my heart belongs to daddy

I had brunch with a friend this weekend and, as has been happening quite a bit lately, talk of my Future Life Plans came up, and I got all stressed out. I snapped at my friend's wise advice, bit my lip to fight back the tears, childishly pushed the remains of an overdressed salad around my plate and generally slumped into a pathetic little foot-stomping misery. (Oddly, this somehow convinced my friend to buy brunch for me.)

This time, though, it wasn't simply because I didn't know what to do with my life.

It was because I had somehow decided that no matter what I did, unless it was corporate, my father wouldn't approve of it.

Now, I know, I know, it shouldn't matter what my father thinks, and I was probably making it up anyway, blah blah blah. (Trust me, my better self made these same arguments for HOURS on Sunday.) This isn't a discourse on whether I should seek approval or not. It's simply my story.

I got home and called my mother, mostly to get confirmation of my fear and to crap-talk my father. (I only realized later that this was actually what I wanted. At the time, I thought talking to mom would just make me feel better. After looking at my motivation, though, I realized I didn't want to feel better, I wanted to be right about my dad and my fears. But I digress...)

Mom answered the phone, and then proceeded to put me on speakerphone with Dad. Not. What. I Wanted. We chitchatted for a while, and then, when the tears came back, I asked mom to pick up the receiver.

"If I don't end up with a corporate job, Dad won't approve of what I do."

(Insert massive crying jag, with lots of sniffles and a side of gut-wrenching.)

"I disagree with you," said Mom, "And I think we should talk about this. Ok?"

"(snurffle) Ok."

She put the phone back on speakerphone, and Dad joined in, and I sputtered out a repeat of my fear.

"Kate, that's not true. I just want you to be happy. If I seem to land on the corporate side of things, that's just because it's what I know. And if I'm not sympathetic to your struggle to figure out what you want, it's just because I've never really had to do it. I've always wanted to work corporate, and I've always worked corporate. It's never been as hard for me as it is for you.

"You're not a line on my resume. You're my daughter. I don't compare myself to other people in terms of you girls. I just want you to be happy."

(snuffle, glurp, pha-blooey)

I'm so grateful for my parents. For their support and love. And mostly (today) for my mother's maturity in encouraging me to confront my fears head on, instead of taking the low road and being the little shit she jokes about me being.

While I work on releasing the need for my father's approval, it's nice to know I have it anyway.