very important news

Everything you are about to read here is both true and very important.*

1. The Vatican has issued the Ten Commandments for drivers. "Asked at a news conference when a car became an occasion of sin, Cardinal Renato Martino said 'when a car is used as a place for sin.'" Deep.

2. The Japan Cherry Boys (an association of Japanese male virgins) worry about the fate of Japan, where one in four men aged 30-34 is still a virgin."'Most human worries stem from sex, right? Guys chat up women because they want to satisfy their sexual desire, which also motivates them to get a good job. You want to get along well with a woman, but you're filled with lust and thinking so much about sex it makes it hard to get along well with the woman anyhow,' says a 30-year-old member who bought female hormones online to stifle his sexual urges. 'Without lust, I'm doing much better with work and with women than I ever have.'"

3. Hey, where'd that speedbump come from?Kentucky father drives over his sunbathing daugther in the driveway.

4. Sausage Fest! 107 pound woman eats 26 hot dogs in 12 minutes to qualify for the July 4th Nathan's competition."Lee said she grew up in China without much food and often was hungry. Since then, she's always been able to eat a lot when the food is there."

5. Who dropped the poo? "Museum's broken treasure not just any old shit." That's the headline for the piece about the "Lloyds Bank Turd," a Viking poo that was recently damaged and is now being reconstructed. Even better, as they were examining the artifact, they discovered a bunch of ancient parasite eggs in it. Says one museum expert: "'This guy had very itchy bowels'"

6. And this isn't news at all. But I found it while I was searching for other, important news.

* ok, there's one lie on the page, and that's the one claiming that any of this is even remotely important.