sharif... he likes it!

So, I share an office with a guy named Fernando. (Yes, I am constantly asking him if he can hear the drums. He can, but chooses not to.) His desk faces the door and mine backs up to it. (This way anyone passing by can see that I'm not, in fact, working. Awesome.)

I was kind of pissed, actually, that he got the good desk, since I've been at this firm for five years and he only started three weeks ago. I thought for sure my friends in-house would hook me up.

They totally didn't.

Anyway, Fernando and I got into a discussion one day about the desk setup and I told him it was wikkid unfair that he got the good desk. He, not being an idiot, agreed.

Luckily, in retaliation for having the shit desk, I get to control the white board behind it -- the one poor Fernando has to look at all day long. It's got our office address on it, the numbers of some servers or something (marked, in really crappy handwriting, with "please don't erase"), a photo of Omar Sharif, and what I would consider "the battleground."

Whenever Fernando says something about me that I don't particularly care for, I write that it's not true, that he stinks and then I provide Sharif's opinion on the matter.

So the other day, when he told me that my skirt (which I made myself, thankyouverymuch) made me look kind of tarty, the whiteboard had to show my disapproval:

Fernando and I may, in fact, be perfect roommates for one another. We write passive-aggressive songs about the things we don't like about each other -- for example, "Hey Fernando, Your Curry Smells Like Armpit" or "Kate Stinks A Lot After The Gym" and our non-passive-aggressive favorite, "It's Time For Pitted Dates."

I'm not sure there are many other people here who would fully appreciate the beauty and genius, then, that is Sharif's Halloween Costume:

Thank god for Fernando, and happy halloween!

good god, how did our parents ever survive all that plaid??

I just want to know how it is possible that anyone born in the seventies wasn't made entirely out of plaid polyester -- or perhaps terrycloth...

Look here to see why I say this.

(and then thank my cousin Brian for sending it our way!)

le roi c’est mort et so is my ipod

Sad day. Dark day. Last Tuesday. The day my ipod kicked it. One last toggle of the hold button, a prolonged menu-and-select hold... and nothing. Not even a friendly little apple screen.
I thought perhaps it was in a coma.

So I took it to the good folks at Tekserve and they told me the bad news. Spanky Jr. was, in fact, dead.

Then they told me the good news: Spanky Jr. was still under warranty!

So now I have Spanky too too, who is currently sitting on my desk loading up with music. (Thank god, because I was getting tired of the same 18 songs on my palm pilot. Have you ever worked out to Keren Ann? It's like jumping rope underwater.)

And let me give you a bit of advice while I'm here: have a couple of free drinks with the International Legal Technology Association before going to wait at the Apple Store. It makes you much more charming, and when you tell them (secretly, of course) that your appointment was 20 minutes ago, they'll think you're cute and charming instead of just another thoughtless New Yorker who was having too much fun chatting with techies to show up to her appointment on time.



good god, where is my life going? I just actually wrote "having too much fun chatting with techies to show up to her appointment on time." Does anyone have a life I can borrow?

invite me to your party!

I am like frosting -- a fun addition to just about anything! (ok, except pizza, or electronic equipment or maybe postcards -- though that one's still open to debate.)

I went with a friend to a party full of strangers this weekend, and, left to my own devices, I grabbed a roll of three-inch wide masking tape and a sharpie, and started labeling things. I started out simple, with strips of tape saying "K8's Leg" or "Shin" and got progressively more nerdy ("GASTROCNEMIUS" ) and abstract ("RACY ---->" ).

By the time I left, however, the trend had caught on, and people were drawing six-shooters for their hips, Frankenstein valves for their necks, earrings and mustaches for their faces, and mottos for their shirts. (Mine was "MY CAR SERVICE FORSOOK ME," since the car service that said they'd be there in six minutes to pick me up never actually showed.)

p.s. all handwriting was done upsidedown.

