the secret contents of my notecard

I've had a piece of scrap paper wandering around with me for almost a week, and now that the wedding's over, I finally have time to share with you the INTENSELY IMPORTANT contents of said notecard.

1. I started my day off particularly well this morning by dropping my coffee cup into the toilet. (It involved a complicated move much like the one I employed when checking the size of my underwear.)Luckily both were empty at the time.

2. Nalgene bottles apparently leach toxic chemicals back into the water that you're storing in the Nalgene bottle because they told you that storing water in regular bottles was bad because of toxic chemicals that those bottles leach back into the water.(They're reformulating the original Nalgene bottle to be more betterer.) Luckily, I have so many chemicals in my water, it almost doesn't matter if I get more from my bottle.

3. According to an article in the NY Times, there have been a rash of fryer grease thefts from fast food restaurants in the west. I'd like to personally invite those theives to come to my house and bring a brush. In harvesting the grease from my hair, they could change their theivin' ways (and make me happy, to boot)!

4. Birds fart.
(Well, the semantics of that point are debatable, depending on your definition of "fart." Birds emit gas, but their intestines are small and they don't store up gas and then rip their ass cheeks off with a good stinker. (Most likely because they don't have ass cheeks. If they had 'em, they would.))

(It was slow in the office the other day.)

5. Fernando's been eating candy we call the "Norwegian Children," as my boss brought him gummy people from Norway. Today he actually said out loud, "I think I like the taste of the green children best." (Which was lucky, because the other color children are red and yellow.)

6. Yahoo! today told us about the undiscovered peoples of the Amazon rainforest. We thought it would be funny if someone went in there to discover them and they were already all tech-savvy, but still naked and primitive-looking. "Yeah man, we've had the internet for years. You can reach us at undiscovered_peoples@yahoo.com."

7. Did you know the Tasmanian Devil is running the risk of extinction? I didn't! (The little guy is cute, too.)8. Medium artichokes have 60 calories and about 7 grams of fiber. They have lots of choline. (Thank god!) They also make me fart. (Because I'm a bird.)