hot stock tips (and other useful information... as always)

First things first:
I have the biggest zit known to mankind on my face. Like the Great Wall of China and the Staten Island Garbage Dump, you can see it from space.* And to boot, it's one of those ones that really REALLY hurts.

I would like an award because I haven't popped it or picked at it yet.

Second things second:
It's spring. That means a number of things, not the least of which is that it's shedding season... for me! One by one, I'm losing all kinds of hairs (except, of course, gray ones) that do nothing but get trapped in my bra and make me ITCH! No wonder cats go out and roll around on the flagstone! It's all I can do to keep from diving down my shirt at work and vacuuming. (Fernando gives me disapproving looks periodically, but I promise you, he'd be doing the same thing if he had boobs.)

Fourth things third (just to keep you on your toes):
I'm about to give you your hot stock tip, so go get a pencil. Ready for it? Here it comes.

INVEST IN BAND-AIDS.

I personally drove the stock up a million points today, simply by wearing the "comfortable" sandals from last summer. (Man, I hate the transition season.)

Fifth things fourth:
There was a guy on the subway tonight who could barely keep his eyes open, he was so tired. However, he had such amazing optical poptitude that I imagined just keeping those bulging orbs open required a great deal of effort.

And last things last (or third things fifth):
You know what's awesome? Art Garfunkel's part in the song Save the Life of My Child. He mutters all this really cynical stuff in the background as a toss off, and if you can imagine him saying it with that six foot hairdo of his, it's just all that much better.


*Ok, so you can't see the SI dump from space anymore. But that thing right next to it, over in Brooklyn? Yeah, that's me and my zit.