My theory is, if I'm having fun, we're all having fun. Even if you don't want to have any fun, you'll be having it. (or you'll be in the other room where they were watching wrestling and eating cheese.)

My other theory is: every party is enhanced by some red velvet cake.

Oh, and another theory? Artsy people like artistic outlets in public. Nothing says "I'm sexy" to an artsy girl than coming up with the wittiest three-inch masking tape label.

Ok, ok, one last theory: cheese + me = good.

right brained or left brained?

My mom sent me the coolest link today, which took me to a test for right-brainedness or left-brainedness.
Go here and try it yourselves!

(turns out I'm predominantly right brained, but can change it to the other direction at will, making me voluntarily left-brained? I think this is why I spent so many years as a translator in my family...)

what if kate rewrote the catalog?

I get some weird catalogs.

Now, part of this is my fault. I'm a bit of a crafter. So I get on these mailing lists that must just be full of old ladies with SCADS of money who sit around and think, "Aw, gee, isn't this a cute mouse figurine? Wouldn't Mildred just love twelve of them??"

I, on the other hand, think, "Good Christ, how could the world possibly need so much kitschy crap?!"

Take the "Pumpkin Gobbler" for instance:

Their description: Pumpkin, or turkey? This cast-iron kit changes a pumpkin into a humorous "gobbler." Simply insert the six antique-brown-finished pieces (two wings, two feet, a head and a tail) into the bright orange vegetable, and it's transformed into an amusing (pumkey or turkin?) sculpture.

My description: Pumpkin, turkey or eyesore? This piece of garbage will make your pumpkin rot faster and your children wish the neighbors were all blind! Order three!

How does your garden glow? With a pink flamingo! Place this "bird of paradise" on your lawn or near a window and watch it light up. During the day, a solar panel on the base converts sunlight into energy. Crafted of resin.

Ugly, ugly, ugly. Buy this nasty lamp and watch your back -- the neighborhood watch association will be on the lookout for every dropped piece of trash, every cigarette butt and every unrecycled can... for the rest of your lives!

Santa and Rudolph "deliver" lots of sweets and laughs all season. This hilarious candy-dispensing duo assume the position and, with a gentle push on their backs, poop candy.

We are a nation of twelve year old boys.

Spunky stray cat holds your prettiest blossoms. Touch her head and tail, and they spring back with joy . . . she just loves the attention! Crafted of steel with the shiniest glass eyes.

Yeah, this is a sculpture that will take up all the space in your front hall. Don't let the kids touch it, or shards of the "shiniest" metal may go flying off, spring-loaded, in all directions. Note to buyer: Official membership to Crazy Cat Lady Club comes with purchase.

And the kicker:

Our table is beautifully sculpted with three-dimensional detailing. The handpainted base captures the color and excitement of exotic fish, snapping turtles, and coral beneath the ocean.

Ow! My eyes! They're bleeeeeeeeeeeding! I haven't seen so much ugly since that pile of barf in the subway! (Free delivery in Florida.)

I think I have a knack for it, don't you?

p.s. check out the rest of their goods at http://www.potpourrigifts.com/

precipitation on flora and bristles on felines

I could write you a couple of pages on how to navigate our new contact software (and yet another one on how to send five blank emails to six key clients of one of the major billing partners in the firm) (and still another on the best way to call him up, confess and profusely apologize), but instead, I'll save my brainpower for my job.

Here, then, for your enjoyment, entertainment and general procrastination are some of my favorite words today. (I never commit to having a favorite for more than one day. The other words might get jealous.) I like them mostly for the way they sound, feel or look, and disregard what they mean. Although some of their meanings are pretty good, too. (I am not meaningist.)

spatula (of course)
anthropomorphism
lugubrious
laconic
sidewalk
fuck
monstrosity
pernicious
depot
polka
moose
cud
iconoclastic
barf
yam-tastic (technically not a word)
derringdo
nepotism
and
keening

Contributions?