones placed in spots difficult to douse with Listerine.
7. Increases in health insurance premiums to the tune of $1,200 a year.
8. The phrase “good start."
9. Poison gum. (‘nuff said.)
10. Fundamentalist Mormons. (read Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer. Yeesh!)
And p.s. Did you see that Sarah Palin's half-sister-in-law was arrested for burgulary? Awesome.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Fernando is trying to kill me
It's true. He's out to get me. (I don't know why, I'm nothing but charming, loving and adorable.)
Proof positive:
1. He gave me more death gum.
Last time he gave me death gum, I wrote it off. I mean, the guy has no taste buds. He won't eat chocolate, but he'll enjoy a stick of perfumed ass? This time, however, I'm convinced he's trying to poison me. Yesterday's flavor was a cross between toilet bowl cleaner, fruity fruit and a pine tree. Apparently there were some other lovely flavors that blossomed while munching on the gum. (I only know this from watching others chomp on this foul concoction. I spit the shit out before it killed me.)
2. He sits in his chair and does the peepee dance.
We sit facing each other all day, and the guy drinks more water than a great whale. But for some reason, he likes to push it with his bladder. He makes rules about how much water he must drink before allowing himself to pee, and meanwhile, I sit across from him and develop agita, just waiting for him to pee in his pants.
3. He scoffs at my chocolate baked goods.
In the last year and a half, I have baked a lot of goods. And since Fernando won't eat chocolate, I have bent myself into a pretzel to bake non-chocolate options. Peach cakes, peanut butter cookies, white chocolate tarts (he'll eat those, since white chocolate really isn't chocolate afterall, duh)... I've spanned the gamut. And yesterday I brought in chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and what did I get?
"YECHHHHH! And good morning, Kate!"
4. He still has the good desk.
After all this time together, he still has the good desk, and I still have the crappy one. No amount of whining, cajoling, non-chocolate-baking or other chicanery I have used have led him to relinquish his hold over the desk that faces the door, and to move into my crap-ass desk that backs up to the door, allowing everyone I work with to know I'm writing this. (Luckily, it's 6:03 and nobody should care.)
5. He's gotten me addicted to green tea mints.
And these puppies are expensive. We had to order them in bulk from Amazon, just so we could afford them. I'm worried now that he might actually kill me, just to inherit my share of the mints.
Proof positive:
1. He gave me more death gum.
Last time he gave me death gum, I wrote it off. I mean, the guy has no taste buds. He won't eat chocolate, but he'll enjoy a stick of perfumed ass? This time, however, I'm convinced he's trying to poison me. Yesterday's flavor was a cross between toilet bowl cleaner, fruity fruit and a pine tree. Apparently there were some other lovely flavors that blossomed while munching on the gum. (I only know this from watching others chomp on this foul concoction. I spit the shit out before it killed me.)
2. He sits in his chair and does the peepee dance.
We sit facing each other all day, and the guy drinks more water than a great whale. But for some reason, he likes to push it with his bladder. He makes rules about how much water he must drink before allowing himself to pee, and meanwhile, I sit across from him and develop agita, just waiting for him to pee in his pants.
3. He scoffs at my chocolate baked goods.
In the last year and a half, I have baked a lot of goods. And since Fernando won't eat chocolate, I have bent myself into a pretzel to bake non-chocolate options. Peach cakes, peanut butter cookies, white chocolate tarts (he'll eat those, since white chocolate really isn't chocolate afterall, duh)... I've spanned the gamut. And yesterday I brought in chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and what did I get?
"YECHHHHH! And good morning, Kate!"
4. He still has the good desk.
After all this time together, he still has the good desk, and I still have the crappy one. No amount of whining, cajoling, non-chocolate-baking or other chicanery I have used have led him to relinquish his hold over the desk that faces the door, and to move into my crap-ass desk that backs up to the door, allowing everyone I work with to know I'm writing this. (Luckily, it's 6:03 and nobody should care.)
5. He's gotten me addicted to green tea mints.
And these puppies are expensive. We had to order them in bulk from Amazon, just so we could afford them. I'm worried now that he might actually kill me, just to inherit my share of the mints.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
