things I don’t understand (and things I don’t stand under)

Things I don't understand:

A. How exactly does an online dating site calculate the doneness of my profile? One site I'm on claims I am merely "58% complete." Even on my days when I leave my head on the kitchen table I feel more done than that. I've answered all their questions (or enough of them to leave the menfolk feeling good and satisfied), got plenty of cute (and/or sassy) photos, and I've even got a headline. Do I have to do the hula and skywrite my handle?

B. Why is it that when a guy writes to me the first time (on that same dating site), next to his email he gets anywhere between four and five stars, but when he responds to something I've written, invariably, he gets one star? Do they think I have shitty taste in penpals? Are they reading the emails and passing judgment? (Because if they are, I'll tell you, they're missing some off-the-bat one-star-worthy notes!)

C. What makes me so tempting to bugs? Am I made out of the insect equivalent of cake?

D. Why does nobody want to take the classes that I teach at work? Don't they know that's the only part of my job I really like?

E. Why, on god's green earth, have I taken EVERYTHING personally this week? (Don't answer that. It'll probably hurt my feelings.)

Things I don't stand under:

A. Peeing horses

B. New Zealand rugby players doing their hakas

C. Ladders with whistling sailors holding black cats with 666 shaved into their fur while playing Black Sabbath backwards.

D. Tap dancing elephants

E. My desk. (I sit under it.)