I've done a lot of thinking, dreaming, digging, and general figuring-out about what I'd like to have in a partner. I've read more books than should be legal, I've gone to seminars where the instructors have encouraged us to find out "who's diggin' on [our] bottoms," (I wish I were kidding) and I've spent hours constructively daydreaming of Prince Charming.
One of the useful things I've done, though, was to write down 50 characteristics the perfect man for me would have. Now, that's actually harder than it sounds. I had to get pretty shallow to come up with 50. My list included things like "smooth (aka not hairy) shoulders" and "handy." But the next step was to narrow that list down to twenty. And from there, to five and from five to three.
The three qualities I kept coming back to are these:
smart
funny and
self-aware
(Define those as you like. I have my own definitions, which I'll reserve for another post, if I ever get around to it.)
So recently, I found out that an ex of mine wants to get back together with me. And he's definitely smart, funny and self-aware. But I just don't want to get back together, even though I know he's one of the best guys around. It's not that too much water has gone under the bridge, or that I'm afraid I'll get hurt again or any of that. It's the simple fact that I'm not attracted to him. Eight years ago, when we went out (yikes!) I was 23, and I had a very different approach to men, relationships, and sex. And I think that's where my attraction for him sprang from. And (thankfully) that 23 year old mindset is gone now. And I DEFINITELY don't want it back.
But what does that say about my top three qualities? That those MUST be there, but there is more that I need? That maybe I can't just boil it down to three must-have qualities? That I need to read another book and go to another lecture? (Please God, No.)
The biggest bummer of all is that I haven't told him yet that I really don't want to get back together. He's such a wonderful guy (ladies? anyone in DC?), I care about him a great deal, and I hate to hurt him this way. But I can't hurt myself just to avoid hurting him. Because there is little that is less fun that smooching someone you like, but not in that way.
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2 comments:
I should think it says, about your top 3 qualities, that they are not. There's at least one more that trumps them.
Maybe it's simply "can't be someone I'm done with" or "can;t be this one particular guy," but it seems more likely that there's a particular thing he does - or doesn't do enough - that shreds the deal for you. Can you figure out what it is?
Humans are difficult.
Sometimes, we all miss that-which-is-not-there-anymore so badly that we fantasize about it being there again. The opportunity for the return of it seldom occurs. When it does, we momentarily lose our breath. Then, we examine reality, and we refuse it.
The reason is rarely ever clear. The reason is rarely the same from one instance to the next. The reason may not even be a reason.
We spend so much time wishing for the return of the thing we do not have or did not choose. The memory of the thing overwhelms.
We all do it.
That which cannot be returned in reality can be returned in our imagination. Live there. I do.
-- Badenov
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