a frank letter

As you know, to me, all guys I date are Frank. Except this one. He was German, so he's Franz.
A little backstory: Franz and I met, and had a couple of dates -- on which he was so over-the-top about declaring his relationship intentions for me that I was actually kind of overwhelmed, and saw him as Instant Boyfriend (just add water). However, after a couple of weeks, I got kind of used to the idea of him being really into me, and then... he up and disappeared.

He claimed to not know how to date, and so I acted as his "dating tutor," telling him things I liked, and simple things like, if you had a great time with a woman, it's not a bad idea to follow up with her.. by phone or email or skywriter. Stuff like that. One of the things I taught him was that I view dating as a four step process (which may sound a lot like a certain self-help book, which, if you know it, let's just keep that between us, shall we?): first you have attraction, then uncertainty, then exclusivity, then intimacy. Now, I'm not going to profess having stuck to this theory throughout the history of dating. Just the opposite: I've only begun to use it. And I find that it works.

ANYWAY... he wanted none of that, wanted Relationship Now (Woman!), claimed to be swamped at work, blah blah blah, next thing I know, I'm all hyped up about possibly having something with him, and he's nowhere to be found.

No big deal, really, except that I think it's fairly reprehensible to lead a girl on like that and drop her cold. So I drafted this letter to him, and really want to send it, but can't decide what the repercussions of it would be. I think it's stuff he should know, but I don't know if I want to waste my energy sending it to him and dealing with whatever that dredges up.

At the moment, I offer it to you. Do with it what you will.

Dear Franz–

As your dating tutor, I am saddened by how little my services helped you. As is my policy, I have refunded your deposit and will remove you from the Kate the Great Date mailing list. (I kid, of course.)

However, I have a few things that I strongly encourage you to think about (and by "strongly encourage" I mean, "if you want to get involved with a loving, sane woman, you must consider these things, for without them, no loving, sane woman will have you"). I offer these to you freely, with no strings or expectations attached.

First, I know you consider yourself a good communicator. And, person to person, you are good at speaking your thoughts, and communicating your immediate intentions fairly clearly. But I don't think you think about the long term impact of your words, and how they affect other people (like me).

For example, when you came on as strong as you did with me, saying things like "I am really interested in having a relationship with you" and "I am really looking forward to waiting to sleep with you," you built up my expectations -- which would have been fine, if you hadn't changed your mind about me two weeks later. (I am not angry with you for changing your mind – that is what the uncertainty phase of dating is for – I am angry that you led me on as much as you did and then changed your mind.) At the time, you probably really thought you wanted to pursue something with me, and so in the moment it was "honest," but this is precisely why dating (i.e. starting things out slowly and building to something more connected, more passionate, more intimate over time) works. Because by agreeing to participate in this "dishonest" social activity (which essentially boils down to agreeing to artificially (or, in many cases, truthfully) keep yourself from immediately expressing some of your romantic thoughts (or future plans for the relationship), and waiting until you are less uncertain about the other person) by the time you express your thoughts, you will really mean them. Anything else is simply leading a girl on.

And leading a girl on, if in fact you reserve the right to change your mind (as we all do at the beginning of a potential relationship), even if you feel it's honest in the moment, just isn't fair. Because no communication involves just you. I took in what you said, and based solely on what you told me – which is all I knew about you -- I developed my own expectations about you in return. Are those expectations my fault? Absolutely. Would I have developed them if you had not led me on? Not a chance.

Short moral: watch what you say. Or rather, watch the timing of what you say.

Secondly, along the lines of communication, I think things between us were good enough that, having decided not to pursue me any more, you owed me the courtesy of telling me so. Just walking away and not saying anything is beneath you, and goes against whatever policy of honesty and communication you claim to have. Don't worry, I got the hint. But in the future, do yourself (and the women you date) a favor and end something cleanly. It benefits everyone.

Thirdly, you talked about how vulnerability is a good thing. And I agree, on principle, that being open and emotionally available to someone you're interested in having a relationship with is a good thing. But it takes time. Because trust me, if I had known that you would disappear after two dates, I would never have opened up to you nearly as much as I did. You didn't deserve what I gave you – especially since you didn't respect me enough to tell me you were not interested (or available, or sorted out enough, or whatever the reason is you changed your mind).

Look, Franz, I think you were right in not continuing to pursue me. We are fundamentally and philosophically not a good match. But in the future, please realize that relationships don't take place in a vacuum. You're not in them alone, and you have a responsibility to avoid hurting the women you meet, to whatever extent possible. (Simply as human beings, this is a good policy.) And I know that you believe people cannot hurt you without your permission, but a great percentage of the rest of us don't operate under that philosophy. We are vulnerable. We are sensitive. We are open-hearted and caring people, who have been hurt by others and continue to be affected by those around us. You owe it to yourself to develop an understanding of this.

I'm telling you all of this for a variety of reasons – mostly because I think you are a smart, attractive guy with a lot to offer, who is never going to land an emotionally mature woman with the approach you're using, and also because you seem to think that your approach to relationships is morally superior to dating, and, simply put, it's not. Had you just dated me (and not pushed so hard for a relationship right off the bat), you would not have let me down or hurt me as much, and in turn, I would not have been so angry with you.

Please just bear that in mind as you go forward.

Best of luck,
Kate