intrigue! excitement! lies in your headlines!

Section One:
Things heard recently in my neighborhood

"I'm from Brooklyn. Not one of those backwards states like Kentucky or Minnesota or Connecticut."

"Is it possible to cultivate wild rice?"

"If I get into the stroller with you, who's going to push?"

Section Two:
Call and response

Let's pretend you and I are on a pre-first-date phone call, just like the one I had earlier this week. And when I say the following statements, you respond back with the genius lines provided for you. (Please sound dorky and unpleasant.)

Me: I'm taking a philosophy class and am finding it really cool how it's applying to so many different areas of my life.
You: Well, if something's broad enough, it could apply to anything.

Me: I don't know how you feel about the whole idea of "soulmates," but just go with me on this one -- what if your soulmate looks nothing like you expect her to?
You: I don't believe in soulmates. I flat out reject the idea.

And now switch! You call out and I'll respond.

You: I have this problem with women. They only want me for my body. I find that on this site that's not as much of a problem.
Me: ???

You: That was a joke.
Me: ???

You: So, I think it's a good idea to meet before too much time goes by. Maybe we could get coffee this weekend?
Me: NOT A CHANCE IN FLAMING HELL!

I mean,
Me: You know, Frank, I'm going to save us both some time and energy and tell you that I don't think this is a good match.

Section Three:
Why I can't have vanilla soymilk in the house

It's just too damn tasty!

Section Four:
The Cake and Celery Diet

I've found that when I date a lot, I go out with a number of duds. I mean, they're perfectly nice guys, but they're just not right for me, so there's no chemistry, or it's too much work, or whatever. These guys are the celery guys.

And every now and then, I meet a guy who really strikes my fancy -- makes me laugh, treats me like a princess, is smart, charming and thoughtful... These guys are, of course, the cake guys.

I've been on too much of a celery diet lately. And I had cake for the first time in months this week. I'd forgotten just how good cake tastes. With its frosting and gooey layers and yum-yum deliciousness...

I don't ever want to go back to celery again.

(Unless it's covered in peanut butter, but that makes the metaphor kind of break down, so maybe I'll just go and have my peanut butter by myself and not even try to work it into the story.)